Bride 'fires' bridesmaid; 'You claim you have PTSD AND harass my MOH & fiancé?!' AITA? UPDATED 2X

When this bride is upset with one of her bridesmaids, she asks the internet:

"I 'fired' a bridesmaid and now I feel awful + UPDATE. AITA?"

Here we go: One of my oldest friends and I have been drifting apart over the past 3-4 years. She's been a bit...weird to put it nicely.

When my fiancé and I got engaged she texted me and started asking me about what she was wearing as a bridesmaid, etc. The thing is, I hadn't planned on asking her. But, I tend to be too nice, and a bit of a push-over, so I let her join the wedding party. (Yes, I realize that was my initial mess-up.)

So over the past year she has become almost unbearable. She has stopped working and refuses to work at all anymore. She has self-diagnosed herself with: PTSD (allegedly from being "tickled too much" as a child...yeah), autism, and narcolepsy, along with a slew of other things.

The crazy thing is, she doesn't have any of these things. No doctor has confirmed it, and she switched therapists a couple times, trying to find someone who would.

She's been trying to get disability for these alleged ailments, so that she never has to work again. In the mean time, she has been mooching off her friends and family. She gets people to buy her all sorts of frivolous things; books, lingerie, vape supplies, art supplies, a $500 treadmill, the lists goes on.

I've made SO many excuses for her because of our history together. I could probably ignore all that craziness, if she hadn't been causing wedding drama, too.

The dresses I selected for the bridesmaids cost $30. Not $130. $30. I understand that she doesn't have money due to being unemployed, but that's her choice. She has had 2 years to save for this dress.

I've been gently reminding her to buy her dress over the past couple months, since our wedding is coming up soon, but she's never got money.

Honestly, I feel like if she can get someone to buy her a $500 treadmill and other expensive things she should be able to find a way to get a $30 dress.

Not to mention she owns her own house, lots of name-brand clothes, electronics, and a NEW MERCEDES.

She keeps dropping hints to the rest of the wedding party, hoping someone will pay for her. She's making everyone uncomfortable and angry.

And on top of that, she's been messaging my MOH (who's planning my Bachelorette party) and bossing her around, telling her what is and isn't allowed at the party, etc. It's not her party....

So yesterday, I had finally had enough. I told her, as politely as I possibly could, that she was demoted. I tried to take most of the blame, and told her it was based on my own anxieties, and the fact that I felt guilty about adding to her stress and financial burden.

Suddenly, she could MAGICALLY pay for everything and wanted to buy her dress. I told her I was sorry, but I'd made my decision and left it at that. She's been bombarding me with texts and calls ever since, guilt tripping me and gaslighting me relentlessly.

My fiancé, the rest of the wedding party, and my family all encouraged me and thought I made the right choice. If everyone agrees that it was the right thing, then why do I feel so awful? I don't want to let her back in, but I feel terrible... as outside observers, what do you guys think? AITA?

Before we give you OP's update, let's take a look at some of the top responses:

doodlebug7 writes:

This person is, by your own admission, trying to scam her way into disability benefits. She's manipulating others to buy her things. She was trying to manipulate you and your bridal party.

Now that she's essentially been called out, she's suddenly eager to pay? Nah. Doesn't calculate. She pushed her way into your wedding party, overplayed her hand, and is now panicking.

Someone like this may be prone to causing a scene on your wedding day, or at the very least, being obnoxious and taking away from the day.

I would advise you tell her in no uncertain terms that she's welcome as a guest (or not), but will not be a bridesmaid, and then stop responding. Your MOH should stop interacting with her as well.

I hope you have an amazing wedding! :)

drflau writes:

I applaud you for finally having enough and dropping her. You've been drifting apart for years and she invited herself into the wedding party.

You no longer wanted to make the remaining wedding party suffer and you made the right call.

Her playing money chicken with you and your friends is a garbage move over $30, you absolutely did the right thing. Forgive yourself for letting it get to this point and move on.

scammerc writes:

You feel guilty because that's her superpower. It's how she gets people to pay for things for her. At the risk of coming off badly, I'd say she is mentally ill, but at a sociopathic level.

You did the right thing, and as time goes on and the pressure comes off, you'll realize that you dodged a bullet. Both for yourself, and your bridal party.

And I'm going to bet, as a person who is planning on being a professional mooch, she'll "forgive you" in time, and you can happily rejoin her stable of soft-touches.

And now, OP's update:

She's now harassing my MOH, asking for the link to buy the dress, demanding to know if she's been replaced, etc. She has officially message my fiance.

So, I don't feel that guilty any more (everyone's kind comment helped SO much) I'm mostly just angry!

She has been texting not only me, but my MOH, relentlessly for the past 48 hours. Neither of us has been rude. We've been sugar coating literally everything because we don't want to be mean.

At one point we ignored her, but she just kept messaging. Finally we both caved and responded. My MOH politely told she didn't want to be caught up in all this, and backed me up 100%.

She's made all this 100% about her. She doesn't care about me AT ALL, or that fact this is MY wedding. Her messages have been hysterical ramblings about how she's heartbroken because she's never been a bridesmaid before.

She's BEGGED for the link to the dress (which she can suddenly afford, along with every other thing; dinners, gas, etc. Which should couldn't afford before). She accused me of punishing her of for "being poor."

I tried to explain to her that not knowing if I could count on her was stressing me out, she acted like my stress and my anxiety meant nothing.

Even though I'm angry, I feel like I still can't tell her EVERY reason she's been "fired." How can you say, "Your mooching, and scamming is making you unbearable?" She's obviously got some metal problems, and I won't want to be the person to push her over the edge.

