'My husband's friend made me uncomfortable at our wedding.' UPDATED 4X

"My husband's friend made me uncomfortable at our wedding."

Last weekend, my husband (27M) and I (30F) got married. It was a great wedding, and I had a great time leading up to it. There's been only one thing that's left a sour taste in my mouth.

Growing up, I always wanted a big princess wedding. I know some people see those as tacky and immature, but it was always my dream. As part of this, the theme for our wedding was "ballroom," and I told everyone to wear the nicest things they owned and told the women in particular to try to "outshine" me.

I even went as far as telling the married women to wear their wedding dresses. I didn't care about being outdressed. Instead, all I wanted was to fulfill the aesthetic in my head that I had for the wedding, which included everyone else looking nothing less than extravagant.

(And no, before people ask, I don't regret my decision. It was really special to see my mom, aunts, and bridesmaids, all in their own dresses on my big day. It kind of felt like they were passing the torch onto me and I really enjoyed the experience.)

Now on to my husband's friend. My husband has this friend I'll call "Kate" (27F). Kate is my husband's childhood friend and first love. My husband comes from a small town, and the majority of his friends he's known since adolescence.

In their senior year of high school, Kate and my husband got engaged (which is kinda normal where they're from) but called off the wedding and never went through with it. It was mutual. They felt they were growing up too fast and wanted to slow down.

The calling off the wedding was the end of the relationship, but they stayed friends. I knew this information prior to getting with my husband and never had a problem or felt jealous because I'm friends with a few exes myself. In fact, two of them were invited to our wedding. One was my bridesmaid (I'm bise%ual) and the other was invited as a guest along with his current g irlfriend.

I've never had a problem with Kate being my husband's ex but I have had a problem with Kate as a person as she's kind of bitchy and gossips like she's still in highschool.

A few examples of this are just a month into our relationship she confessed to my husband she still had some lingering feelings to which he responded they had already tried that and it didn't work, if she brought it up again he would to cut her off out of respect for me.

I wasn't that mad at the time, because I understood they had a long history and my relationship with him was just starting out, and she owed it to herself to see if there was anything still there before it was too late.

However after she was turned down her attitude towards me changed to fake nice and started calling me things like cougar, or asking me how I expected to make a relationship work as

I want to be an anesthesiologist which would require long hours, or telling my husband's whole friend group how she doesn't like my "loud" personality, and when I confronted her about all of those things she would say "oh it was just a joke" or "you're so loud I felt like you would just go off".

There's more shit but if I typed it all, I would never get to the point. Kate has her own husband I'll call Jarold. Kate and Jarold both make average in terms of finances as they are both teachers. Kate kindergarten and Jarold seniors. They got married last year.

On a teachers salary Kate wasn't able to afford the most luxurious wedding dress out there, but I always had the impression she was happy with it.

Kate does have another wedding dress from when she was going to marry my husband that her dad payed for (who has unfortunately passed now) which in terms of fanciness is a bit nicer, but obviously she didn't wear that dress to her own wedding.

I was expecting Kate to wear the wedding dress she wore to her own wedding to our wedding. But when I looked and saw her she had the wedding dress she was supposed to wear when she was getting married to my husband.

When I saw her I immediately went "wtf" but decided to just drop it because I didn't want a conflict on our wedding day. My husband, however, was also confused on why she wore that one and asked her about it without me even having to tell him I was uncomfortable.

She responded "well your wife wanted such a big princess wedding I thought I'd wear this one because it follows the theme more, don't tell me she's upset about it, she's the one who said come in you're nicest clothes and this is my nicest dress"

I feel like I'm not allowed to be upset even though I am, and I know this is my fault, but the whole thing has really left a bad taste in my mouth. I would've never been okay with her wearing that one if I'd known she was going to, and I feel like she should've asked.

I keep telling myself it's not that big of a deal, and during the daytime, when I'm distracted, I don't even think about it. But I've always been a night owl, and it makes me shitty every time I think about it before I fall asleep.

