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Bride gives family ultimatum: 'come without Eliza or don't come at all.' AITA? 'She is my sister too.'

Bride gives family ultimatum: 'come without Eliza or don't come at all.' AITA? 'She is my sister too.'


"WIBTA if I don't invite my sister or my parents to my wedding and I keep all details from them so they don't bring their adopted sister/daughter?"

This is difficult for me because I really don't know if I'm doing something so totally wrong here and I need some perspective. I (26f) have an older sister Veda (28f). Veda was always the favorite kid of both our parents. They focused more on her when we were growing up and she really couldn't do anything wrong.

They weren't terrible to me when I was a lot younger but I was overlooked a lot. Veda also kinda overlooked me. If she was free and had nobody else she'd play with me but most of the time she focused on other people/things.

Veda had this best friend Eliza (28f) and they were inseparable, for the most part, throughout their childhoods. Eliza was a constant at our house and she was often brought along with our family on family days and stuff because she was seen as a part of our family. But Eliza was horrible to me. She bullied me badly.

On four separate occasions my parents were called to the school because the bullying had escalated. One time Eliza attempted to humiliate me in front of a changing room full of kids by grabbing my pads and screaming about me being gross and bleeding in front of everyone.

I was 12 at the time and she was 14 and was days away from leaving middle school and going to high school. Another time she stole a diary I kept and showed it off to some kids at the high school. So it went around two schools pretty quickly and it was another call to my parents.

My parents and sister still loved Eliza though and a lot of it was explained as Eliza having a hard life. So when I was 13 and she was 15 and my parents formally adopted her, because Eliza's parents were willing to let my parents. It stung, badly, and it made home miserable.

I moved out as fast as I could and never acknowledged Eliza as my sister. My parents and Veda never liked that. They told me I should embrace Eliza and work to move past it without Eliza needing to apologize.

I have been low contact with them for years, but they heard through some people that I was engaged and they were upset I hadn't told them. They told me a wedding invite would have caught them by complete surprise to which I replied they weren't going to be invited.

Needless to say they don't like that. I told them even if I was willing to invite them for appearances, I know they'll bring Eliza and that's not happening. They told me Eliza is my sister too and part of the family and all four should be invited. They told me if I don't invite my family I'm publicly making a fuss and humiliating them out of spite and it would be wrong. WIBTA if I don't invite them?

Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:

000-Hotaru_Tomoe said:

NTA. By condoning Eliza's bullying, your parents bullied you in turn. Having a bad family background does not excuse Eliza for being cruel. They don't deserve an invitation.

Warn people who know about your wedding that disclosing details and information about date/location, etc. to your parents is not welcome, and could lead to a disinvitation. Try to have budget for a bouncer/security, because I don't rule out the possibility that they show up uninvited.

terayonjf said:

NTA they gave the green light and enabled bullying of you. They now still acknowledge everything that happened but say you should get over it. They are all terrible people. Low contact is not enough. There needs to be no contact at all.

It's clear they are going to make a thing out of it so I'm petty enough to get in front of it by making a public post/email laying out that you're not inviting your family to the wedding and the exact reasons why. Put in the post you'd appreciate anyone who is attending to not share details with them and that security will be on standby to remove them if they choose to crash the wedding.

Don't stand down, don't accept a fake apology now because it would 100% be to save face/get an invite and not because they feel an apology is necessary. They had years to be sorry and seek forgiveness and they never did. They still aren't they just want appearances to be kept cause they know how bad they will look. Let them look bad and help shine the light

Apart-Ad-6518 said:

NTA. "They told me if I don't invite my family I'm publicly making a fuss and humiliating them out of spite and it would be wrong." No. The humiliation will be on them for condoning the behavior of a spiteful bully to the extent you choose not to have them as part of your day & memories of it. They can go kick rocks. Congratulations & enjoy your special day.

Mini_Godzilla said:

NTA! It's your wedding and you and future husband are calling the shots! You have no relationship with your adopted sister or your parents. After they took your biggest tormentor into the family and thought it was such a great idea, they can now bear the consequences.

Do not under any circumstances feel obliged to invite your useless parents, the golden child and the a**hole! Please think about security, because I could imagine the whole gang trying to crash the wedding.

C_Majuscula said:

NTA. Time to go completely NC and try to limit information that goes out. Also, you'll probably feel better hiring security or seeing if some of your bridal party is willing to keep them out. They seem the type to try to snake their way in.

No-Comfortable-3918 said:

NTA. Tell your parents that they were not there for you when you needed them. As parents they were supposed to protect and support you. They made no effort to teach the other 'daughters' to treat you with dignity. You do not need them at your wedding since you only want people who are there to support you and your partner.

Everyone was on OP's side for this one. What's your advice for this family wedding drama?

Sources: Reddit
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