Bride breaks tradition by excluding 'bully' step cousin from wedding party; AITA?

Choosing which friends and family members should be bridesmaids can be a daunting task for many brides, especially when there's a long-standing tradition you might have to break...

So, when a conflicted bride decided to consult the moral compass of the internet otherwise known as Reddit's 'Am I the As*hole' about an issue with her upcoming 300-person wedding, the jury of internet strangers was eager to help deem a verdict.

AITA (Am I the As*hole) for breaking tradition by not making my step-cousin a bridesmaid?

I (26F) have a step-cousin Jess (29F), who is the stepdaughter of my uncle Rob. Rob married Jess’s mother Tara when Jess was 9, and Rob already had my cousin Nate who was 8.

I have 7 cousins total, and Jess tried to bully all of us. She didn’t really succeed with my two older cousins, who were pre-teens and totally unbothered, but the rest of us were forced to play with her and she the absolute worst.

She was bossy, a nightmare if no one did what she told them, she’d take things, break things, and tattle to her mother constantly. As we got older, it just got worse. She stole my cousin Beth’s car because she was jealous she got one for her birthday.

She stole our social media content and posted it publicly. She had a party at my aunt’s empty apartment. It was bad. Nowadays she mostly nurses her intense victim complex and does her level best to be a soul-sucking presence at christmases and summer holidays.

In our family, when one of us has got married the cousins are bridesmaids/groomsmen. Jess has been included in this twice and both times she was such a drag at all the events we literally had do-overs, and she got sent out of the bridal suite.

I decided for mine that I wouldn’t make her a bridesmaid. I am having a wedding of 300 people that has effectively been planned like a military operation and frankly is causing me more anxiety than I’d like, I don’t need Jess ruining the run up to the day. I asked all my female cousins and my father’s girlfriend.

I sent Jess a long message explaining that I wanted her to hear it from me, and that since we are not close I presumed she wouldn’t be too put out but I hoped that she wasn’t offended, understood my decision, and that she would still attend the wedding.

All hell broke loose. My grandfather and father have been getting bombarded by Tara saying that they have to put their foot down and make me have Jess as a bridesmaid as is family tradition.

Jess even went so far as to contact my fiancé about how “hurt” she is (her creepy obsession with him is a whole other thing).

Rob has contacted me to (to be fair to him, very kindly) ask me to reconsider. Jess is bemoaning the fact that by excluding her I’ve basically said that she isn’t family because she’s not related, and she hasn’t been shy about sharing this publicly.

My grandmother has said that it’s unseemly to have this much drama surrounding the wedding and that I could have Jess up there on the day and just not invite her to anything beforehand, so that it at least looks cohesive. My grandmother is right about one thing, Tara and Jess are not letting it go and it’s becoming a huge thing. So I’m wondering if I made a mistake by taking this stand.

Later, the post was edited to include:

EDIT - I’m seeing a lot of people saying it’s unfair that my family are siding with Jess; they aren’t. My grandfather and father have both told Tara where to go.

My grandmother doesn’t like Jess any more than I do but she is sometimes more concerned with what her society circle thinks than the real situation, she’s just trying to avoid gossip (not her finest moment but she isn’t suggesting I give in for Jess’s sake).

Here's what people had to say...

06mf2uR said:

NTA. Im just amazed she made it to 29 without learning actions have consequences. If you manage to ruin every occasion your invited too eventually people will just stop including you…that’s reality. Stick with your decision, it might encourage others in the family to do the same. She’s got to learn eventually.

FinnFinnFinnegan said:

NTA don't let them bully you. Hold fast.

Cursd818 said:

NTA. Jess is still bullying you. Please just uninvite her and block her and her mother. To anyone who continues to complain, call them out on how their enabling of her terrible behavior makes them complicit in it.

You will NOT be bullied by anyone about YOUR wedding. They can attend happily or stay away, but there is nothing to discuss.

And to be honest, you should just block this awful woman. You can choose to protect yourself rather than expose yourself to a monster. And if she is harassing your fiancé, you should have already cut her out long ago, rather than enable her harassment by allowing her to be around him.

Common_Pear1884 said:

NTA it’s your wedding. You can choose who is involved or not. If certain family members have a problem with that they don’t belong there either in my opinion. Clearly no respect for you at all.

anovelt said:

Toxicity is like a contagious disease. By not making Jess a bridesmaid, you're protecting your wedding from an outbreak. It's better to have an empty seat than a poisonous presence. You're not obligated to make Jess a bridesmaid just because of 'family tradition.' It's like forcing a square peg into a round hole. NTA.

PetitPuffalo said:

NTA. Don’t be shy about sharing publicly that she’s being excluded because she’s terrible to be around, not because she’s not family.

So, there you have it...

Everyone agreed unanimously here that this bride isn't at all wrong to exclude her step-cousin from the bridal party as she's probably saving herself (and her bridesmaids) a whole lot of drama. Good luck, everyone!