Bride devastated when parents won't attend her wedding; 'It all started when I didn't invite their best friends, 'The Scotts' AITA? UPDATED 5X
When this bride is furious with her parents leading up to her wedding, she asks the internet:
"My parents won’t attend my wedding (New Update) AITA?"
My parents won't attend my wedding, and here's why: SHORT STORY: At 24(f), I find myself in a heartbreaking situation – my parents won't be at my wedding. The reason? I refused to invite their friends, (I’ll call them the Scotts,) who made my life a living hell during the year I lived in their guest house.
From false accusations to disrespecting my fiancé, things reached a breaking point. Fast forward to wedding planning, and the Scotts became a point of contention. When I stood firm on not inviting them, it led to a family fallout. Despite my attempts to mend things, my parents are boycotting the wedding.
LONG STORY: In 2021, fresh out of college, I moved to a new state for a job. Facing high rent, the Scotts, family friends of my parents, offered me their guest house for a mere $300 a month. Little did I know, this seemingly sweet deal would lead to a year of turmoil.
The Scotts, long-time friends and business partners of my parents, had three kids. As soon as I settled in, the Scott’s became excessively involved in my personal life, particularly my relationship.
The situation took a dark turn as they fabricated scenarios to my parents, accusing me of promiscuity, rarely being home, and even planning to secretly move in with my boyfriend. Their disdain for my boyfriend was palpable – treating him with passive-aggression, condescension, and even making derogatory comments about him being adopted.
The interference escalated with "family meetings" where they labeled me as a poor influence on their teenage daughter, criticizing my boyfriend (whom they had met only three times).
And I have to add, my bf and I don’t drink or smoke and both have careers - my bf is a perfectly good man and was always respectful to them despite their poor treatment. The "dad" of the Scott family went to the extent of sharing his marriage problems and lack of a se% life, blurring the boundaries of landlord-tenant/inappropriate relationships.
The breaking point came when the fridge in the guest house broke, and they insisted I foot the bill for a $900 replacement.
Their influence over my parents was significant, as my parents rarely had my back and sided with the Scotts, constantly belittling my boyfriend without reason. By the end of 2022, I decided to move out with some girlfriends of mine, leaving without saying goodbye to avoid further confrontation.
Fast forward to the summer of 2023, my boyfriend and I were living together in a new state, and he proposed. To my surprise, when he asked my parents for their blessings, they were supportive and enthusiastic. My parents were even flown out to witness our engagement.
As we delved into wedding planning in the fall of 2023, my fiancé's parents generously offered to finance the wedding. Strangely, my mother declined involvement in the planning, claiming she hated it.
Despite repeated invitations from myself and my future mother-in-law, she insisted we handle everything on our own, a departure from the typical involvement of the mother of the bride. My MIL did fly my mom out to NY for wedding dress shopping which was fun, but my mother insisted on the trip that this was all she wanted to do.
Winter 2023 brought a text from my dad, urging me to invite the Scotts. I respectfully declined, citing the distress it would cause me on our special day. This refusal triggered a nuclear war within the family.
My parents, adamant about the Scotts' inclusion, declared they wouldn't attend the wedding. My dad accused me of starting my happy life by destroying his, and my mother uninvited me to Christmas.
In attempts to salvage the situation, I apologized and tried to explain my decision. However, my parents were unreceptive, hurling insults and baseless accusations claiming my side of the family has been “cancelled”.
My mother then flipped the scripted and threatened to expose details on social media of my disrespect to the family if I didn’t show up for Christmas.
Despite exchanging Christmas and birthday greetings via text I’ve not spoken to them about the situation, the pain of their absence and the harsh words lingers as I approach my wedding day. I’m confused, I’m guilty, I’m in pain. The fallout, all because I refused to invite the Scotts.
we are having a destination wedding and the festivities will begin 3 days prior to the wedding. So if caved in and invited the Scotts, I would have to endure up to 4 days of them.