The longer this continues, though, the more angry she makes me. She's also started messaging my fiancé, on top of my MOH. It honestly makes me really mad that she's made them more uncomfortable when it's not their fight. I tried to tell her that it was MY decision, not theirs, but she won't stop.

She's literally making me out to be a terrible person, but honestly I've been as nice as I possibly can. (Like I said, how can you tell someone that they're terrible?!) I thought that focusing on her inability to pay was the kinder option...

but I feel like it's just made it easier for her to turn it around and make me seem like a jerk and to guilt-trip me. I sent her what I considered to be a final message, hoping to reiterate--gently, but firmly-- that my choice was final.

Well, that final message must have really pissed her off, because she blocked both me and my MOH on Facebook (like we were the ones bombarding her with messages?). Truthfully, I was a little relieved that I didn't have to do it to her.

Turns out she's been publicly talking sh*t about me on Facebook. I know that's nothing I can control, and I don't really care what her friends think of me, but it just makes me mad that I...

did my best to be kind in this sh*tty situation, and it has somehow made it even easier for her to make me seem evil. Why have I felt guilty and bothered being nice when she's being so awful and petty???

To my own amazement, I kind of want to message her something a little bit mean. She's out there spewing awful stuff about me, so why should I protect her feelings anymore??

I'm overly-nice and it's so out of character for me, but I kind of what to tell her that it's really sh*tty to take advantage of everyone you know, and to pretend to have autism, narcolepsy, PTSD, and agoraphobia. Because it is. People struggle with that stuff and to her it's just a ploy to get attention and money.

She's a terrible (ex) bridesmaid, a terrible friend, and frankly, a terrible person.

As freeing as it would feel to get it off my chest, I don't really want MORE drama, nor do I want her to have proof to back up her allegations. Even a single angry message would give her the "proof" that she needed, and would be immensely satisfying to her.

I've seen her post screen shots of fights she had in the past (most memorably, she got into a fight with her aunt at her grandfather's funeral and they continued to fight afterwards via text.

She blocked her aunt and posted the entire conversation on Facebook. Her aunt was SUPER angry in the messages. While her aunt's anger was 100% valid, it did give this girl "back-up" or "proof" so to speak.)

The fact that she hasn't posted a single screenshot is SUPER telling that not even she thinks she has ground to stand on in this situation. She can SAY anything she wants, but screenshots are proof, good or bad.

I ultimately just don't want her to have "proof" for her woe-is-me version of events. Not responding probably IS most detrimental to her at this point.

I blocked her on all other social media and currently have no further intentions of allowing her in my life.

We have an ex-Marine and lots of short, angry guests. LOL In all seriousness, though, security probably wouldn't be a bad idea at this point. I don't think she knows the exact location, so that helps, and none of my actual friends are going to put up with her being there.

They all think I've been too soft with her, but they're not afraid to say something themselves if she does show. I've had MANY friends offer to escort her out. Everyone is so relieved that she isn't coming now.

Readers continued to weigh in on OP's update:

blagh6 writes:

Exactly. It's not like we all just face one single awkward situation in life. She'll be tougher next time around.

People who struggle with being "too nice" - and I know exactly what she means - are operating under they mistaken belief that they are responsible for other people's feelings. It's not kind, it's fundamentally very codependent and it's a fucking hard way to live.

You are constantly anxious about what to do when other people feel bad, while not realizing that those people aren't doing a thing to try and make you feel good. (Spoiler: we are all responsible for our own happiness, and coping with our own difficult emotions.)

Obviously good manners and basic decency requires that we don't go out of our way to make people feel bad - that behavior is indeed mean - but we are not required to protect people from having "bad" or uncomfortable feelings when they have themselves behaved badly. That is the natural consequence of making poor choices.

When you bend over backwards to ensure people who are acting shitty feel awesome about their shitty selves, they are gonna hang onto you as Awesome Feels Insurance®, and it's gonna be your never ending job.

See why that sucks and is not actually nice? It's like you're being a Shitty Behavior dealer to everyone else, because you're facilitating this person.

I know wherefore I speak, I was married for a very long time to a disordered man with heavy Narc leanings, and I played Shitty Behavior cover-up clown for so much longer than I should have. It was fg awful every day, and I'm sure all he remembers is how "mean" I was to stop.

Because when you do stop, they are gonna flip tables, hoping to pull you back in line by Worse Behavior.

It's up to you to decide what you want the rest of your life to look like, in responding to that escalation. Sounds like this OOP bride chose well. And she'll sniff out this particular disordered behavior a lot sooner next time.

fathwer89 writes:

I feel for OOP. I had a similar situation with my childhood best friend. We grew apart over the years, became different people, but we were still friends. Then she started making decisions I couldn't agree with, but hey, not my life and not my consequences.

Then she started planning hangouts with the rest of our friends without me - like, one day I organized a plan and she organized a whole separate group chat to push back the time and no one told me. Classy.

There were a LOT of other issues there. Initially I tried to end the friendship in the most polite, text message way possible, because I knew she would be screenshotting and talking shit behind my back. I didn't want to lose the respect of our mutual friends.

The thing is, it didn't matter. My dad ended up dying, and I broke down and we were friends again for a while, and she kept treating me like shit. I finally blew up when drunk.

I'm sure there are screenshots circulating, but of course none of the part where she said "you used your dad's death as an excuse not to hang out with us" (during pandemic, while I was grieving, working a full time job, and she was still making plans without me).

For a while I felt regret, and sometimes I still do. What if I had dealt with the situation differently? Would I have kept all of our mutual friends?

The thing is, our mutual friends know who she is as a person. If they want to trust her while she shit talks me, and not even touch base with me to ask for my side of the story, then they are not my friends. I really hope that OOP has a better support system now.