Bride calls off $40K wedding because her fiancé 'dropped her cat off somewhere.' AITA? MAJOR UPDATE.
When this bride calls off her expensive wedding because of what her fiancé does to her cat, she asks Reddit:
"Am I the asshole for calling off my $40k wedding because my fiancée dropped my cat off somewhere?"
I (26f) had been with Tom (30m) for 7 years. We are no longer together and there were alot of things that happened that made me break off the engagement. One of which being, my cat being dropped off without my permission.
I was out one morning getting a new trash can because we needed one for the new house. That morning, I had finally, after searching a few different stores, found one that I thought would fit nicely in the area we needed it to go.
I messaged Tom a couple of pictures and asked him to pick from the lot of ones that would fit. He responded with the number of the one he liked and then sent "I dropped off your cat."
I was immediately thinking he was talking abiut dropping him off at the vet so I messaged back "at the vet? Is he okay?" And was met with no response until I called him. He said that my cat scratched his car.
So he dropped him off at a park about 5 miles from the house that had no houses around.
He did this with his best friend who was living with us at the time and trying to get on his feet after leaving the military and having no job lined up (which of course put strain on the relationship considering it was only supposed to be a couple of months and at this point was closer to 8 months.)
I immediately started crying because this cat was my first cat. He also gave me this cat and knew I loved this cat. He was basically my child.
The cat was put outside because he didn't like living with a dog and started using the bathroom outside of the litterbox. And yes, we tried everything from calming cat pheromones, to spray, to attraction litter, etc etc.after none of these things worked, we put him outside.
Needless to say, my cat started to do what cats do, climb up on things. Mostly my car but i didnt mind it.
Tom had mentioned he hoped my cat didn't start doing it with his car but I told him if the cat did, we would figure something out whether that was a car cover or rehoming him if we had to.
(I don't agree with de-clawing a cat especially an outside cat) well apparently my cat had done this once and Tom decided he wouldn't tell me and take matters into his own hands if my cat did it again.
Tom said he walked outside that morning and saw a scratch on his car and knew it was the cat I asked him how he knew it was the cat. He said he saw it on the cameras. I asked him to show me and he refused.
So I stayed in that abandoned area for about a month. Going every morning and sitting in the spot where he dropped off my cat. Bringing clothes that I had worn the day before and setting them out there. Everyday at about 4am.
I talked to construction workers in the area, left my phone numbers with people living closest to the park and even had friends and family come out to help me walk in the woods looking for my cat. I did everything.
With no help from Tom after I cried for a solid month every morning about my cat. So after seeing all of this, with no apology, I called off the wedding and left packing all my things within a week.
I think about this scenario a lot and ive always wondered, am I the asshole or do you think I did the right thing by leaving him?
Edit: for the people concerned about the cat originally being an inside cat full time, this was not the case.
The cat was an indoor/outdoor cat and he was still allowed in for bad weather or small intervals of time that way I could watch him and make sure he didn't mess up in the house. He was adopted as a fully outside cat and was raise d outside by his cat mom.
Edit2: the dog was elderly and the ex didn't own this dog. It was the friend's who my ex repetitively let over stay his welcome in our home. That would be a whole saga on its own.
Before we read OP's major update, let's take a look at some of the top responses:
witchmoon69 writes:
YTA for putting your HOUSE CAT outside. He's the AH for dumping him. You do not deserve a cat . Your cat was most likely killed by a wild animal. You absolutely are a disgusting piece of garbage!!
birony88 writes:
ESH. Your ex is the freaking devil himself, don't get me wrong. But you don't put cats outside for any reason.
I get it, you tried everything to get the cat to adjust to the dog. You should have re-homed the cat, not thrown it outside. It is highly irresponsible and cruel to put a house cat outside.
So many things can happen to a cat outside, and they can and do die every day. (I'm a petsitter by trade. My clients have lost outside cats to antifreeze, rabies, wild animals, cars, coyotes, just to name a few things that can happen.)
Do you know how many abandoned cats find their way to my house, and I end up caring for? It's an asshole move to make your cat someone else's problem. No, they don't survive on their own outside.
They survive with the support of caring people, people who have to tighten their own belts in order to feed these unfortunate cats, people who have to beg already-full shelters and rescues to help with just one more cat in desperate need. In the future, if you ever get another cat, PLEASE do not put it outside for any reason.
