Bride bans mother's abusive husband from wedding, 'I want my mother at my wedding.' AITA? UPDATED

"AITA for not letting my mother's husband come to my wedding?"

TW: abuse

I (29f) have been with my partner (32m) for 7 years we have been back and forth weather we want a big wedding or if we just elope. We have decided to have a wedding as we are both only children so its our parents only change to see their kids get married.

One of the big reasons we wanted to elope was both our families are "broken" and not everyone gets along, it’s our day and we really didn’t want the drama that our families might bring.

I sent out the invites about 2 months ago, and my mother called me as soon as she got it to let me I made a mistake as her invite only had her name and a note saying strictly no plus one. She flipped her lip that her husband wasn’t invited as they have been married for almost 25 years.

A bit of backstory, I am an only child and he doesn’t have kids, they got together when I was around 3yo, when I was 8yo he started abusing me, this went on until I left home at 15yo to live with my great aunt. While I didn’t tell anyone at the time due to fear of him I have since told my great aunt, she has been super supportive and helped me seek help for this.

When my mother was made aware of this she instantly defended him and took his word that he never abused me, while I wasn’t surprised by this (appearances mean a lot to her) it hurt me deeply.

We had a rocky relationship for a few years after because of this, she has made it clear that she is sticking my him and will defend him if I ever took it further. Despite this we have come along way to repair the relationship we once had and I want my mother at my wedding.

For the past monthu right and center from other family members telling me how rude it is that I haven’t invited the man who “raised me” and that he is very upset he can’t walk me down the aisle. I don’t know what to say to them other then it's a small wedding and we only have limited spots.

I don’t want to tell anyone the real reason as it overshadow the wedding and that’s all they will be thinking about. They are making me feel guilty and like I’ve done the wrong thing, they all think I should have invited him. I can understand from their point of view it would be strange as they don’t know about anything.

My fiancé and great aunt fully supports me not wanting him there but I still feel like an ahole for not inviting him. AITA?

Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:

Grandmapatty64 said:

Obviously, if people are approaching you about it, your mother‘s been complaining. I would just let her know she can either come or stay home because her husband wasn’t invited.

Those are her choices, but if she keeps dragging other family into it, you will be forced to tell them exactly why you didn’t invite him. Just tell her I better not be hearing from any more family members about it or we’re gonna have a big problem and I’ll start explaining why.

FrameNo4349 said:

NTA. I'd just tell the "family" that are pressuring you what you said here. That you can't imagine your abuser being apart of the happiest day of your life. (As you can now openly speak about it and are a strong). Also for your mom just tell her the age old rule. It's an invite not a summons. She doesn't have to go if she doesn't want to.

But that he will not be allowed in and if she does show up with him that will be the end of your relationship. if the venue has a wedding planning team/security that If he tries to show up he will not be allowed in and escorted off the property.

xxooxxxooxx said:

NTA. You don't even owe your mother an invitation, given how she refuses to believe you. If my mother treated me that way, I'd never speak to her again. You can cut her off completely, you don't need that kind of relationship in your life.

My mother was molested by a her uncle as a child. She didn't tell anyone until her mid-20s, when I was 2 or so. When she told her parents, the defended her and supported her. THAT'S what good parents do.

Loadedbakedpotatos said:

You are NTA. It’s your wedding. It’s your day to look forward to and get excited about. And after reading your post, I wanna say that I am very sorry about the backstory on why you would not like him to be there. In my opinion, that’s more than enough of a reason to not want him there.

And for your mother, she might not be able to get over this, but it’s important to realize that you are her daughter and she has to understand that you are starting a new life and the wedding is not for HER or her husband. It’s your our OWN life. Don’t feel bad about not inviting him.

No_Coke_Allowed said:

NTA. It's your wedding, please make sure you're in a comfortable and supportive environment. If you have to uninvite people to get that do it. As for your mom, id reconsider inviting her.

Realistic_Week6355 said:

NTA but I’d reconsider inviting my mom if I were you.

UPDATE:

Absolutely devastated. After reading so many comments about her bad behavior and so many people saying they would be NC and wouldn’t have her at the wedding I really took at all on board and called her. I asked her to really think about it, think about what he did to me, how it made me feel, and ask why she thought I would want him at my wedding.

I told her at this point I don’t want her to attend and told her to stop calling people and complaining about it. I told her if I get more calls or texts or if she causes anymore drama about being uninvited, I would tell the whole family what he did to me for 7 years under her roof and how she didn’t do a thing to stop him or protect me.

She instantly got defensive and lost her sh*t at me over the phone. I told her I’m not getting into it over the phone and she needs to respect my wishes. Now over night, I’ve had almost 20 family members message me telling me they are no longer attending my wedding and that I am disgusting and a vile mentally ill girl for making up such nasty and revolting lies about MH.

I called my aunt (mother’s sister), and when she finally agreed to talk to me, she told me my mother called her last night in tears, she was apparently beside herself. The short version was basically I was jealous of him and how much attention my mother gave him. I was set on ruining him as a person and was going to make up lies about him abusing me just to get my own way. I was gobsmacked.

I literally sat on the phone in shock for a few minutes while she continued to tell me what my mother said. She apparently also told her the reason I left home so young was because I hated MH making me do my chores.

She even told her that at 15, just before I left, that I tried to persuade him into giving me a car, and he that he turned me down, which made me angry. That’s why I left.

I told my aunt that was simply not true. It was so far from the truth. I asked her to call and talk to my great aunt, and she can tell her what really happened. When I told her about the abuse, my aunt said she is now confused and doesn’t know who to believe.

I am gutted and completely embarrassed. If this is what she has told my aunt, what has she told everyone else! How do I face this? I feel like that vulnerable little girl all over again. My fiancé is a little overwhelmed with how everything is unfolding but still been really supportive. We have decided to cancel the wedding despite having paid deposits for almost everything and elope with just his immediate family, my great aunt, and a few close friends.

Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:

IcyWheel said:

You need to send one message to everyone who has declined and tell them that your mother threatened to smear you if you revealed what her husband did to you and you can see that she did. Tell them you are sorry they were so gullible that they would believe her without talking to your great aunt who took you in. Then block them all.

Fire_or_water_kai said:

I hope they get all that's coming to them. Your mom is a vile POS, and I truly hope your great aunt puts it all out there. Rest. Get some emotional distance. Then, focus on how much fun you can make eloping with the truly important people. Sorry your family sucks, but at least you now have control over what you do, and you exerted it.

Strong_Storm_2167 said:

NTA. I would be reporting your mother’s husband to the police. He has got away with things too long.

Old-Ninja-113 said:

Wow - I can’t even imagine! Your mom is off the wall! So sorry! I agree with the comment about stating your side of the story. Your mom is just as despicable as the step dad. I’d have been no contact from a while ago when the whole thing happened but I’m sure it’s hard to let go. But really go NC with your mom and anybody that sides with her after you tell them your story.

Quix66 said:

I'm sorry this is happening to you. You can still have your planned wedding without those people. Don't let them take that away from you. Please report him to the police if the statute of limitations hasn't run out. NTA.

Secret_Double_9239 said:

NTA you need to set the record straight about what happened anyone who wants to believe her doesn’t need to be in your life anymore. If you do speak to your mother again record it.