Bride is ditched by the groom on her 'wedding night,' 'I went to bed alone.' AITA for being upset?
"AITA for being upset I was ditched during and after my own wedding?"
It was actually a vow renewal, we got legally married last year with just us there no family or friends, so just now got the “party” all planned. We had a really short ceremony at the beginning and then partied! I specifically asked my husband to please stay with me and to hang out with me as we mingled around, because I know how he gets around his friends and usually I hang by myself if they are around. And he’s like “yeah of course we will go around together."
That didn’t happen. He took off and was gone and I legit spent the majority of party standing by myself. (98% of the people there were his). Then at the end of the night, it was over around 9 so fairly early. There was a plan at some point, a lot of the attendees, were going to go out to a bar to which he decided he was going. I wanted to go home, with him, and have our “wedding night."
This was absolutely not acceptable to him because “his family was in town and going to go out too.” So, I stayed home by myself and went to bed while he went out to the bar. Next day, I’m upset of course and he keeps asking me why, what did he do? Like how did he not know?
When I explained, it got pushed back on me that I should have kept up with him and he found me 1 time outside when I was trying to cool down cause I was super hot. So he keeps bringing that one time I “left” and he found me outside. Then told me that I was making stuff up and I wasn’t alone and that if I was it was my fault. So, is it my fault? AITA?
Adding…for people who have to know where my people are… as if it matters one way or another. My Dad is dead, my mother has Alzheimer’s and was unable to attend. Yes my sister was there and my adult nieces and a friend. That’s what I had. And honestly who was there isn’t the issue just added in the original post to give context that it was mostly his friends. I am an introvert and have social anxiety, but can handle and deal when needed.
And no, I wasn’t sitting in a corner all night “poor me” I was out and about. Just by myself. Not with my husband. Every wedding I’ve been to the bride and groom kinda mingle around the majority of the night together of course there are times they are on their own. So that is how I was expecting things to go. Not completely in reverse.
Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:
Diligent_Hedgehog999 said:
Gurl. Get out now. If that is how he behaved at your wedding celebration, it is only going to get worse. NTA.
Fickle_Pickle_3452 said:
NTA. He abandoned you pretty clearly and right away. Got caught up in the moment and went galavanting off with friends and family. The fact that you didn’t want to go to a bar and he still went, is wild. Truly. The shitty manipulation tactics the next day are the biggest red flag. He knows what he did and wants to get away with it by finding any tiny possible fault in your logic (ie, finding you outside).
I’m curious, how clear were your expectations of “mingling together” with him? What does that look like for you? And did you share that with him? Were you willing to compromise on those at all?
Own_Pianist6338 said:
ESH. I'm sorry, but why throw a party to socialize if...you didn't want to socialize? Where were your friends and family? If my family and friends rallied around to celebrate me, I wouldn't be attached to my partner all night. It was his night to have fun, too. You had all year to celebrate "wedding night" and be home by 9:30pm. Wasn't this an occasion for others? Sounds like you have some serious dependency or insecurity issues to sort though.
truly-diy20 said:
ESH...him for obvious reasons but at the same time, you do get it was a party to be with friends and family right? If you want to be just with him then plan a date night not a party.. and youre the one that didnt want to join everyone to continue the party... are you usually this needy and such a party pooper? Everyone is having such a great time they want to continue hanging out aand youre sotting in a corner wallowing in your own pitty instead of having fun...no one excluded you, ypu did that yourself.
exceptyoustay said:
YTA. If you didn’t want to socialize, you shouldn’t have had a party. I’ve been in relationships before where I felt like I always had to be the social ambassador and it gets exhausting. Why didn’t you mingle and talk to people and have fun? Why didn’t you go out with everyone afterwards? It sounds like you weren’t willing to meet him half way.
Ms_Cats_Meow said:
ESH If he agreed to stay with you all night he should have done a better job of it. That being said, at every wedding I've been to, including my own, the couple has spent a good chunk of the night apart being good hosts to their guests. At our wedding, if my husband or I wanted some time together we came and found the other one and stuck together for a while. After parties are also very common, especially if a wedding ends early, and should have been discussed beforehand.
Ok-Moment3660 said:
ESH- I don't fully feel like you were ditched. You chose to go home instead of going out. You chose to stand alone. Where were your friends and family in all of this? Even with 2% of people being there for you, in a crowd of 100, that would be 2 people. I know my friends, and even the crappier members of my family would most likely come talk to me if they saw me consistently standing by myself at my party.
He's TA for acting like he didn't know why you were upset... Then again, maybe through beer goggles and being a clueless dude, he really didn't know what specifically you were mad about. It kinda seems like maybe you don't like his friends, so he might have just brushed it off as more of the usual stuff in the moment (at the party) and really didn't get it the next day (not saying he's right in that stance, just saying). He is maybe TA for not trying harder to stay with you, but it feels like we're missing info as to why you couldn't just go find him.
Your spouse seemed to indicate that it was important to him that he spend time with the invited guests (yes, even if it was at the "after party" that carried over to a bar, not the venue). If you wanted to be with him, you should have sucked it up and gone out with your guests, talked to him and made a compromise: "I'd rather us go home and finish celebrating on your own, but I get it's important for you to go out with our guests. Can we agree to leave together at 12?"
YTA for being mad about your spouse wanting to have fun at your celebration. If you had an expectation of how the event would go, you should have talked about that with your partner, aside from just "stay by me". You said you always hang out by yourself when his friends are around? Why did you expect them to include you this time, if you don't ever expect them to on other occasions?
I feel like I'm being mean, along with the others who say YTA.... I don't mean to be, nor do I think the others are as well. But it does sound like this is habitual and doesn't bode well for the longevity of your relationship.
I'm sorry that your day didn't go as planned. I know that's disappointing and you are allowed to have feelings about it. But we can only be so mad with others when our expectations aren't met. Sometimes we have to look at our own behaviors and see what if there are things we could have done differently to adjust our expectations, so they will more likely be met in the future.
I'm not saying lower your standards. I usually say "keep your standards high and your expectations low." It sounds like there is a disconnect between your expectations of your spouse and his ability/willingness to meet those expectations.