I don’t want to walk around the resort and turn around and have to see them and instantly get into a bad mood. Also, I am afraid if my parents decide to show up without the Scott’s that they will cause drama. ;(
Before we give you OP's updates, let's take a look at some ot the top responses:
sendcopy6 writes:
Just to be painfully clear: this isn't about the Scotts. The Scott's are just the convenient scapegoat to them to fight back at your independence. It doesn't really matter what reasoning they provide:
Your parents are choosing to skip your wedding to punish/hurt you. Just like they tried to manipulate you to come to Christmas by threatening to hurt you (through character attacks).
The only way to win is to start/continue therapy to help extricate yourself from their abuse and see this behavior for what it is: Their own controlling issues.
It sucks that they have these issues and that they are choosing to blow up the rest of your relationship because of their issues, but that is the choice they are making and you aren't responsible for that.
On the one hand: you are powerless to fix them (and get the loving parents that you deserve), but on the other hand, you can take the work of fixing them off your plate and start grieving for the loss of this relationship.
I wish you well in your new marriage and I am glad you also have the support of your in-laws. Enjoy your wedding!
liluscaprius writes:
I always see posts on here about how their nparents ruined their wedding, maybe it’s best they aren’t there. They could make the day terribly unpleasant. I completely understand the heartbreak though, you shouldn’t be facing this in the first place. Their behavior is unacceptable.
They are essentially honoring these “friends” over their own daughter. I hope that you and your husband have a beautiful life together, and that you overcome this difficult and painful experience. You don’t deserve to be guilt tripped for the decisions they have made.
randalzzz6 writes:
I've recently been at a wedding in which one side of the parents didn't show up (they refused to attend since they refuse to acknowledge his son sexuality), on the other side the parents are divorced and they talked about it and only the mother attended, in order to keep things at peace and to make less evident the absence on the other side no hard feelings there.
They knew that would happen and decided to make a for-friends wedding, no aunties, no uncles, no parent's friends... the only family was that one side mother and the sister of the no-parents side (who is lovely and supportive of her brother, she made everyone cry with her discourse).
No one thought of the marrying couple to act bad against their parents or something, everyone accepted and knew that those intolerant, non-attending parents were the disrespectful ones and that ultimately, some day they will die alone with their hate.
For this exact situation, I'd let everyone know that our parents insisted to invite those friends that were highly disrespectful to you and your fiancée, and that they forced you to decide on having a nice day or having them in the wedding. With a smile.
Also, having them in the wedding is an open recipe for disaster, you are waaaaay better without them there making scenes.
workpinprogress writes:
Omg! This was a nightmare to read, I cannot imagine you living this in real life. . . Then you said your uncle was Russian. . . You're in the same position my daughter will inevitably be in.
Your father is a narcissist but only has control over you if you let him. Go get married and live a happy life, but to make sure that your mother and father are aware that any disparaging remarks about you or your husband will be met with them.being served with a court case against them for libel and defamation!
They are playing chess, so match the energy here!
concfree writes:
Is there a chance that father Scott may have been wanting to become more involved with you while you were living with him? Would explain the excessive intrusion in your personal life, him sharing his bedroom woes and fabricating stories to paint your boyfriend in a bad light.
Regardless, I’m sorry you’re getting treated this way by your parents during one of the most special times in your life. Do you have siblings? Have they commented anything or family members from your mom/dads side that were also invited to the wedding saying anything?
And now, OP's first update:
My future in laws don’t want the Scott’s there. But they would be willing to bite the bullet for me because they feel terrible about my parents not attending. They’re such good people, but there’s no way in hell I’m going to let that happen, especially since they are doing so much for me out of the kindest of their hearts.
However, this actually came up in the argument with my parents and my dad literally said “I don’t have to ask your fiance or his mother for permission to invite who I want to the wedding of my daughter.” My parents say the Scott’s did everything out of protection. It makes me so angry.
OP's second update:
My fiancé has been incredibly supportive. Most of all he just feels terrible for me and feels that I have been put in a lose-lose situation by my parents. Either I invite the Scott’s and be absolutely miserable on our wedding, OR I don’t invite them and my own parents opt to not attend.
