Bride kicks bridesmaid out of wedding party over her 'situationship,' 'I feel a bit icky.' AITA?
"AITA for asking one of my bridesmaids not to be my bridesmaid anymore because of her situationship?"
I (25F) am getting married to the love of my life in September of this year. We got engaged in July of last year and announced a date pretty quickly afterwards. Along with that, I asked my six closest friends to be my bridesmaids, and everyone happily said yes. One of my bridesmaids, A (26F) has been my friend for nearly seven years now.
Last year, she got into a situationship so sh$%ty that it started to affect our friend group because we were all so exhausted to hear about her awful man that we didn’t feel like hanging out anymore. We knew that she would cry about him for the entire duration of the hangout and we would feel bad for her, and give her advice that she would go on to ignore.
This summer right after our engagement, my partner and I planned a vacation for all my bridesmaid to come on, and we spent pretty much the whole week consoling her about her situationship not working out — only for her to get back with him a few days after getting home.
I talked to my other friends, and we all realized we were getting fed up with her behavior, so I decided that I would be brave and be the first to let her know. I told her everything, and also that her bf wasn’t welcome at my wedding at all. She told me she wouldn't invite him because they were "broken up for good" and that she understood I didn’t want to hear about him going forward.
During this conversation I also asked her if she still wanted to be my bridesmaid because I felt like she was more and more distant with me, and she assured me that she really wanted to.
Four months after this conversation, she’s grown even more distant, and I’ve learned from a mutual friend of ours (and another one of my bridesmaids) that it’s because A has essentially started to move in with her boyfriend, and has made another friend group.
She also doesn’t want me to find out that she has gotten back together with him, as if I’m her mother and she’s hiding things from me..? To me it only shows that she knows she’s not making the right decisions but doesn’t want to admit it.
This has left me pretty jaded. It feels like she’s moved on to another group that validates her relationship, and I feel a bit icky inviting her into the backstage of my big celebration of love when she’ll barely reply to my texts anymore.
Additional context: she told one of our friends that she couldn’t rejoice when the news of my engagement dropped because my happiness reminded her that her relationship was not working out well. That was back in July but it still stings. Also I can’t imagine why she would tell our mutual friend and think I wouldn't hear about it.
Still, I feel like taking away the bridesmaid role would sign the end of our friendship, and I am not ready to say goodbye to her, but I also feel like I put in a lot more effort in our friendship in the last year and a half while she’s moving on to other things and people. Would I be an ahole if I did that?
Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:
coolerbeans1981 said:
NTA. You're not dumping her from the bridal party because of her relationship, you're dumping her because you two clearly just aren't friends anymore.
Boopboopdedoop51 said:
NTA, as the person who was the friend who no longer wanted to be a bridesmaid, I would take the hint. I had actually told a bride I didn't want to be a bridesmaid anymore cause we had a falling out.
She didn't accept it and I was her bridesmaid. That was 4 years ago, we haven't talked since and now I'm in all her pictures. It may suck losing a friend but this is a natural progression. You will find out who your really good true friends are as you get older.
ExistenceRaisin said:
NTA. I think it’s time to move on from this friendship. She has new friends, you’ve stopped enjoying her company, there’s no point pretending any more.
RunForTheTaco said:
NTA for removing her from the party, it’s your wedding. Your decision on bridesmaids. However just as a refresher. Some people get into some shit relationships. And they get brainwashed as heck. It’s not right, your feelings are valid to not want to deal with it 24/7.
Her feelings on it being hard to celebrate your engagement tho, also valid, no it’s not fair. And I get it stings, but that one I wouldn’t hold against her. People grow apart, they find new friends. And she may be looking to be enabled, it’s okay to let friends go. Good luck on your wedding!!!
54radioactive said:
Her "situationship" as you are calling it has NOTHING to do with whether she should be a bridesmaid or not. Are you monitoring the relationships of your other 5 bridesmaids to see if they measure up to be one of your special people??? If she is your friend, and you love her regardless of her choices regarding love, she should be a bridesmaid. If not, then no.
IAmTAAlways said:
NTA, I don't think she was ever broken up with him. I think she lied because she knew he wasn't going to be invited to your wedding. I think with the lying, omissions, distance, and new friend group, plus talking to others rather than coming straight to you, you two aren't really friends anymore and should just move on.
RestaurantMuch7517 said:
NTA. She has moved on, and so should you. Do you want your wedding to be a repeat of the last trip?? I think not. You know what to do.