Before we give you OP's updates, let's take a look at some top responses:

agahy writes:

Perfectly summed up. OP is perfectly justified in feeling upset and bothered by this blatant disrespectful behaviour.

Kate planned to do this to make a point. I think it failed, but your husband needs to talk to her about how disrespectful and ignorant her actions were to wear the dress she was going to wear at their wedding. She found a loophole and took advantage as a dig to you OP.

I would talk to your H, tell him how you feel and ask him about his feelings. She might not have outshone you per say, but this was a private/subtle dig at you because you married the man she’s been pining for.

Then H has to confront her and tell her how you both feel (united front), how ignorant and disrespectful her actions were to you guys, and her poor husband! He needs to tell her you and him need space from her, and when you guys are ready, she should have a sincere apology on the ready to H and OP especially.

I’m stunned at the audacity. You said wear your wedding dresses that you got married in, single ladies the nicest dresses they have.

feeet7 writes:

Wow, that is amazing. She found exactly the weak spot to stick the knife in and give it a good twist. She saved the wedding dress all those years just so she could bring it out at the perfect moment. True artistry there.

I’m not good at relationships do I might be really misinterpreting things. I really think anybody who reads your post has got to come to the conclusion that she was purposefully malicious and had been purposefully malicious for a long time.

Of course you are not at fault for not telling her not to wear that dress. She did it on purpose. If you truly don’t trust your own instincts (hey, I myself have rotten instincts) then maybe you could check with your husb—-oh look, your husband too had an instinctive knee-jerk reaction of “shock

Or maybe you could try writing out your past history with her in chronological form to see whether malice or mistake seems like the more likely driver of her actions… and, oh look, here is your last history with her conveniently assembled in this very post, and just dripping with malice.

You’re not wrong when you say “it’s my fault”. But it’s not your wedding idea that was at fault: it was a lovely idea which came off splendidly and you were rightly delighted with it.

You are not at fault for making a big deal of somebody being deliberately malicious to you. Should you have taken the high road and ignored it? Well, basically that’s what you had been doing for sone time, which allowed the little spite artist the chance to keep on varying her attacks until she finally found one that hit home.

No, your fault is that you were generous and let someone with a history of malice towards you come to your wedding and gave her an opportunity to hurt you, because you wanted your husband to have all his friends with him on his important day. There are really worse faults to have.

The problem is, what are you going to do in the future? She has escalated her attacks on you.

There is no reason to think she won’t continue to do so, dripping poison in everyone’s ears, refining the attacks until she chances upon the one that works. You know, the o e where the entire friendship group turns on you. The one where you husband doubts you.

The event at the wedding is a gift to you. It shows absolutely that your policy to just be polite until she runs out of steam is not correct. Now you know. You have to take action. Have you never read Othello???

puzzhea5 writes:

his ex fiancé never should have been invited, your exes never should have been invited, and you did kind of ask for this.

A lot of people focus more on planning their wedding, than planning their marriage, I really hope that isn’t the case with you. But this story is an extremely minor issue, and if is feels like a big issue, it’s one you walked into.

I’m probably going to get downvoted into oblivion on this, but weddings are really kind of silly. They’re all meant to make the bride feel good.

The family, friends and guests are all expected to pay money, the groom can’t wait til it’s over, the staff is usually all smoking a blunt before work and can’t wait to go home. And usually, there’s a few haters there who are low key preying on your downfall.

Focusing on your marriage, and not the wedding, is something I think we really need to get back to. They used to be held in barns with people wearing everyday clothing. You jumped over a broom, the priest read the vows, and it was done. All of these white dresses were reserved for ONLY royalty.

Update 1:

Most of the stuff she did was at the beginning of our relationship (we've been together 5 years), which did leave to my husband having a talk with her about not being friends anymore.

She said she was sorry she offended me and didn't realize I didn't have "their" (referring to his friend group) sense of humor. He said that maybe the things she says just aren't funny.

And once she said that, it only reinforced his decision to cut her off because he said, "Even now you can't just say sorry." It's always I'm sorry, but..." which shows you aren't sincere. It was really awkward because she was friends with all his friends and we still saw her around but he would just hold my hand and ignore her.

