Bride DEVASTATES stepmother and stepsisters when she refuses to uphold their wedding tradition. AITA?

When this woman is upset with her stepmom and stepsisters leading up to her wedding, she asks the internet:

"AITA for choosing to not wear a bracelet my stepmother and stepsisters wore to their weddings?"

I (24f) am getting married this winter. My stepmother wanted me to wear a bracelet that was handed down from her grandmother, that she and my stepsisters all wore at their weddings and that my half sisters will likely wear at theirs, at my wedding and have it be my something borrowed.

I told her it was a really sweet offer but I already had my something old, new, borrowed and blue taken care of. She was upset that I didn't have her help with any of that. She asked me what would represent her half of my family on my wedding day.

I told her they didn't really need representing and that my step and half siblings will be there, as well as her.

She told me I'm not including her whole family like I'm including my paternal and maternal sides and that she already knows I'm wearing some stuff of my mom's and some stuff from maternal family members. She said she wanted to see me honor both moms during the wedding.

I still chose not to wear it. She's upset because she married my dad when I was 9, after my mom died, and wanted me to embrace her and her family (her kids and extended family) as equally family to me as my mom and dad and maternal and paternal families.

She knows I don't. But I know she wants me to take the symbol anyway.

She argued a bit. Then she told my dad and he told me it would be extra sweet and meaningful to make my stepmother happy and show love and acceptance for my third parent and third side of my family. AITA?

Readers were VERY torn about OP's dilemma. Take a look!

gimmedatdram writes:

I'm kind of leaning towards YTA. If you've had a good relationship with this woman, then I can't see why you would be so hostile towards a sweet gesture. If it had been the other way round and you'd wanted to wear it, but she'd told you you couldn't wear it because you're not "family," then everyone would be up in arms.

She clearly regards you as a daughter and wants to include you in the tradition she has with her family. However, if I've misread the situation and you've had a poor relationship and it's more of a manipulative gesture, then I'm willing to revise my judgment.

kittycatc writes:

NAH based on the info provided. You don’t say that she’s spent your life trying to erase your mom or being overbearing about being called mom or anything else that would make accepting the bracelet particularly fraught.

Just that she wants to feel symbolically included in a milestone moment for someone she considers a daughter (even if you don’t consider her a mom).

You obviously don’t have to accept the bracelet. I think it would be morally fine not to. Just be really clear that you’re choosing to hurt your stepmom’s feelings about it and she may feel pushed away, but maybe that’s your goal, in which case, yatzee.

Families are complicated and I don’t know enough about yours to say that anyone is really doing anything “wrong” here.

spinaggccch writes:

She is not your mother, but did you allow her to take a role in raising you? Did she cook your meals, wash your clothes, take you shopping, buy you gifts, plan birthday parties, go to school events?

Did you accept all the things that benefited you even though she wasn't your mother? If she did and you accepted them, put the bracelet in your hair or bouquet. You are needlessly hurting her and your sisters. If your father did all of that for you, then tell her to kick rocks.

Edited to add mild YTA. I get it's your day, but that doesn't give you license to be deliberately hurtful, and the hurt you cause goes far beyond one day. I also get the bracelet has no special meaning for you. Does every bobby pin in your hair have special meaning? Every bit of makeup you wear?

danama writes:

YTA. it's your wedding and you're not obligated to do anything you don't want to, but this seems like a really genuine attempt to be family with you.

I don't know what would possess you to make sure this woman and her kids know that you don't see yourself as a part of them or they a part of you, but it takes a real hard heart to do that.

If my stepmother had a tradition like this that she wanted to invite me to participate in, I would feel so honored and special to be included. And the reverse is also true, if there was a tradition I was privy to but not allowed to participate in, I would feel so rejected and unloved.

I mean do what you want but they're clearly trying to show you how much they love you. If you were my stepdaughter and this is what you gave me I think our relationship would change very drastically very quickly following that choice.

headatten writes:

NAH. I understand it’s your wedding & you can do whatever you want. But my sympathies are with stepmom from what you’ve shared.

Because boy, stepmom’s get absolutely no slack here. I don’t get the impression she wants to replace your mom or maternal relations at all. Only supplement them. With a minor request that would be a bond between you and your step/half sisters.

Just think how it would be if she didn’t “let” you participate in some family traditions that were only reserved for the daughters she was biologically related to. I get the feeling many of these comments would not be supportive of her.

When your half sisters get married, will you be okay not being in a family picture? One with your stepmom and all the “sisters”? Except not you? Different bio mom, can’t be in this photo, reserved only for the children of stepmom’s loins?

I hope your answer is yes, you don’t feel you belong and prefer to only be a guest at the wedding. If you can legit say yes to this I would say you are definitely NTA.

But I have a sneaky suspicion you will be included without a second thought, because the rest of your family sees you just as that, part of the combined family. And this doesn’t take away from your “real” mother or her relatives in any way.

agagh78 writes:

If she’s never been a mean and cruel stepparent (which nothing was written to make me think she was) then YTA. There are a lot of step parents out there who do a lot for their step children and treat them as one of their own.

You don’t need to let a step parent replace the one that you lost, but if they took good care of you and gave you same love and respect and care they gave their blood children then is it so awful to do one small thing to honor her at your wedding?

You don’t have to wear it on your wrist, you could put it elsewhere on outfit or on bouquet. This not only feels like a huge slight to your stepmom but also all the sisters. Is there something bad that happened that would make you not want to participate in a small tradition with them all?

To me, if there’s no big reason why not, it seems like participating in small and easy tradition seems more worth helping a bond then to be mean about it and hurt relationships.

Again, if a step parent hasn’t been awful, and they’ve been there most of your life, I don’t see why you’d want to slight them at your wedding. If she was awful, then please provide that detail so we can judge accordingly.