My fiancee and I are in the planning phase of our wedding (yay) and I recently told my mom that a friend of mine (a very lovely Satanist metalhead) would be officiating the wedding as per The Satanic Temple wedding ritual. An argument ensued where she expressed to me that it was disrespectful.
I told her that I had no intention of doing anything in poor taste, and that we wanted a fun wedding that was defiant and defied expectations. I asked her why she was offended, and if she was Christian, Catholic, etc. to which she replied "no."
She texted me later that night and expressed that she didn't know why she told me she wasn't Catholic, and that she actually was. She then informed me that if we held the wedding like this, and included a "satanic" message, that she and my dad wouldn't attend. Since then there has been constant fighting with her and there has not been a resolution.
For context, I come from a very supportive non-religious family. My father is an atheist, and always has been. Until this issue with my mom, she had never been Catholic, never really gone to church, never raised us with a faith, never expressed theistic religion, or anything.
It was however brought to my attention that when she and my dad got married, it was at a Catholic church (I was too young then to know this so it was news to me.) One of my mom's points is that doing a ceremony like this feels to her like an insult at her wedding ceremony directly, like we're doing it to defy her.
I told her that it had nothing to do her and that it wasn't about her, to which she told me it was unfair to tell me "things aren't about [her]". Added context, I am a trans woman marrying another woman. My parents love my fiancee dearly, and have been accepting and supportive of my identity for as long as I can remember.
Now functionally, this is a normal wedding ceremony for all intended purposes. Truthfully, fiancee and I are just freaks who want a freak wedding. It's harmless, as is The Satanic Temple and its beliefs if you look them up. It's non-theistic, community service oriented "religion" in the loosest sense of the word. We just wanted to do something fun.
The thing is, I have no intention of changing anything about our wedding to accommodate my mom. Fiancee's family is cool with it, all of my family members are cool with it- but my mom insists that she and my dad will not be attending if we hold the ceremony in this way. Am I the ahole? Or is she being unreasonable?
Electrical-Insect679 said:
YTA I'll be real honest here, judging by the language you use in this post and my own personal experience with similar events. I don't think you are a nice person. It sounds like you enjoy being abrasive and havnt been told no by many people capable of backing it up.
Why even have an actual wedding? What's the point, because so far it sounds like the point is to piss off specfic people in your life. If your wasting money on that just skip the ceremony on take a vacation.
All you need is the paper saying your married the ceremony is mostly for the other people there. You won't even see 90% of it because you'll be off putting fires out right up until the I dos then go right back to being busy.
So-so-old said:
NTA - but if satanism is not something that is important to you both (you and fiancée), do you still want that to be the hill you die on knowing that it could damage some relationships? Conversely, is your mom’s opinion so important that you would change your plans?
PennySawyerEXP said:
YTA. I think you're incredibly fortunate to have parents who are completely accepting of your gender and relationship. It's a low bar but many parents, unfortunately, do not clear it. Your mom has found one line she's hesitant to cross for you, and it's not even one you seem to feel particularly strongly about.
It's like inviting a Muslim family member to an event where they'll have to eat pork and saying "but pork is harmless and fun!" Pork is harmless and fun to many of us, but not to them.
I think if your mom has been there for you throughout your life, it's worth considering another ceremony that would reflect your values and allow her to attend without making her feel like she's compromising a part of herself.
Soft-Ad-385 said:
NTA whatsoever. It's your wedding and your soon-to-be wife's. Anyone who's uncomfortable with the ceremony or celebration you've chosen can sit it out.
originalusername8704 said:
NTA but you say you wanted to do this because you wanted something ‘fun’ at the wedding. But it doesn’t seem very "fun" if it’s causing this much upset. If you aren’t that bothered about it why dig your heels in? You also say your parents have been loving and supportive throughout your life. Not sure it’s worth causing a family rift over this.
CeeCeewasagreatdog said:
NTA, but your mom doesn’t share your idea of fun. If you want her at the wedding maybe you could come up with a more unique freakish option.