Bride-to-be devastated when her mother completely ruins her bachelorette trip. AITA? UPDATED 1 MONTH LATER
When this woman is shocked when her mother completely sabotages her bachelorette trip, she asks the internet:
"My mother ruined my Bachelorette Trip. AITA?"
So, a few months back I had a bachelorette trip to Puerto Rico. Two of my bridesmaids were able to go and my mother and sister came as well. I asked my mom to be the maid of honor since I thought it would help create a closer bond between us getting ready for my wedding.
My whole goal was to have everyone get along and just have a good time. I should have known this was going to be a disaster.
A couple of weeks before my mother started bashing all of my bridesmaids/friends. She was particularly focused on one that was actually going on the trip.
I ended up paying for my mom, sister, and my own flight to help the burden of my mom having to pay for both her and my sister. The plan was my mother was going to pay for her and my sister’s hotel.
My friend reached out to everyone to try and plan something for me without me getting involved. I would like to add that I planned the bachelorette trip as the bride. When my friend reached out to my mom and called her, she wanted to help as much as she can. My friend is actually Puerto Rican, so she was going to be a huge help with this trip.
At the time I did not know about this call. My mother called me at 3am after having that call with my friend that day to tell me she has not been doing her maid of honor duties because she was “observing” everyone and everything.
She then said as the maid of honor she should be planning the bachelorette trip. I found this conversation odd, but I said OK. I was relieved that she finally stepped up to help me with the trip. My mom did say before the call ended to not tell my friend she talked to me about this which I did find odd as well.
The next day my friend called me and told me that she wanted to make sure that I had a great bachelorette that to remember it is all about me. She wanted to help me with the excursions I wanted to do, and I told her my mom wanted to plan as well so they could work together.
I saw my mother the next day and she went on a rant that my friend was disrespectful and said she was not letting a little girl control her on this trip and made it seem like something was wrong with my friend and how she did not want to wear her stupid t-shirts during the trip.
She started raging and telling me she doesn’t want to go in the rental car with my friend and wants to take an uber. Her words "Your friend is disrespectful, and I will beat this B***** ass." This automatically started stressing me out.
She said she didn’t like my friend and she was disrespectful and has mental issues. I ended up calling my friend and asking her if she could cancel the rental and she said she could not.
I created a group chat for the ones attending the trip and my friend was asking questions about why activities we were going to do and how excited she was, and my mom and sister was instantly annoyed.
My mom was supposed to plan the activities that we were going to do in Puerto Rico. She refused to let my friend do it or participate in helping and again my friend is Puerto Rican.
Fast forward to the first day of the bachelorette trip. When we arrive my mom’s luggage was missing that had all of her toiletries. She was upset about it. When we got to the hotel, I let everyone rest since it was an early flight.
My friend got there a little later in the day and I met up with her and my other friend in the lobby. I called my mom and sister to meet us downstairs and so we could go with them to replace the toiletries that were lost and to have dinner.
As me and my two friends were waiting my mom came downstairs and stood behind my Puerto Rican friend and said hi to her so low that she could not hear her. I hinted to her that my mom was standing over and behind her while she was sitting on the lobby couch which I thought was weird.
She turned around and said hello. My mom instantly just said OK I am leaving now go be with your friends. She literally ran off. My sister did not say a word.
When I tell you the energy was so off you can cut the tension in the air with a knife. I asked my friend what was going on with her and my mom because something just felt really off.
She told me she did not really know her, so she did not understand why. I decided to just go to the bar with my friends and wait for my mom and sister to get back.
Five minutes later I get a text from my mom saying, “shame on you, you betrayed your family, you chose a nobody over your own family, I am disappointed, and your sister and I are out of the wedding.”
I responded and said that I did not and asked what the problem was. I was then ignored. I started crying hysterically because I did not want my bachelorette to be like this. My friends tried to cheer me up and took me out to dinner. I decided to let things cool off and try to smooth things over in the morning with my mom and sister.
I went to my mom and sister’s room and knocked on the door several times and kept going back to knock on the door. I also called each of them and no answer. I even waited around the lobby to see if I ran into them and nothing. I called both of them again later in the afternoon and finally my sister picked up.
