Bride hires aunt to plan wedding, 'It was a HUGE MISTAKE. She RUINED everything.' UPDATED
When this woman feels fully betrayed her wedding planner (her aunt), she asks the internet:
"I got married and my wedding was a disaster. Where do I go from here? "
I [30 F] feel like I need closure. A week ago last Saturday, my husband [32 M] and I got married.
So, about 4 months prior, I planned to hire my aunt [45 F] who works in Events to plan for my wedding which she instantly turned down and got mad at me for - she claimed that it wasn't right that I paid for her services for the simple fact that we were family and that family didn't pay each other for such things.
She was my godmother and my mom's close cousin, so naturally I felt like I could trust her. At first I hesitated because I really wanted to pay her for her time and effort, but eventually I accepted and told her how grateful I was. My husband and I were on a tight budget, so we were happy about her offer.
The planning started out fine at first. But then things turned sour. We went out on an ocular for the venue and had an initial meeting on the program flow for an intimate wedding setup.
Around the 2nd month of planning, she brought up that on one of those weeks we should go out to this famous place here in our country to buy flowers for cheap and look at our options there.
(at this point, I didn't know what that was for, but apparently it was just for decor) I didn't know a thing about events planning, but was curious to know what the venue essentials were so I asked her what we should do about those.
She told me that we wouldn't be able to know that yet until we do the layout and stuff, so I just nodded my head and let her do her thing.
She said she'd visit again the week after the next so we could talk about it more, but she didn't come. Around this time she got hired on her new job so out of courtesy and shyness, so I decided not to disturb her and waited for her to contact me so we can resume my wedding planning.
When I still didn't hear from her for about a week after that, I asked her what's up and when she was gonna be available next. Turns out she was waiting for me to call her all this time and said that we didn't arrange any meetings after her last visit.
At first I was surprised, cuz I know we did set up an appointment but I thought that maybe she just forgot and told her I was ready for the next one.
She suggested another ocular to the same venue so she can start on the venue layout so we went, and then finally discussed what my tasks were to help with the planning.
All she gave me was to look for a table setting stylist and collect pictures of me and my now-husband "for decor", while her tasks were to look for suppliers on venue essentials. I was able to do my share of the tasks pretty fast, so I asked her what's next but she started disappearing on me again after our 2nd ocular.
The 3rd month was fast approaching and it was now the peak season for weddings.
At this point in time, I started getting really anxious because we still haven't locked down the basics and we only had a month left before the actual wedding (I started reading on DIY weddings around the time she became MIA).
I kind of got fed up on waiting for things to move, so I eventually hired a venue stylist and some essential services (sound system, catering and rentals) which I remembered we would need.
I even compiled some spreadsheets and contact lists for her since she said she would be in charge of contacting them OTD. All she needed to do was look at them for review and do the actual planning.
I asked her once more if she was still up to the task, to which she said that she still was and that we needed to do a 3rd ocular with the stylist so they can discuss the venue layout.
I just didn't bother questioning the repeated oculars anymore so I just went with it and intervened whenever it was necessary (I was the only one who knew which services I hired).
After that 3rd ocular, she said that she was going to handle everything from here on out, and that she'll contact them all for proper management. Though, she also mentioned that I failed to secure a host for the event.
I didn't know we needed one, but said "ok what do we do about it" to which she said she'll help look for one instead. She did end up finding a host, but she never included me into the meetings so I never knew what happened to that until the last week before my wedding.
At this point, I was so stressed out because she kept on disappearing on me at very random times and she would end up rescheduling or never attend our online meetings.
(Edit: this screwed up my personal work and schedule for a lot of things and I almost got in trouble once because of it) I ended up handling all of the coordinating with the venue and suppliers, made the OTD schedule and stuff up until the very last week.
And about the host, turns out that she never did meet with the host to discuss the program so the host was wondering what in the world he was going to do on my wedding day. I wouldn't have found this out if I didn't stalk him on Facebook just so I could invite him for a call.
That last week was pure and utter hell. Not to mention the past 2 months where I had to learn everything from scratch, and answer all of my suppliers questions and demands.
I kept giving them my aunt's number (with her consent) as she's formally my coordinator and planner, but they all confirmed she never reached out to them nor did she answer their questions so up until the day before my wedding, I was still the one they kept calling for info.
I was very tired already since I also had my own schedule to follow (I was baking my souvenirs), and my husband and mother too, who was very kind to help during the last week. I only got about 4 hrs of sleep the night before our wedding and I wanted so bad to just run away from it all.
On the wedding day itself, I was just completely dead. I don't remember half of what happened as I wasn't able to concentrate much past the giving of vows, thought I do remember bits and pieces of the party. I tried my best to enjoy it, but the fatigue from all the prep and stuff was what stood out even up until this day.
It was an intimate wedding so it was all just close friends and family. They all said it was a nice wedding, but I couldn't help but be so overcritical about it all. I wasn't allowed to coordinate on the day for obvious reasons so I wasn't able to control during their setup.
But all my mind could focus on during the reception were things like...
Why weren't the place cards put on the tables, why were the tablecloths dirty/not ironed, why are my special guests missing their corsages and boutonnieres, why are my guests using tissues when I specifically got table napkins for the table setting... other small basic things missing, I was internally panicking and trying to hold myself together.
And during the wedding, my aunt who was supposed to be my planner, was pretending as if nothing ever happened.
I'm breaking down as I'm writing all of this. I'm so sorry if my story sounds fragmented. It's already been a week since my wedding but I feel as if I couldn't recover from being overworked and betrayed. My aunt hasn't even reached out to me despite knowing how upset I am. I don't know how to move forward.