That being said, you absolutely did the right thing by dumping that horrible excuse for a human being. I am so sorry he did that to you and your cat. I have a bad feeling he's lying to you about what he did with your cat.
If in fact he did dump it in the middle of nowhere, we can only hope the cat found its way to civilization and someone who would help it. You've done all you could to find your cat. The only one to blame is your ex.
michuru098 writes:
NTA. File a police report for animal abuse and theft. See if the cops can find out where he actually dropped the cat off- he might be dumb enough to admit which shelter or location.
Then, I would post on every piece of social media I can get my hands on with his name, family name, siblings, etc. including a copy of the police report.
I would be asking for any sightings, or hints about where my cat was and asking publicly for folks to put pressure on him to admit where he dropped your stolen cat off.
dnacomplications writes:
Dumping your cat is a HUGE warning sign for him being abusive to you in the future. HUGE. He got you the cat, you bonded with the cat, and then he took it away on a pretext.
What were the behaviors that led to the cat being kept outside? It is very possible that he was bullying the cat inside, causing it to be stressed and exhibit behaviors.
Your ex has not really shown remorse, and has done something that there is no justification for. The warning signs for future HUMAN abuse are extreme.
You made the right choice, NTA. Don't take him back under any circumstances. He can never be trusted again.
furbaby writes:
Hey Tom - turn on your location. I and many other cat lovers just wanna talk.
No seriously, what the F? You are definitely NTA. In no way shape or form would you ever be, either. I'm glad you called off the engagement because holy hell, that guy was NOT someone you wanted to hitch your wagon to. I am so so sorry about your cat, though, that's absolutely heartbreaking.
I'm sending you so many hugs from afar, OP. That you had SO many other reasons why this guy was a piece of trash is just disheartening but I'm glad you got out. You definitely made the right choice.
I know it's never easy to walk away, especially if you've been together so long and you've grown so used to things. It's that deep-seated need for something familiar, finding comfort in that even if things are bad. You did it, though, and now it's time for you to put yourself first.
I hope your furbaby is out there somewhere and either finds his way back to you, or was taken in by someone who is loving on him, now.
Then, OP provides this update (with more details about her cat):
He was originally an outside cat. He never left the yard. He was fed twice a day and was allowed in during bad or cold weather and when I could watch him.
He had a house he stayed in on the porch under a light to make sure nothing came up to get him. I had also seen him go under the house a few times too so he had some hidey holes if he needed them as well as a few trees if necessary.
I personally will never put another cat outside and wouldn't have done it with this one if I had not been fearful.
The dog was his friends we were housing at the time. My cat was having bathroom issues. So the cat became 'inside outside' probably to be more accurate but the dog was elderly and had never been outside whereas my cat was an outside cat before I was given him by my ex.
It made since at the time as to why he was moved outside but the more I look at it, the more I realize he just didn't care for my cat.
If I had only known that was the early signs of abuse I wouldn't have stayed that month because it did get worse. I have been in therapy since that relationship for a ton of stuff I endured during that relationship. I was very brainwashed by my ex.
I've learned that I typically go for people that emulate my dad. He has bipolar disorder and exhibits narcissistic traits. I wish I could say I've learned from these mistakes and I have in weird ways but alot of people hide thus behavior for years and it starts gradually and builds uo over time so its hard to pin point who will and wont be that way.
I did contact shelters at the time this was about 2 years ago. Still no sign of the cat. I still check the shelters pages to make sure he hasn't been posted occasionally. But it's been so long he's either not here anymore or with another family.
Readers weighed in on the update too:
missa2006 writes:
He said he had proof your cat did it? But he won't show it to you?I call BS. I'm thinking he saw a scratch on his car and either went off on the cat, killing him in the process or is just kying to you of where he dumped him because he doesn't want you to find him and bring him back home.
That scratch could have come from any animal. Did he actually ever show you this scratch, or did he just tell you there was one? I would've been demanding to see this scratch that had him in such a tizzy that he had to disappear YOUR cat.
I'm also wondering. What else would suddenly disappear of yours that he didn't like later after you got married? Looks like you dodged a huge bullet.