'AITA for telling my fiancé's best friend that she couldn't walk him down the aisle?' UPDATED
"AITA for telling my fiancé's best friend that she couldn't walk him down the aisle?"
I (25F) am getting married to my fiancé, Matt (27M), in August. We've decided we want a non-traditional wedding that disregards stereotypical gender roles so my younger brother (16M) can be my man of honor.
Matt was onboard with this idea and wanted his best friend, Jenna (27F), to be his best maid. He and Jenna have been friends since middle school. When his mom passed away back in high school, Jenna and her family were a huge support system for him. Now they're like family to him.
I never really got along with Jenna. Since she's so close with Matt, I've tried to connect with her, but I always got the feeling she has a crush on him. Matt shares this sentiment.
I tried to hangout with her, but she always ended up making passive-aggressive digs at my appearance and the way I behave. I've tried talking to her about how that upsets me, but she told me she thought "that's how girl friends play around with eachother."
I've talked to Matt about it, and he went and confronted her for me. Afterwards, we agreed it would be best if I didn't hangout with her anymore. That was years ago, but now she's back and making requests for the wedding that make me uncomfortable. For example, she tried to convince me to change the colors to better suit her skintone.
I would like to pat my own back here and say I've been super chill about all of this, and Matt's been a peach intervening for me. But her most recent idea was to walk Matt down the aisle, since I already didn't want to be walked down the aisle, it would be a perfect gender role reversal.
Matt thought this was a pretty fun idea. The way his face lit up probably would have convinced me to go along with it if she didn't word it in such a creepy way. She said, since Matt's mother is no longer here, she should be the one to "give him away."
To clarify, I chose not to be walked down the aisle because I find the whole "giving away" thing to be a little gross and outdated. I suggested that Matt and I walk down the aisle together. And she told me that Matt's mother actually knew her, and would approve of her filing in that place instead of me.
I grabbed Matt's arm and led him away for a private conversation. I was explaining how that crossed the lines of what I was comfortable with considering her crush on him and she barged in the room hurling accusations at me. She called me jealous, controlling, petty, and manipulative.
I admit I snapped and told her she's not walking him and that's final and if she kept pushing me she would be uninvited. She ended up running out of the room in tears. Matt told me I could have handled that better and I can't go making those kind of decisions without his input, even if they are just empty threats. I feel like he's right and I do feel bad about what I said, but I honestly think she deserved the wake-up slap. AITA?
Later, OP edited the post to include:
Matt's getting the short-end of the stick in a lot of the comments. I can see now that some of his behavior was problematic and he can see it too! But, in his defense, he's been the one shutting down all of Jenna's ideas and taking all of the blame for it so she doesn't stress me out any further.
He's been, and always has been, my buffer to her. There's no attraction on his behalf and absolutely no previous romantic entanglement. He honestly has only ever seen her as a little sister to him, and that's how I see her too, I guess that's why we tolerated her behavior up until this point.
Jenna lives in another state, so he doesn't hang out with her often. When she comes to visit, I usually just go out for a day with my friends instead of enduring her. When I said "we decided" I meant I decided and Matt supported my decision. He did not decide that for me!
Additionally, Matt didn't run after her when she left and he didn't yell at me! We were in the middle of discussing plans for the wedding, calmly, when she came in uninvited. After she left, he stayed with me and we continued discussing her behavior and potentially removing some of her roles from the wedding.
He agreed with me that she was overstepping her lines and it would be better if we walked down the aisle together. He was really only into the idea of her walking him down the aisle because he thought it would be fun to be the one led to the altar.
And for everyone saying "I deserve it" for not having a traditional wedding...what??? The wedding is still pretty traditional, we just didn't want gender to designate the roles of our loved ones on this special day. I want my younger brother by my side, and that's it.
Matt and I are talking and reading through your comments! Thank you all so much! I'll post an update in a couple of days about the situation, but Matt wanted to thank y'all specifically for opening his eyes to the situation. A lot of the comments were harsh, but he firmly believes that these things needed to be said to show him how he's behaved and the person he doesn't want to be to me.
Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:
iknowsomethings2 said:
NTA. Why is your fiancé allowing his friend to treat you like this? Especially since he knows about the crush, it’s so disrespectful her behaviour. Ask him if you had a male best friend and he did all of what she has done, how would he feel?
I personally wouldn’t want to spend the rest of my life competing with my fiancé / potential husband’s best friend. If he doesn’t respect your boundaries, I would say this is a dealbreaker.
She barged in on your private conversation, throwing accusations and she is STILL invited to the wedding? BFFR
Soggy-Ad6006 said:
Nta. There is no need to cater to a best friend when it’s your wedding. She obviously has a chip on her shoulder and she needs to wake up. Matt is yours and she is doing all she can hold onto some sense that she has a place in his heart.
She has no regard for how her actions with later affect this life long memory between you too. Even if Matt is intervening for you, that doesn’t seem to be enough. I don’t always believe in ultimatums but someone needs to outright tell her what’s up.
IllustratorSlow1614 said:
NTA. Matt is an AH for keeping Jenna around knowing she has a crush on him and has been horrible to you for years. He’s getting something out of being wanted by her and getting something out having you and her fighting over him. It’s immature and I would seriously rethink marrying him.
Jenna is an AH for obvious reasons, but Matt has been leading her on by being aware of her crush and not shutting it down. Giving her a major role in his wedding is not putting her in her place - people who don’t support the marriage don’t belong in the wedding party.
Beneficial_Test_5917 said:
Following your (well founded) logic about "giving away," your fiance is not Jenna's property to give to you. NTA.
GreenTeaShaman said:
NTA. People can't make requests for someone else's wedding, then get angry when they don't take them up on it. People can make suggestions, and that's it. Her behaviour at you saying no tells you all it should. She's lucky she's involved at all. It's not her wedding, she doesn't get to make demands. End of.