My wish for a dream wedding ended up just being a wish for a functional one. I'm so unhappy. Unhappy is an understatement, I'm actually depressed about it and I'm getting panic attacks over what happened, though delayed. What should I do?
Before we give you OP's update, let's take a look at some of the top responses:
echoowls writes:
You need to stop thinking about it for a few months and you will forget the little things like the tablecloths so you can focus on the big thing of the fact you got married to your best friend.
Wedding planning is stressful - I did a lot myself because I like control and know what I wanted but this meant I was prepared for the huge effort it was going to take.
It’s a lot harder when you are relying on someone else who is continually showing you they aren’t reliable. And then finding out but by bit what a huge task it is, especially in just 4 months!
The problem with hiring friends/family is that you aren’t paying them, you almost never have a contract in place and therefore you won’t be the biggest priority on their plate as other clients do and can follow up properly if something isn’t delivered as agreed.
Unfortunately you got shown this the hardest way and I’m really sorry you feel like it ruined your day but honestly no one else will remember the details and if you had alcohol and a party, they’ve probably already forgotten and just remember the general vibe and that it was a fun day.
apphipp writes:
Oh, man, I'm so sorry that someone you trusted and had faith in let you down so, so badly for what was supposed to be a wonderful event that you and your husband would look back on happily. I got a bit stressed, myself, just reading your post.
Not that it will negate or otherwise cancel that experience (because, well, it happened, and you don't have a time machine and 20/20 hindsight, unfortunately), but I hope that you and your husband are able at some point to go to a location that you both love, have a stress-free time, and say whatever you like to each other about how much your marriage means without all the stress.
Not an attempt at a cancelation of the wedding event, but maybe a redirection of the focus towards all of the good stuff, which is basically you and him. You both deserve some happiness focused on your vows to each other.
minion53 writes:
I got married in a courthouse. Didn't cost a dime. Been married 18 years and going strong. For me the whole idea of spending $25-35k on a wedding was simply stupid and a huge waste of money and time.
It's hugely stressful, no one appreciates it, it costs a bundle and half the time, it ends in divorce. No one really looks at the wedding pictures except the bride adn groom, and perhaps a few others, but after that, they just collect dust.
It's a big, expensive party that serves no purpose. It doesn't make your marriage better or last longer.
To me, it's completely not worth it. $25-35k can buy a lot of stuff, but a one day party should never be on the list just because some woman always had a dream wedding in her mind. Many think it's a right. I'm not knocking any of you who do this, many can afford it and it's no sweat.
But many others go into debt for these one day events that no one really cares about anyways. I'm sorry your wedding went so poorly, but it's not uncommon. There are a lot of horror wedding stories and a lot of Bridezilla's to go with it.
belanddir writes:
I'm sorry to hear how much this went wrong. While my wife and I never faced anything remotely on this level in our wedding, a ton went wrong for us, too; our ultimate conclusion was that we were simply going to actively focus on the fact that we left the ceremony as husband and wife.
You said in one of your other comments you haven't talked with your husband about it yet - I cannot emphasize enough how important communication is in marriage.
You are not burdening him, especially since you're helping him already with his own struggles, if you work together then you are lifting each other up, and I guarantee that he will want you to overcome your struggles as well.
I'm sorry all this has happened, but I'm still thrilled that you two have each other, and I hope you build a wonderful and happy joint life from all this
Then, OP provides this update (with some more info about her family):
To be honest I wasn't expecting anyone to read or respond due to how long my message was but I'm somewhat happy that I ended up posting it.
I don't want my husband to know how much I'm still affected by this because he's also going through a tough time right now and I'm trying to help him with that too. Though right now I don't know who to rely on for my own. I'm sure he wouldn't mind if I rely on him, but I don't want to burden him even further.
Things would've been fine if I was "awake" enough that day to enjoy the wedding. I literally felt like I was on autopilot and might have dissociated a bit due to how tired I was.
I wouldn't say I'm still in rage mode - I'm way past that. If anything, I just feel depressed that someone I really loved and trusted wasn't what I thought they were.
A little background: I came from an asian family where the value of hospitality is a major factor in our lives, if my grandmother was there to see that I would've been reprimanded for it.
My mother was also disappointed by the preparations and if we just had enough time we would've at least avoided those small problems. Not to mention the boutonnieres and corsages were sought after by those who were supposed to recieve them. Some even went to me and asked why they didn't get any.
I didn't know what to say to that, so I just apologized for the oversight and gave them away to those who stayed after the reception.
(Only the maid of honor and the best man got theirs, the sponsors and our immediate families didn't) and the table linens were dirty, if I had a pic of those to show you'll understand why I felt like that.
My stylist went up to me to ask who the supplier was cuz she wanted to complain about it while she was setting up the day before. After the reception I stayed to help pack up during egress because my aunt didn't want to deal with that. (The provider of the linens was angry about the complaint and demanded I send it back immediately before the day ended)
Also, I don't know how to explain it well, but what was going through my mind at that time was somewhere along the lines of "Even if we didn't fix the big ones, at least handle the small ones for everyone's comfort."
There's a lot to unpack outside of the wedding, but I'll leave that judgment to you. Thanks for the luck. I just hope that maybe through time I'll learn to accept what happened.
My husband and I have been living together for 7 years now and the wedding was just a formality at this point. To be honest, we didn't even want a reception. However that was a mutual decision between the both of us as we wanted to celebrate it happily with the people we love.
My aunt was one of those people. We wanted a day to remember because we usually weren't the type to be on the spotlight. That day was an exception and we were hyped for it.
My husband is, in fact, not happy about this either. We spent more than the budget because of her no-show and we fought so many times because I was working alone the whole time.
Please don't tell me to just simply move on from the wedding drama as if it were nothing.