Bride bans grandmother from wearing white, 'I went too far.' AITA? 'I need outside opinions.' UPDATED

"AITA for telling my grandmother not to wear white at my wedding?"

Hey y'all, not proofread so sorry for any mistakes. I (20F) recently got engaged to my bf (23M) of 2 1/2 years. For some context, my grandma (70F) raised me, but I've always been closer to my Mom because my grandma is your stereotypical Christian conservative who always thinks she's right...to be blunt.

She's gotten better over the years, but she still has some growing to do IMO. Anyway, when I told my Mom about the engagement, she was over the moon. After talking for a bit, she asked if I wanted to see some pictures from when I was a kid/before I was born (My Mom is very much the sentimental type and loves to take/show pictures).

I, of course, said yes. As we're flipping through the pictures we come across one of my Uncle's wedding. In it was my Uncle, his now ex wife, my Dad (his brother), and my Grandma.

I thought it was sweet until I noticed my Grandma was wearing a long white dress with a beaded top, like a wedding dress. This struck me as odd just because wouldn't you feel weird with someone else wearing white at your wedding?

A few days later, I talked to my fiancé about this. He told me if it was a true concern, I should talk to her about it. I was already planning on it, but needed that final push. So, when I went to her house, I told her about the engagement. She's never liked my BF only because he smokes (as do I), so she wasn't thrilled about it but she was accepting.

I told her I had seen a picture of her at my Uncle's wedding wearing a white dress and how I wouldn't feel comfortable with her doing the same at mine. I guess I was spot on because she got super defensive saying I was "selfish" and "inconsiderate" and that it "wasn't a big deal."

Personally, I wanted to be the only one wearing white because if I'm paying hundreds if not thousands for a wedding dress, I'd like to stand out, even if I am the bride. It just feels kind of disrespectful. Here's where I think I might be the AH.

I got annoyed with her for calling me names and berating me about my relationship (she was also bashing my fiancé in the process). It might've been selfish of me to say, but I said something along the lines of "it is MY day, if you can't do this one thing for me maybe you shouldn't come at all."

Both of us were very heated in the moment, but I think I went a little too far looking back. She told me to get out, and we haven't spoken since. My fiancé reassured me and said that if it was important to me it should've been important to her. This happened a little over a week ago and I just need some outside opinions. So, AITA?

EDITS:

I wanted to clear this up. It's not that I think people would mistake me for my Grandmother as the bride, it's that her wearing a wedding dress would make my day a little less special to me? It's hard to explain, but I just want to stand out you know? Even if I am the bride.

I'm not trying to be that bridezilla that controls the color of everyone's attire, people can wear whatever they want and whatever they're comfortable in. All I'm saying is why does it have to be white?

UPDATE:

First, thank you for all of your opinions and comments. I have read as many as I can but saw some common questions I want to clarify. My fiancé and I met when I was 18 and he was 21. We met through a dating app but also attended the same college together, so no illegal activities going on!

About her berating my relationship, I don't see or talk to her too often and she's been doing this since she found out he smoked (a year into the relationship). I understand how this is concerning, but we're in this relationship for each other, not my grandma. To the people saying I'm the AH for assuming she would wear white, you're right.

The picture is from a few months before I was born so I get how I'm the AH in that sense. I should've thought about it longer but it is what it is. To the people saying I'm making a big deal out of nothing, turns out she ordered a white V-neck knee length dress after the confrontation (found out from my Mom who talked to her after).

I was planning on hiring security anyways but I'll let them know if anyone shows up wearing white to not them in before I'm told first. I'll give them the option to change, if not, no entry. It's my wedding day and like many people said, I'll do it how I want. Thank you everyone!

Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:

GForcePi said:

NTA. Every girl wants her wedding perfect, so it's not wrong that you talked to your grandmother about that picture and asked her to not wear a white dress at your wedding. Why can't she be happy and let you enjoy your biggest day of your life?

She can wear anything. Calling you selfish or names , idk what's wrong with her. She should be happy rather than arguing with you about her dress on your wedding day . Definitely NTA dear, it's your wedding, your big day not hers.

SpecificLegitimate52 said:

NTA, it's your day and if you want to be the only one wearing white then I think you should do that. (Also unless you are somewhere that legalizes marijuana I wouldn't share it with the internet as I think people can find you from your email, not a criticism just a heads-up).

Dense_Island_5120 said:

NTA. As you say, your grandma has some growing up to do. Wearing white at a wedding is about control and wanting to take away attention from the bride. There is literally no other reason to wear white unless the bride/groom do some color scheme reverse. Your grandma is defensive of the white and bashes your bf? She is a toddler.

Ok_Drama_4233 said:

NTA. She shouldn't wear white like that because it is your wedding and the focus should be on you and your boyfriend.

slackerchic said:

OKAY GRANDMA IF IT'S NOT A BIG DEAL WHY YOU FIGHTING FOR IT??? NTA. Grandma wants people to know who the matriarch is and using this as a way to flex.

Mommabroyles said:

NTA you are correct. If she can't comply she shouldn't come. I know it feels awful to set that boundary but it needed to be done. It actually should have been done sooner if she bashes on your fiance. If she can't accept him enough to be cordial, she doesn't need to be at your wedding.