I asked if they were ok and if we can squash whatever happened and move forward with the plans. I asked why they did not answer me for hours and they said they were sleeping which I knew was a lie because I heard someone look through the peephole when I knocked earlier.
My sister said they are not doing any of the activities that I wanted to do and that they were having lunch and would not tell me where they were. I felt like shit. My mom planned nothing that she said she was going to plan.
My friend even texted and reached out to my mom and apologized for whatever my mom thought she did and called and my mom did not answer.
My friends scrambled and tried to make the best of the rest of the trip for me while my mom and sister was MIA. The day before we had to leave and go home, my sister reached out to get their plane tickets which I purchased.
I sent it to them and was immediately upset. My mom asked me to put my credit card down for her and my sister’s hotel and said she would pay me back. I honestly think that she had no intention of paying me back because she is my mother.
They ignored me during the entire trip and now demanded their plane tickets. I decided to change my flight and leave earlier. I couldn’t sit on the plane with my mom and sister and act like this was normal.
My sister called and asked if I was going to get an uber to the airport and I told her no I have a different flight. My mom finally appeared and called me and said so many hurtful things.
My mom told me I was always disloyal, how I interpreted everything wrong, I overthink, I don't care about her and my sister, how I was feeling is wrong, and called me liar and hung up in my face.
My friend started to tell me about the phone conversation that she had with my mom prior. She didn’t want to tell me out of respect for my mother because my mom asked her not to tell me about the phone conversation.
My friend said my mom was talking badly about me, my fiancée, my fiancée family and how I was planning my wedding. My friend was put in this awkward position.
Ever since that trip I have not spoken to my mom or sister, and they did not show up to my wedding. I only get a text from my sister to tell me to pay both her and my mom’s phone bill once a month and that is it. AITA?
Before we give you OP's update (a month later), let's take a look at some of the top comments, which OP replied to:
contentgramma writes:
Your mother totally ignored the fact that the bachelorette party was about you and not her. Did I miss something? Why would you pay their phone bills at all?
OP replied:
Something I have been doing for 10 years since I was in college. My mother made that my responsibility when I was living with her and going to school. It was a real struggle to do when I was in college. She never took that responsibility back.
reallynah75 writes:
Why did you feel like shit when you were on your bachelorette week? Your mother and sister were the ones that were acting like spoiled brats. It sounds as though your mother wanted this trip to only be for you, her and your sister.
Stop paying their cell phone bill. They talked shit to and about you, acted the way that they did on your trip, and skipped your wedding because it didn't resolve around them. They don't get to benefit from your money after treating you like complete and utter shit.
Block them on any and all avenues. You're truly better off without them in your life.
OP replied:
I felt like crap because I had good intentions and I came to the realization that this behavior is never going to change. It was almost like a mourning of the relationship with them for me because I tried everything to make it work. This was a really important part of my life and it just got ruined for no absolutely no reason.
verano7 writes:
I added allegedly because, while I don’t know OP or their family, I know people who have money to go on trips with friends or buy name brand bags, but suddenly pull the poor card when it comes to someone like OP. Did they really need help, or was their poor planning/prioritizing made an emergency on OP’s dime?
OP writes:
She has this thing where she will never say she can't afford something, but when the time comes she is looking for me to pay and feels entitled and like I should pay because she is my mother. If that makes sense.
badblike writes:
Why in the world would you make your mother a maid of honour??? This all happened because you’re a pushover. Paying for everything including phone bill? Even after everything? Please grow a spine.
OP writes:
The intention of making her a maid of honor was in the hope that it would make our relationship better and create a better bond. After the fact I definitely regret making her the maid of honor. Lesson learned though.
demichaos writes:
Honestly, I would've "forgotten" the plane tickets in my hotel room when I checked out and then suggest they figure it out, since you already paid for everything else and they were horribly ungrateful to begin with.
faintheart writes:
NTA As many suggested, cut them off completely starting yesterday (really, starting from the PR trip). I am assuming they were your only immediate family? No other siblings or a father? What about extended? Has anyone else tried to get involved like Flying Monkey style or something?
