Bride considers calling off wedding, 'my fiancé made a pros and cons list about me in his group chat.' AITA?
"AITA for considering postponing my wedding after I saw how my fiancé talks about me in his group chat?"
Me (24f) and my STBH (24m) have been together since we were both 17. He was my first everything. First boyfriend, first kiss, etc. Literally my first for everything.
He proposed after I graduated nursing school and I’ve never been happier. I know everyone says this but there’s literally been zero problems and zero red flags. I wanted to play this game he has on his ipad cause I’ve become borderline addicted to it.
As I was playing it, I saw a text from his group chat pop up. I ignored it then another came up with one of his friends saying something dirty. I got confused so I decided to open it.
This group chat is only men. Some are MY childhood friends too. And we hangout with these people multiple times a week. My husband sent a pros and cons list about me. I copied it, sent it to me, deleted the evidence. Here’s the list:
Pros: —physically eager and good in bed —curvy in the right places and a flat stomach —doesn't let herself become frumpy and ugly —funny and smart —good cook and baker.
Cons: —has a lot of animals —doesn't always keep our place clean —laughs too loud —vulgar and crude —has bad breath in the mornings —spends too much time at the gym.
Is the list that bad? It made my stomach drop and I’ve just felt this impending dread ever since discovering it. The cons aren’t THAT bad, but it feels so objectifying with the pros list.
And as I scrolled up and read more, the worse it got. He talked to them about how he thinks I lied about being physically inexperienced when we met cause I’m “too eager” in wanting to try too many things.
And even bragged about how he has a folder on his phone of videos and photos of me and us. Everybody dared him to send it but he said no but how can I be sure he didn’t send it anyways and deleted the evidence?
He even talked about how there was a week he tested to see how many times we could be intimate by simply asking, and decided to stop because he “started to feel bad."
There was more, but I can’t write it out. I feel so gross and sad. I talk about him in a such different way. It feels like he only sees me as an object and I see him as my other half.
I’ve opted out of friend hangouts and have distanced myself from him. He’s noticed and has been trying to find out what’s wrong but I’m not even ready to tell him. I wanna postpone our wedding until we can figure this out or if it’s even salvageable. Am I overreacting? Please any and all advice is welcomed.
Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:
redditlurker1981 said:
I don’t think you should ever marry anyone so willing to humiliate you. He doesn’t sound like he has much love or respect for you. Not a good way to start a life long partnership.
choppedliver65 said:
This man has no respect for you. It’s not ok for someone who is supposed to love you to talk about you in a degrading and objectifying way. And the others in the gc are not your friends.
If anything you are now under reacting. Postponing the wedding is the minimum you should do. Don’t be fooled into staying with him because he was your first and you’ve put so much time and energy into the relationship.
You deserve better. You have plenty of time to find a partner who respects and loves you. NTA, but you may end up being one to yourself if you don’t address this and demand better for yourself, even if it is with someone else.
ceokc13 said:
NTA. On top of the list being dumb and humiliating in and of itself the fact that he “tested” you would be enough for me. I’m petty so I would create a group chat with all his friends and include him and create pros and cons list of your fiancé with any and all of his insecurities and then leave him.
Imaginary-Yak-6487 said:
NTA & He’s gross. I’d walk away.
No-Consequence3985 said:
NTA! I can understand a pro and con list. But the stuff he has on it and the fact he shared it with his friends is beyond awful. Discussing intimate details in a group chat would be unforgivable to me.
This was complete disrespect! I would at the bare minimum postpone and insist on counseling. I personally would end it, but that's a decision only you can make. Maybe make your own pro/con list. I definitely see more con's than pro's.
AgentOfBliss said:
NTA but I wouldn't be postponing anything. I would just cancel. No way would I be able to look at him the same.
ClevelandWomble said:
He's not ready to be a husband and you deserve better anyway. Postponing is the minimum. Thinking those thoughts is one thing. Sharing your intimate moments for laughs is just.... gross. NTA.