He also doesn’t want the Scott’s to attend, but he would be willing to bite the bullet if I was desperate for my parents to come. However like many comments below, I don’t want to start my life with an ultimatum from my parents.
If I cave in now, who knows what they will do in the future. I am blessed to be marrying someone who is patient, caring, and supportive.
OP's 3rd update:
The Scotts invest money into my dad’s small business and they split ownership 50/50. In the initial text from my parents, My dad said that he has been losing sleep for months thinking about how he was going to tell the Scott’s they’re not invited to my wedding.
I think my dad is afraid that if he doesn’t invite them, the Scotts will get pissed and pull out.
This is speculation, but if this is the case, then some people are right and this is like a blackmail thing. But I don’t want to feel guilty! Why do I have to invite people who give me a visceral reaction of anxiety and stress just because my dad is afraid to tell them no?
And now, OP's 4th update:
Context from my original post: At 24(f), I find myself in a heartbreaking situation – my parents won't be at my wedding. The reason? I refused to invite their friends.
Update: I woke up this morning to a bunch of texts from my mother. She demanded that i end my engagement, cancel the wedding, quit my job, and move back to their home.
She started saying things like “I know you’re unhappy. It’s okay, you tried. Now it’s time to come home. You have some maturing you need to do.” This irks me so much.
My parents literally gave their blessings for my marriage 6 months ago. Now they want me to change my entire life because they’re mad they didn’t get their way.
I responded and said this is my life and if they don’t want to respect my decisions, that’s on them. But I am in utter shock. I am financially independent of my family…I have a great job, loving partner. How do Nparents come up with this shit?
Update 5:
Three months have passed since my parents declined attending my wedding. Initially, I found peace in acceptance, looking forward to celebrating with those who would be present and knowing my parents wouldn't be there to ruin it.
However, a text from my younger brother(19M) shattered that peace, revealing that our parents threatened to kick him out of the house and abandon him financially if he attends my wedding. This utterly crushed me, I am so close with my brothers and I love them DEARLY.
I have three brothers aged, 19, 22, and 27. While my older brother lives independently, my two younger siblings still live with our parents.
Despite my parents decision to not come to the wedding, I told my brothers how badly I want them to attend, assuring them of my support. After their shared support, I booked their travel, optimistic about their participation.
I was naive to believe our parents would accept this decision. Their subsequent outburst targeted my brothers, leveraging financial threats to dissuade them from attending, claiming they are betraying the family by supporting me.
I offered to financially assist my brothers if they still want to attend knowing they’d get kicked out, but I realize the difficulty of abandoning familiarity.
In response to this outburst, my brothers called me & proposed an intervention, aiming to address broader familial issues, aka the bigger picture of my parents being abusive.
I tried my best to explain this was a BAD idea…I pleaded. Despite my reservations, I supported them via phone call, I felt I was bound by sibling loyalty.
Yesterday's call confirmed my fears. Amidst vile accusations, I endured personal attacks, ranging from insults against my fiancé to baseless critiques of our life choices. My father's tirade, marked by verbal abuse, culminated in a cruel dismissal of my feelings.
Here are a few notes I took during the 2 hour “intervention: My fiancé is not an intellectual because he likes to snowboard and doesn’t know how to have intellectual conversations.
My fiancé doesn’t have royal or noble blood and therefore cannot have intelligent children.
It was rude for my fiancé to not bring flowers or wine when he flew from another state for the day to ask for my hand in marriage.
My decision to change my job and move to a new state with my fiancé is a manipulation tactic. My dad said calling people names and insults is the right thing to do when you’re mad.
My dad said by my decision to change my career path is stupid and I am cutting him out of his life.
Thinks my fiancé’s job as a salesman makes him a loser. My parents are mad I never offered to invite my uncle that I haven’t seen in 13 years who lives in russia. (literal WTF moment for me).
