Woman secretly plans to breakup with 'Peter Pan' and move out after SIL planned wedding at her home. AITA? UPDATED.
"AITAH for secretly planning on moving out despite my SIL expecting to have her wedding at my place?"
I (39F) worked really hard at building my relationship with Ryan (43M) . I accommodated him into my schedule, did things to help him feel loved and appreciated and did my best to be a doting gf. I'm ashamed to admit it but after all I've done, I feel that I can't stand him. I don't even hate him, I'm just repulsed.
I discovered that he's extremely immature, and not in a fun loving way. Whenever I point this out, he says he's like Peter Pan. This used to cause emotional distress but I've passed that. He's a very controlling person who still thinks being mommy's little boy is some kind of an achievement.
He talks about his childhood very vividly and acts like he's still able to get away with anything. Ryan describes his intimate encounters with his exes in detail, despite making me feel horrible. I don't feel appreciated.
He shushes me whenever I bring up my heritage because "it's only keeping me tied to the past." He criticized my love for my childhood home and got very triggered because I mentioned some dear high school friends who happened to be guys.
I've built a good career while he games all the time. I'm fed up. In 3 years, I worked hard to complete my MBA, consolidate my small business and now, I have some major companies as clients. In the meantime, Ryan keeps relying on favors to get a job and he keeps getting fired.
I've asked him to control his instinct to get freebies. He's content with getting free stuff instead of actually buying something that he likes. Last summer, he dragged me to a kiosk at the farmer's market because the guy offered him a free sandwich.
What's eating me up is that he can't give me a straight answer after I've become suspicious that he lied about his degree. This is very serious, because it means that he lied about his prospects and he allowed me to include him in my life and somehow, he's tried to force me to be responsible for him.
I was made to believe he had found a job only to find out that he was attending board games "tournaments" at a local indie gaming shop. My feelings for him have changed since last New Year's Eve when he stood me up to go see his family and I wasn't allowed to join.
We had already made plans for a quiet and romantic evening and I brought the food and the wine and he waited until 2:00 PM to let me know that I would be spending it alone. He said MIL needed him because NYE gives her flashbacks from FIL. As background, FIL left her in the 90s and married his mistress in the 2000s. I felt horrible.
He knew NYE is important to me and that I was looking forward to a romantic evening and that my family lives on the other side of the country. He knows being here is a sacrifice for me because I have kids that I bend over backwards to spend time with and that flying every Wednesday to see them is a huge part of being present.
I took a client whose deadline was January 2 ( their culture doesn't celebrate NYE) and I agreed because I needed the money. That was a game changer for me but my heart was broken. After that I've tried to work around not losing my love for him but what I feel is that I'm experiencing the pain of losing respect for this man.
I can't stand it, I can't even look at him, and I feel very guilty because I'm finding my happiness behind his back. I feel like I'm doing something wrong. I constantly make up supposed work schedules just to get away from him. I can't take this anymore.
His sister asked me to allow her to have her wedding at my place because she can't afford anything else, and now she's not speaking to me, but she still expects me to host her. I agreed on having the wedding where I live because I thought we could actually get to know each other and it would help to create a good relationship, which is important to me.
I don't know if she's not speaking to me because she feels she doesn't need me anymore or because there's something I don't know that's happening. I'm mentioning this because SIL (F41) and MIL (F69) have a history of playing victim and SIL finds ways to get aggravated constantly.
I tried to talk to her and she has simply ignored my calls and my messages. I thought that because of this, she had decided to have her wedding elsewhere but now I'm being informed that I need to remove my pets on my furniture so that she can use my living room for her ceremony. I texted and called to get clarification and was left on seen and honestly, I got pissed. It feels like I'm begging to be a part of their family.
I'm so angry, and I told him, and basically he kind of shrugged, I've decided to just move out without telling him. I talked to my landlord so that I can leave two months earlier.
I'll just take my pets and everything I own while he's at work and just drive off. I'm feeling tired of feeling lonely within this relationship. Last month, I was inducted into a career guild and refused to take him as my plus one because I didn't want any pictures of him next to me.
It would ruin the moment. I don't owe him anything. He left me basically alone when I had COVID and was very irritated whenever I asked if he could buy me some food. And also I owe him nothing of what I am as he has never celebrated me while I bent over backwards to help his mom despite her attitude. I spent my birthday alone because he was busy.
