Bride excludes stepdad from father of the bride traditions at wedding; Mom says, 'This is a betrayal!' AITA?

When this woman upsets her stepfather leading up to her wedding, she asks the internet:

"AITA for choosing my brothers to do some of the father of the bride traditions at my wedding and not my stepdad?"

My dad died when my brothers and I (26f) were 12m, 7f and 5m. I was 12 when I met my stepdad for the first time. He and mom got married just before my 13th birthday. So it was a short time I knew him before he became my stepdad.

My stepdad met us all expecting he would be stepping in as a dad to all three of us. For this reason he and my older brother never got along.

My younger brother and I were younger so it was expected we'd be different but it didn't work that way. I liked him and saw him more like an uncle, not a dad or a parent, and he tried really hard to be more than that, sometimes far too hard and it caused us to pull back.

It would then lead to discussions and asking why we were resisting having a second dad, and being told we could have more than one, our dad would want us to have more than one.

It led us to therapy where my mom and stepdad were told by the therapist that it wasn't something they could or should force and that being an uncle figure was better than all three of us landing where my older brother did, which they were risking.

We also got to hear in therapy how my stepdad never got to have kids of his own and would have loved them and so he felt extra hurt that the kids he loved and wanted to be that dad for, didn't want him in that way.

There was a definite shift after therapy. He was less involved, still caring and all but he did pull away some, and while I think we were supposed to want him more, it was a relief.

Both my younger brother and I were more relaxed about our stepdad after that. We didn't miss his extra efforts and my mom told us a few times that it made my stepdad feel really shitty.

I got engaged recently and my mom and stepdad asked me directly if my stepdad would be given the role as father of the bride. I told them I was intending to ask my older brothers.

But not in the full role more so a few of the traditions that come with it. My stepdad asked me not to. He said he wanted to fill the role. That he wanted to walk me down the aisle and have a father daughter dance, as well as being the one who says he gives me to my fiancé.

I told him I understood but that wasn't what I wanted. I told him he would still be included just not that way, that he and mom would be seated at a table with my ILs, would be walking to their seats together like my ILs, would be announced like them.

After that talk I asked my brothers and both of them said yes. My younger brother said they'd wear something of dad's while doing it and since they both look SO much like him, we all do, it could be an extra comfort to me. I was so happy.

My mom and stepdad aren't happy. They told me the discussion was not over and I didn't give my stepdad enough consideration.

My mom told me I could have given my stepdad the greatest gift, of being a dad for one day, and I denied him. And by choosing both brothers, especially my younger brother, I insulted him. For clarity's sake, my stepdad is not giving any money to the wedding. AITA?

Let's see what readers had to say:

legala7 writes:

NTA - not at all. What you and your siblings feel is par for the course on every story related to yours. It's unfortunate that steps feel like they can step in and replace your parent, but the reality is they cannot.

Most importantly, your life events are not opportunities for the steps to receive validation for their feelings. It's not about them, it's about you and unfortunately, most times they're not mature enough to realize that. Congratulations on your wedding. It's your day, so go live it the way you want to.

agnywre writes:

NTA. OP as someone who went through this with my stepparent, if you want/can, do what i did. Tell your mom and stepdad exactly how you feel about him constantly pushing the Parent aspect of StepParent. Something along these lines:

“Hey mom and stepdad. I understand you have been in our lives as a paternal figure for a while and while i do appreciate all you have tried to do for me and have done for my mom, you need to understand that forcing yourself to be my dad is not how you become my dad.

You and mom have both tried to push stepdad onto us as a parent from day one and it’s only pushed us all away. While i do appreciate that you would like to be recognized as my dad one my special day, that’s just what it is. MY special day. Not our day. Not the family’s day.

Mine and my Fiancés. If you can’t respect the role you will have at my wedding then i’m sorry but this may the beginning of the end of our relationship. I hope you understand what that means. Stop trying to force a relationship or there will be no relationship.”

It’s paraphrased of what i told my stepmom 3 years ago. I wish you the best with this situation OP. And i hope it goes well and your wedding is beautifully beautiful in all the ways you want it to be.

agagahw3 writes:

SO NTA! Omg, I am in a simmilar situation! My dad left the family when I was 16 and my brothers 12 and 10. I'm now 25 and I have always said that I want my brothers to do the "fatherly duties" at my wedding since we were always there for eachother and I love them so much while my dad was never around much even before he left.

I never cared if my fiancee gets along with my dad, but I always cared if my brothers like the guy I'm dating. But my dad and dads side of the family (and even mum to an extend) are so butthurt over my decision!

You have even more reason for your decision. You loved your dad and as someone who went thrugh a few step parents, if you don't grow up with them (like, baby grow up) it just won't be the same, especially if you have/had a good relationship with the "original" parent.

Your therapist is absolutely right, an uncle relationship is good and you do not have to force yourself to make it any more than it is. And for your mum and stepdad to try and force you to "replace" your dad sounds really cruel to me, and I'm so sorry you have to deal with that.

Your wedding should be about you, and how you want to celebrate love and you should be able to decide without them making it about themselves!The only thing insulting about this situation is them to you and your brothers.

I've had to learn to tell my family "if you don't like it, you can leave", and I understand that this is something not everyone will be able to do, but if everything else fails, and if they can't put aside their selfish needs for YOUR special day, then you might be better off not engaging with the drama.

Because I have been in a situation where I was then put on the spot and forced to do a first dance with my dad (graduation) even though I explicitly said I didn't want to but suddenly he was standing there and people were watching, and it caused so much resentment that I never wished to feel.

thinkreturn writes:

NTA and your mom is being selfish. She is showing more consideration for a man who wants to be this that and the other while asking her children to deny their genuine feelings and placate this man. Them telling you this discussion is not over is just weird.

This is YOUR wedding not your stepdad's make believe father moment. He wants to be in the spotlight and your mom wants this fantasy of her new husband being the savior of your family and they're trying to do it publicly at your wedding. Hell no.

Your idea to have your brothers take that role in your wedding is beautiful. Please do not change these plans.

I would tell them you have made your decision and if they cannot be gracious happy guests it would be better that they do not attend.

The choice is theirs, come and celebrate your wedding as mature respectful adults or continue to be selfish children demanding to have their moment at your emotional expense and get left the hell out.

Now is the time to set these hard boundaries before they demand your future children call him Grandad.

princispaa writes:

NTA. I’d tell them there is no further discussion, and if they try to push it, there will be no role for either of them. Here are other ideas for giving him a slightly elevated Uncle type role:

In addition to the announced entrance, will there be family pictures? I’d include a picture with only bride, mom and step dad, and maybe even a pic of bride pinning on his boutonnière at the start of the day (assuming those are included for the day).

For special dances: If there’s a bride/groom first dance, sometimes the bridal party is asked to join next, but if you’re willing, it might be a fun idea to have both sets of in-laws join in next, and then the bridal party. I hope you have an amazing day!