Bride excludes mother from wedding dress shopping and buys 'the one.' AITA? 'You'll never be beautiful.'
"AITA for not inviting my mother to go wedding dress shopping and then buying 'the one' without her?"
I am a 25F planning my wedding for next year. I am very early in the process but have started going dress shopping. For context, I haven’t always had the best relationship with my mom, she tends to be a bit narcissistic and negative towards everything but I’ve learned to get used to it since I was raised by her.
Backstory, I have never felt very “feminine” and usually tend to portray a tomboy vibe. While growing up she would always make comments of my weight or appearance, or even one time while prom dress shopping I said I wanted to feel beautiful in my dress and she said “well you aren’t beautiful, you’re cute, but you’ll never be “beautiful."
So moral of the story, the first two times I went dress shopping for my wedding gown I took her with me because I wanted validation from her. And I wanted her to think I looked beautiful (I know it’s dumb to do but it’s a trauma thing and I realize it’s a me issue) anyway...
During each of those dress fittings she wouldn’t say anything necessarily bad or negative, but she just overall seemed disinterested or somehow made it about her.. at one point I even broke down crying in the middle of the store because of her lack of presence.
I was very hurt by her lack of interest or maternal warmth so I decided that the next time I went I would try on some dresses without her to just see if I was less anxious or stressed. I happened to find a dress I loved and bought that day! It was a much better time overall as well and I enjoyed it!
But part of me felt slightly guilty for not including her but mainly upset that she wasn’t offering the emotional support or maternal comfort that I would hope to get from my mother, but I got over it. Until my dad called…
He then told me about how hurt and bothered she is that I didn’t even tell her I was going let alone invite her. And she is embarrassed because her friends are asking details and she wasn’t made aware of any of them because she wasn’t included in the last dress fitting.
He wants me to apologize to her because I hurt her feelings but she won’t even answer my calls and very briefly will respond to a text with a one word answer...I’m seeing her in person tomorrow but I can tell if I am the ahole for not including her in a special moment for her also? Or am I justified in my initial thoughts and actions?
Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:
Vuirneen said:
if she was there, you wouldn't have bought that dress - the experience would have been ruined by your anxiety, just like the other two times. That dress wouldn't have felt special. You can't do the same thing three times and expect a different outcome.
You did the right thing by going without your mother, but maybe a supportive friend calling your mom a b would have been the cap to the experience. NTA. Don't apologize and don't go visit.
lilmissscheeky said:
NTA. Your wedding dress shopping is about your experience and feeling supported, not about meeting your mother’s expectations.
AKlife420 said:
NTA and DO NOT apologize. This is a her issue, and not a you issue. You need someone who is supportive and she isn't it.
ComprehensiveSet927 said:
NTA. Her being embarrassed in front of her friends is not your problem.
ThatsItImOverThis said:
NTA. She made you feel like crap when you took her, and you broke down crying! The one time you don’t bring her and you have a wonderful time and find your dress. This is not a coincidence. She’s embarrassed because she doesn’t know details. Once again, she’s made it about her. Your mom is a narc.
IssueDistinct5566 said:
NTA...I’m sorry this special day has been spoiled for you.