All he does is ask me how much more money I'm going to get in the future. I know this is my fault because at some point I promised him that I would help him fund his dream restaurant but that was back when things were great between us. I know it's wrong to go back on my word but I can help it.
I don't want to be in his future and I don't want to invest in his life. I'm still down for what I'm doing. I don't know if I'm being an a-hole for planning on leaving him without telling him. I just don't want his family to yell at me like they did to my other SIL when she left my brother-in-law. Also, SIL can be very volatile and both she and MIL claimed they have assaulted people, but I don’t know if they are just bragging.
He has been asking what's going on because I can barely hide my contempt whenever he tries to initiate a conversation about helping him create a business. I'm fed up with having to listen to his insistent questions that are making me feel very uncomfortable. I told him I'm not an insistent person. I didn't harass him to come to my place when he stood me up on NYE.
I didn't insist that he give me a present for my birthday because he's an adult. He says it's different since a business is a lifelong situation and a birthday gift loses value. I’m clear on the end of our relationship, but I’m kind of doubtful about ruining the wedding. It’s ten days away. AITA?
Here's what the top commenters had to say:
Cleobulle said:
Nta they all been using you. You should be gone Yesterday. Take all your stuffs, block them and live your best life. Btw get checked for std because all those Times he was gone are sus...
Nervous_Hippo8855 said:
When you date again make sure not to get involved with his type again. You deserve an equal partner.
Material_Cellist4133 said:
NTA. You aren’t ruining a wedding, you can’t ruin it if there is literally ZERO COMMUNICATION with the host. You deserve happiness. Stop being a doormat and stop neglecting yourself and leave.
Comprehensive-Sun954 said:
NTA at all. Run my friend, run! And go back and spend your freedom with your children, who I’m sure miss you a lot.
Prudii_Skirata said:
NTA. He actually called himself Peter Pan in a prideful way? In your place, I would ghost/leave too and the only explanation I would give is a note that legit just reads "Enjoy Neverland on your own time and your own dime, Peter. Bangarang!"
PrideofCapetown said:
NTA. At all. The best time to go no contact with this entire band of dysfunctional parasites is RIGHT NOW. The second best time is AS SOON AS YOU CAN.
UPDATE:
First of all, thanks to everyone who took the time to offer their advice. I wasn’t expecting my post to get that kind of attention. So, thanks for the good will. I’ve been kind of inactive due to having to deal with things so that I could move out, settle into my new place and have lots of work from my daily career stuff.
Letting them have the wedding at my place AFTER I was gone was not an option because as some Redditor pointed out, they could trash the place. Also, there’s a lot going on right now.
I talked to my ex boss and was as honest as possible. She was alarmed, her reaction was 400% more pissed off than the average Redditor feeling empathy for my situation. She stepped in, because I couldn't find emergency movers.
There’s a cargo division at her company, and while she couldn’t send any employees to move my stuff during working hours, she helped me find some employees who do moving gigs off duty.
I talked to my family and explained what’s happening. I flew my pets to them (I’ll be completely moving back home in a few weeks) so that I could have some elbow space because I didn’t know if I could find a new place ASAP that was also pet friendly.
The movers were very organized and thankfully took everything out as quickly as permitted. I followed Reddit advice and changed the locks. I also paid the landlord a cleaning fee because the advice I got on here was very eye opening and I didn’t want to linger alone. The landlord inspected (not much to inspect except for any damages, which were none) and settled on letting me out of the lease.
My lawyer gave me plenty of advice, which comes down to him having a different address as his official dwelling place to get his mail, child support paperwork and where he lists himself in official documents. As long as I kept detailed information of returning his property intact and not retaining his property, there wasn’t much that he could claim.
I put all his stuff in trash bags and left it on his mother’s porch. It made sense not to spend a dime on shipping anything. I recorded everything and took inventory. Nothing was damaged or broken and my lawyer has records.
My best friend is gold (Rinna F41). She dropped everything and had her foot up my a** telling me off for allowing him to get this far in terms of treating me badly. She also arranged for me to stay with her boyfriend’s mom for a few days until the new place that I applied to sent me notice.
