Bride won't let special needs sister attend her wedding. AITA? UPDATED

When this bride doesn't want her sister at her wedding, she asks the internet:

"I don't want my special needs sister at my wedding. AITA?"

My (22f) sister "Anna" (21) is "special need". She has severe autism and while she is verbal most of her communication is "physical" like sign language due to her social discomfort.

She does speak around family though and has pretty bad cognitive skills. She can't comprehend boundaries and lives with our parents so they can best watch her.

I am getting married in 3 months. We planned a simple wedding and reception at my fiance "Michael's" parents barn and farm. Since it's all gonna be DIY and we aren't planning anything too expensive, we can do things pretty quickly since flowers, food and decor will be provided by his family.

I sent out invites last week and I asked that Anna not come. I told my parents I understood that would mean they may not show up but it was just a heads up. Why no Anna? She has an issue with touching Michael and trying to kiss him.

At times when we were at my parents house Anna would try and grab Michael's hands, try to lean in to kiss him or would have a really bad shutdowns if she wasn't allowed to be directly next to him.

We've tried speaking to her but there's only so much we can do when she doesn't really understand. I told my parents I just want one day for Michael to be my partner and not Anna's comfort person.

They called me selfish and asked how I expected them to agree to something like this. They told me Anna is disabled and may never experience a wedding of her own and while I have Michael for probably the rest of our lives she'll have no one and that Michael and I can be a little more understanding to the reality of her life.

I feel like a total ass and what they're saying has really gotten to me and I'm starting to question my decision. AITA?

Before we give you OP's upsetting update, let's take a look at some of the top responses:

feasgu writes:

NTA. You are not being selfish. Your parents are so concerned with your sister they are ignoring how her behavior is violating someone else's personal space and body. I am sure Michael is understanding of the situation but he should not have to worry about being physically violated every time he comes in contact with your sister.

Unwanted kissing and touching is a violation. I understand she may not realize what she is doing but it doesn't make it ok. Also you are entitled to have a wedding that is about you. It doesn't make you selfish or unkind towards your sister.

You told your parents you understood they may not come if Anna's is not invited. So you aren't even asking them to choose between the two of you. You have given them the ok not to come.

aquat4 writes:

NTA but extended family might have issues with your decision, so be prepared. My ex SIL was disabled, downs and non verbal on the spectrum. She functioned at a 3yo level. Meltdowns and fits were the norm for functions (totally fine).

My son was turning 12 and I scheduled his birthday party at an arcade with go carts (rather than a park or at home party). I asked for her not to attend as this would probably be his last birthday party (it was) and I wanted the attention on him.

I understood she couldn't help it but she would've been very overstimulated and constantly melt down.

My ex MIL came without my SIL. She understood and was okay with it. Her family was extremely rude about it and basically said I wasn't part of their family anymore. I have 0 regrets about my decision though.

feaaaac0 writes:

NTA.Your sister is not allowed to seually harass people just because she doesn't know better.

As an autistic woman, I have to say I'm .... unsure what to make of you saying she can't comprehend boundaries. I know that autism is a spectrum, and that there can be other comorbid conditions that complicate things.

But I have to ask: is it that she literally can't comprehend boundaries, or that your parents have given up on the (truly grueling) work of making her comprehend? At least teaching her that her actions have consequences?

Because what you describe sounds like a nightmare, for both Michael and Anna. It reminds me starkly of a story my mother once told about one of her students at school. She used to work as an aide for autistic students.

I was studying psychology at college at the time, and my mother would come to me to talk about this student and ask for my help in figuring out what was wrong with him and how to help him (because the people whose job that was were TERRIBLE at that job).

This student was in middle school. And he was obsessed with another student he called "the big girl." Specifically, he was obsessed with her knees, and I mean sexually obsessed. He was tormented.

He would try to leave class and go running down the halls searching for "the big girl." He would try to get close to her in PE class. He just wanted to stare at her knees.

My mother and the other aides were working their butts off trying to keep this kid away from her and make sure she felt safe, while also trying to help him cope better and teach him boundaries.

This student also had a huge masturbation problem. He'd ask to use the bathroom constantly so he could jerk off. The head autism aide was male, and he would take this student out to the track field when it wasn't in use and just walk him in circles around the track, with the goal of moving too quickly for the student to be able to jerk himself off while they walked.

I remember my mother asked me, why does this make him happy? And I shook my head. I said, it sounds like he is MISERABLE. He's an addict and he doesn't know how to deal with his desires or control his actions. And, that as he grew older and stronger, there was a danger he'd become a clueless se%ual predator. And still be miserable.

He needed to learn self-discipline and healthy self-soothing techniques, desperately. All that school year, I heard stories about this student. My mother worked with him a lot and was really invested in helping him. And slowly, very slowly but surely, they were making progress. He was learning.

But the most chilling story I heard was about a parent-teacher conference. His family showed up, and he started misbehaving again. Complete regression about everything all the aides had taught him all year. So they started coaching and disciplining him appropriately right away, re-teaching.

And the family stopped them. "He's fine," they said. "He doesn't know any better." My mother was so upset when she got home that day. Because she knew. She knew that she could work her ass off helping this kid help himself. But once he got home, once he moved on to a different school, once only his family was there for him.

He would just regress. Because they didn't want to try to discipline him, or help him. They'd given up. I always wondered what happened to that kid. I've always wondered if he ended up beaten up, jailed, or dead, because he never learned how to not chase after some girl's knees and masturbate in public.

I know this student is not your sister. But I couldn't help but feel I needed to tell my bit of his story, here. And to say that I don't know if calling Michael a comfort person fits. Sure, he helps her not melt down.

But is that because he makes her feel better ... or because she feels miserably aroused when he's around? And everyone's thrown up their hands and declared she can't be taught to cope?

And that would be unfair and harmful to her, as well as the guy she's harassing.

And now, OP's update:

My parents called me letting me know they won't be coming and that it's best I don't bring Michael around anymore since I've "chosen some man over my sister".

They told me that Anna wanting to kiss Michael and hug him is normal for a women her age and that she doesn't understand what her feelings mean. I suggested they try to redirect her during the wedding but they said Michael is gonna be family to her and he needs to "get over it".

I suggested they watch the wedding via web and they said that's not fair and that they deserve to see things in person. I asked if I could pay for someone with proper credentials to watch her that day while they attention and they asked what I would do when they died and if I'd pawn her off every time.

I dropped the unfortunate truth bomb that I don't want to put any more of my life aside for Anna anymore. I did it up until I turned 18. And that Anna is not my life's responsibility and I won't be her keeper.

I assured them I'd pay for her care but if she's okay doing this to Michael then I worry for if I ever do choose to have children and what she'd do to them They said I was sick for suggesting she'd do anything to my future children and hung up on me. They sent a lengthy text telling me not to contact them until I could "do the right thing". So thts where we are right now.

This is NOT an excuse to talk badly about disabled people's nor is this an opportunity to air out your hatred for them. My sister is not a scapegoat to hate disabled people.

She is a human being with feelings, she is not a statistic, she is not evil. Please stop treating my sister as if she's a malicious monster, this debacle is between me and my parents. Leave her out of it, please. I am begging you, I don't want to hear why you think my sister sucks.