Bride at a crossroads; 'Can I get away with not inviting my fiance's family to our wedding?' AITA?

'AITAH (or would I be) for not inviting my fiancé’s family to our wedding?'

I haven’t pulled the plug on any decision, but im seriously considering to not invite any of my fiancés family to our wedding ceremony.

Let me back up - I’ve been with my soon to be husband for almost 10 years and I’m very close to his family, especially his mom and both of his grandmas. I have great relationships with all of them and I talk to them more than my fiancé does.

They’ve done nothing but welcome me to the family since day 1. My future MIL helped my fiance pick out my dream ring and she goes above and beyond for us when we need anything. For all of this, I am beyond grateful. With all that said, I’m leaning towards them not being at our wedding.

Why? I’m a nutshell: I am not close at all with my family and it’s very unfortunate. I grew up with emotionally immature and stunted parents who prioritized their own happiness over their children’s well being.

(Un)Shockingly, this did not manifest into good or healthy parent-child relationships when we (me and my siblings) entered adulthood. I have 6 siblings, and we all have shitty relationships with one another.

My mom hates my fiancé (even though he’s done more for me in the 10 years together than she ever has) and my father is completely indifferent about anything going on my life. Neither of them congratulated me about the engagement when it happened and I have yet to hear anything from my siblings.

My fiancé’s family wants a formal ceremony (he’s the baby and his mother’s only son). I’m paralyzed on moving forward with anything. I’d rather it just be him and I. The idea of having a ceremony with only his family and none of mine is heartbreaking.

I’d feel selfish for not allowing his family to witness their son/grandson get married, but at the same time, I don’t know if I can emotionally deal with not having anyone in my family in attendance. I feel like a loser. If I don’t invite them, AITAH?

Let's see what readers thought:

facgetre writes:

YWBTA. You would break his and your new family's heart. It will stain your husband's relationship with his family. And why, just because your $hitty family has still so much power over you? You have a bad relationship with them, so don't invite them. Ask your IL if they would be willing to do the 'give the bride away'-thing.

Or better something like your father IL welcoming you in the family at the begin of the ceremony and then bringing you to your future husband (so do some of your own rituals to feel more welcome).

fatheyr writes:

Honestly I’m leaning towards YTA on this one. First of all, this is a decision you and your fiancé should be making together. Second, think about how his (a.k.a. your new) family would feel. They treat you like a daughter.

They’ve pretty much adopted you (in all ways except formally, sounds like) and love you. THEY are your family. Maybe keep the wedding small with only the closest family members. And/or instead of having the bride’s family on one side of the aisle and the groom’s on the other, as is often tradition, people sit wherever.

That way the guest list wouldn’t feel so lopsided (I’d argue that it isn’t truly lopsided though because they’ve been more like family than your bio family). Regardless, excluding these people who have been so good to you since day 1 is exactly how that kindness stops. Maybe not right away, but this sort of thing is how even the best family relationships start to go to hell.

My advice: invite your new family/find some kind of compromise, and fck those other people. They suck anyway.

Invite the people who were relevant for you growing up - friends, extended family, maybe even a teacher, who was important for you. You are not alone and you will start a new family. You get a husband and by the sound of it wounderfull ILs, celebrat that and don't let it be ruined by your family.

greaaan writes:

Very very gentle YTA. Have a very small ceremony. Ask the absolute minimum number of his family - explain to them that you're not comfortable having a big ceremony or a big party, you really do want to keep numbers down to the absolute minimum of family who will be really heartbroken if not invited.

And then do whatever seems right for your side. Ask close friends - found family - instead of your toxic relations. Ask the least-toxic members of your family. You have a hard cut-off - the small numbers on your husband-to-be's side. Or don't ask anyone, and move forward with your new family, your loving and welcoming family.

But if it's really going to hurt people who have been loving and welcoming to you, then yes, make a decision not to hurt them.

grout writes:

YWBTA….First of all, have the ceremony you and your fiance want, no matter what anyone else wants. Second, they may not be your bio family, but you state they treat better than your bio family ever has. Your fiancé’s family has become your family.

Have those at your wedding who treat you with love and respect. If that means that none of your siblings or your parents are invited, so be it.

Just because they are family, does not mean you have to have toxic people in your life. You get one life to live and it goes by so fast. Spend it with those who makes your heart happy.

vouacchh writes:

Yes, YWBTA. You would prefer, like your parents did to you, to be mean to other people to avoid (which won't happen) your own pain.

To feel like a looser for not having a loving family - means you blame yourself for having your parents, like they are. Having your siblings, like they are. So - you think it is your responsibility to have been born into this family? Then why do you even try to be happy now? Stay with the people who don't care for you.

Don't marry. You could eventually be truly loved. You could be suddenly not alone anymore. You are about to break out from the misery you have chosen by birth. How do you dare? Don't be good to Yourself.

People with bad parents deserve only shit on their life. Right? So be a shitty person. Stay alone and feel like a looser. Or better hurt your fiance and his family, don't invite them. And them divorce after year, complaining how weird they all are.