That lasted about a year until she got with "jarold" and she finally gave a sincere (or atleast what I thought was sincere) apology and said that she realized after getting with jarold who "is the love of her life" how upset she would've been if our roles were reversed and asked for another chance of us all being friends.

Despite my better judgement, I agreed, and while the comments aren't so directly rude anymore, sometimes her tone towards me sounds like she thinks I'm dumb or I feel like there's a double meaning to her words.

Ive noticed shes kind of a b&ch to all their friends tho and they've just accepted it as a part of her personality. I've been feeling like I'm going crazy for a while because she hasn't said anything directly rude, but after reading these comments, I'm going to have a conversation with my husband about it tomorrow.

Update 2:

I did ask her that when I saw it the first time. She said she kept it because it was the last really nice thing her dad bought her before he passed. She was 19 when he died. I've answered this twice in other comments.

But basically I saw the highschool one in her closet once, we were invited to her wedding last year and I remember what her dress looked like not to mention we took a shit ton of photos, and three when my husband confronted her even if I hadn't realized it on my own I would realized it then.

Update 3:

Hello guys, here's the update. So I talked to my husband about it this morning, and when I brought it up, he immediately let out a sigh of relief. He said, "I didn't know how to bring it up because you didn't seem bothered, but when I saw her in that dress, I thought it was very weird she wore that one."

He went on to say that he even considered asking her to leave because he thought it was rude but because I had no reaction to the dress he thought I either didn't care or didn't recognize it but either way if I wasn't bothered he didn't want to disturb my peace of mind by kicking her out.

We discussed and he's going to have a talk with her, not just about the dress, but her treatment of me in general and explain that going forward she will not be a friend in our lives.

After this talk, I've decided to let it go and focus on my new marriage. This was a small thing, and now, after I've talked it out with my husband, I feel kind of silly I let it bother me this much. Im at peace she will no longer be in our lives and that's enough for me.

Someone said you gave her the chance to wear the dress her dad got her and gave her a gift. That was kind of a "huh" moment for me because no matter what her intentions were, that is true, and I'm glad she got to have that moment.

End of update the rest of this is just answering questions and explaining what the wedding looked like.

A common asked question is how did we even know what the dress looked like. I said it a few times in comments, but I've seen it a couple of times before in her closet.

Usually, when my husband's friend group hangs out, the guys all get ready at one of their places, and the girls get ready at one of our places. Then we all meet up to wherever we're going, whether that's a pub crawl, or a concert, or music festival, etc. Kate hosts pretty regularly, and It's during those times I've seen it in her closet while she looks for something to wear.

And when she got married to Jarold she put her other wedding dress right next to the high school one. As for my husband, I asked him about that today, and he said when they broke up, Kate asked if he wanted to see the dress since there was no point in hiding it anymore and he said yes. And then when they told their friends the news the friends also wanted to see the dress so she put it on for them too.

On to pictures, I'm not going to post any, but I will explain how it looked for those of you who wanted to know.

So firstly lots of people showed up in wedding dresses and that was absolutely beautiful. One thing my friends from college did was do a fifties Marilyn Monroe type glam, and it was killer. One of the staff was able to find a red carpet and we took a bunch of black and white photos of them. I had about five girls wear their Quince dresses, which was GORGEOUS .

Finally, some parents dressed their little girls up in actual princess costumes, which I thought was really cute. The guys also dressed really well too. One guy did a sequin tux. Quite a few went for a Rockstar type suit.

My husband's best man went for this really gorgeous red velvet tux. And my dress was this really shimmery really poofy ballgown type dress with a flower design on the veil that I got custom made for me and then I had it designed where I could actually unattach the poofy part of the dress (for the reception) and then by doing that it turned into this long sleek white shimmery dress with a leg slit.

Update 4:

The one she wore was a champagne colered lacy (not necessarily se$y or anything but it had it a lot of lace) V neck dress with a collar??? (I'm not really sure how to explain it) with a track that had roses stitched into the design that were champagne colored like her dress. I don't know if I did a good job explaining, but it's very pretty in person.