OP writes:
They are my immediate family on my mom’s side. No flying monkeys. My dad is not with her anymore for a long time, but he did encourage me to speak to her.
sheb123 writes:
One, your mother and sister are toxic and you are lucky to have them out of your life. Two, Do not pay their phone bill anymore.
Three, I am so sorry your family members acted so atrociously and were so rude and mean to your friends.
Four, I would send a letter to your mother stating that you only wanted her to have a good time and for whatever reason, she got upset. Tell her you hope she has a good life and then block her on every platform available. Send similar message to your sister and do the same.
They WANTED to be the focus of the weekend and were mad that someone else was. You are better off without them. Make your friends that stood by you and did whatever they could to make you happy and your wedding a success your "chosen family"
ocean128 writes:
The trash took itself out. I simply never talk to either one of them again. No one who loves you acts this way. This is the behavior of someone who is entitled and jealous of you.
You helped her pay for the tickets do you give her money other than that? Just seems like a spoiled, entitled and incredibly selfish person and absolutely not how any mother should behave.
I would absolutely just never talk to them again. If they persist I'd write a letter to both and ask them both to leave you alone. Your "little girl" friend was more of a mother to you on this trip than she was.
ESPECIALLY for someone who didn't even pay their own way!! I'd also tell her that a real parent would never do or say these things and that she is an egg donor and nothing more.
I'm sure it was devastating to you. Your worried about your mom, your sister, your friends and not wanting anyone to be unhappy while the whole time you were because they didn't know how to act.
Idc why your mom felt the way she did, if you're happy that should be all she needs to know, not bashing you, your fiance and his family. Ughh. I'm so upset for you. It will get better. If you do decide to cut them out I can tell you from experience that it was absolutely one of the very best decisions I've ever made. Good luck.
historicalguava writes:
OP, I think that you are starting to grow older and see things with clear eyes. I imagine you’re starting to realize things about your family that you knew never really thought about before, or took in stride.
I imagine your mom is upset because she may have been a controlling figure throughout your life, and no longer appreciate that you don’t “respect” her control. It also seems like she wants everyone’s attention, so her losing her luggage was likely a “catastrophe,” and she wanted everyone to focus on her.
The thing is, people like this believe they are entitled to controlling what other people think can do. They are not capable of understanding that their point of view isn’t the right one.
They aren’t truly capable of the type of love that you deserve to have. They often see people either as pawns to advance whatever they want, or as reflections of them to make them feel better or worse about themselves. The sad thing is your sister seems to have been roped into it.
I suggest reading up about narcissism, because even if your mother doesn’t have it, many of the observations and techniques that work for that group also work for difficult people in general.
OP's update, a month later:
Thank you all for the advice, commentary, and inputs. I wanted to follow up on the original post that I posted. So far, I have gone no contact with my mother and sister. I ended up getting a new phone line and phone number.
I texted my sister to let her know I will no longer be paying for her or my mother's phone bill anymore. I then cut off that phone and moved on with my new phone line. I blocked and removed them from all social media as well.
Once I did that my mother decided to appear and attempt to call me at my job stating that there was an emergency and she needed to speak with me. I told my colleague that I would not be answering the phone and there is no emergency and to not answer my work phone line if she does call. After that she has not made any more attempts.
I believe she tried to call to bully me into paying their phone bill and try to do the guilt trip and shame me like she attempted to do on my bachelorette trip, but I was not falling for it. I also cutoff my sister's apple music which I know she would be pissed about. It all felt good!
I also found out that my mother added her husband's phone installment plan to the bill a year ago without telling me and that literally pushed me over the edge. I didn't notice it because it was an installment plan that only brought the bill up $35. That $35 a month adds up over time.
This added up to me paying $500 dollars for it before I cut everything off. I mean who has their daughter paying for their husbands brand new iPhone 14. How does anyone sit there comfortable doing that to their own daughter? This I will never understand.
It has been 7 months so far since I decided to go no contact. I can say that my life has been more peaceful with no drama. It has brought me and my husband closer together. I can truly say I am happy and starting to get back to being me again.
My relationship with my mom and sister was toxic and put me in a really dark place. Everything that happened during that trip has opened my eyes and I am looking forward to better things and I plan on redoing my bachelorette trip the right way.