My dad says my relationship is wrong, and he’s not happy about it. Says it would be smart to break up.
My dad says he regrets not punching my fiancé in the face when he asked for his blessings and says it will haunt him for the rest of his life that he didn’t punch him. Says the only reason he gave his blessings was to not hurt my feelings.
Says my fiancé’s parents are mean for not responding to their texts. Called my fiancé’s mom a b&ch. Said everyone at my engagement party is unintellectual and a redneck, and that they were shocked at the crowd I’ve decided to live around.
The last minute of the call consisted of my dad screaming at the top of his lungs that I am stupid, an idiot, dumb, and a b&ch. (I started hysterically crying at this point, I felt like a little girl again).
He called me a liar when I explained all the horrible things his friends did to me and why I didn't want to invite them to the wedding. He even called me a liar when I explained that his friend(70m) would try to talk about his se% life with me. :(
Crying I explained to my dad: “I just wish you cared about my feelings too because I am also really hurt and just want you to understand my perspective.” He said…”Why the f should I care about your feelings? You don’t respect me, my friends, or my values. F your feelings you stupid bitch.” I ended the call right there.
After the call my brothers said they will still be attending my wedding because this has become an issue of standing up to my fathers unacceptable behavior. Despite my brothers' attempts at defense, we were OUTMATCHED by our father's narcissism.
Enduring the call was agonizing, yet crucial for my siblings to witness his true nature. Gaslit and invalidated, I
feltFEEL so dehumanized. I never thought I would someday block my parents.
Today marks day 1 of going no contact. My parents threatened to kick my youngest brother(19M) out of the house if he attends my wedding.
My brothers (19,22,&27) decided to host an intervention that blew up in all of our faces as we were no match for my father's narcissism. Now I've blocked my parents and the fate of my brothers attending my wedding is unknown.
Readers continued to weigh in on OP's updates:
OOP's dad is one of those gutless narcissistic people who can only talk crap behind other people's back while pretending they're the best and politest people to hang with.
My wife's uncle is this way who hates my wife and FIL because he thinks they are two faced and she doesn't deserve me because:
I'm white and she's black (she's tanned actually which makes her hotter in my eyes but this is Pakistani society) .
She had a boyfriend (me); She doesn't hold his view of an 'innocent girl who shouldn't know anything about the world and should keep quiet'
She married into money so his status in the family as 'rich' is ruined. She supposedly has weak genetics because of FIL so he doesn't consider her part of the family. She lives a life he can only wish his daughter could live.
He also slandered my MIL to everyone when she called his behavior out. But you better believe he pretended to be a close friend and supporter to me and FIL. Only when my wife had enough of his crap did he back off but solely because he was scared she would expose him to me and that is something he cannot bear.
OOP needs to threaten to expose her family and the Scotts for them to back but also be prepared to follow through with it in case they call her bluff.
justwanttobequiet writes:
My God, I hope OP realises that she doesn’t need to cater to her parent’s feelings anymore. If their business goes to crap if Scotts’ aren’t invited then so be it. The brothers being unable to attend sucks but ultimately it is their decision.
If I was in OP’s place I would have recorded the entire intervention conversation and get ahead of the curve by putting it up on social media. I bet her parents are going to take to social media if the brothers decided to attend. At some point you gotta give people a taste of their medicine and damn the consequences.
coffeecat writes:
Sometimes Nparents can just be psycho about wanting to control their kids relationships. I got married to a WONDERFUL guy and we had our first kid together.
When he had to go back to work my mon helped me out for a couple of weeks and then convinced me it was a good idea to go several states away with her to her house for a MONTH with a newborn so she could take care of me.
In the first week there she tried multiple times daily to convince me to leave my husband and move in with her and my stepdad. That they desperately needed people of my profession in her area so I’d be able to find a job easily to start over.
I was horrified and kept turning her away telling her I was HAPPY in my marriage. She also said ugly things about him too. So I called him and he came and got me. It was the first of major issues that led me to NC that has been kept for about 10 years now.