All I needed was a room with a bathroom or something. I couldn’t deal with putting all my furniture up again as I’m leaving the area soon. I’m paying rent at her MIL’s house, although it's three hours away from my office and it’s not feasible for the long term. So I’m going to my office 2x a week and doing the rest via video call. Whatever I do, I won’t be going back to town.
My former boss says she is concerned and helped me get a small office space (meeting room) for obligatory face meetings that I can do within a one hour distance ratio. I’m extremely grateful because I know she’s not obligated. She was always a boss when she was my supervisor way back when but with what she’s done for me, I would call her Kaleesy and feel like it’s real.
D Day: MIL was outside when I went to leave his stuff. Honestly, I hesitated but figured out there was never gonna be a perfect time to drop everything off so I basically hopped out of my car, left everything and ignored her as she persistently asked me what was going on. I avoided making eye contact and it was very uncomfortable.
He called me and claimed what I did was petty and unjustified. He said he would come to my place so that we could talk. I clarified nothing. If he was gaslighting me then he deserves to drive all the way only not to be able to get in. He called me at night again, saying his key wasn't working.
I said he's damn right, and I informed him that I no longer live there. I don't need to describe the shit show because I'm pretty sure it's universal to abusive partners. First he was aggravated, then he demanded that I show up, then he tried to pin his family's well being on me. I said SIL never replied to my messages and she can have her wedding elsewhere.
I kept my cool as my best friend suggested, just to spite him. He was livid and went from confused to angry to lying about me "using him." I did talk to SIL and had a surprisingly civilized conversation that amounted to nothing because 2 hours later, she and Ryan's cousins started spamming my phone. By that day during the afternoon, I was pissed enough when she had her groom call me. I'll call him George (M41).
George and I have never had a real relationship. We never really talked during family events and we didn't even have each other on social media. He's a mellow guy, kind of a Pink Panther personality (slow walking, won’t mess with anyone, very quiet).
I was 50/50 surprised at his attitude but not entirely taken aback. I understand he was told differently about the venue ( so basically he thought I just upped and left out of jealousy/ spite against Ryan and his family). I also got very triggered when I heard him repeating baseless stuff about me.
I understand it was him innocently passing on gossip thinking it was true, but it just made me angry. I'm not proud of this, but I told him that Ryan and his family don't respect him and say embarrassing stuff behind his back and that wouldn't give me the right to repeat demeaning stuff or turn him into an enemy.
I told him that sadly, Ryan always refers to him as "the spare guy" because SIL had always had a thing for her ex husband and that sadly, out of a few guys that she dated here and there, he was the only one willing to put a ring on it. He demanded proof so I said no problem. It took me a few hours, but I located voicemails Ryan had sent me.
For background, whenever Ryan wanted to distance himself from guys he considered losers, he would say things like "I'm not like George," " George is only good to keep quiet and take orders" " My sister said George could barely get it up and he need a pill" “ George was acting out but you know my sister, she threatened to leave him and he got scared."
Again, I'm not happy with what I did but I was insulted that someone who never even talked had the gall to come at me. TBH, this didn’t really deter him. I had him on speaker while at a parking lot while Rinna and I were having lunch. Rinna got pissed by George persisting, but we finally understood what was going on when he claimed that I took their money.
It turns out that he (supposedly) has given SIL some kind of a deposit because I have allegedly demanded to get paid for the use of my place. This never happened. It didn’t make sense. I was asked to help because they were broke, I never asked for money.
Rinna made herself apparent on the call, and it was funny because when George asked who she was she was like “don’t worry about it." So she said that he was out of line, but because he was being stubborn and we both believed he wasn’t to blame, she said we should have a call. George sounded confident that he was in the right and about a minute later, I got an invite for a chat group.
Sh%t show #2 was horrible but necessary. I know I stooped a bit low, but I’m satisfied to have followed Reddit advice about “burning the bridge and poisoning the water." I added FIL on the chat, and I’m sure Ryan will never forgive me.
For background, Ryan has a David and Goliath complex about FIL, FIL being Goliath. He has internalized competitiveness against his father. He so badly wants to outdo FIL, that he tends to forget that FIL is an old man. IDK if I’m right, but sometimes I feel like they are “fighting” against an idea and not reality.
The call started out as a mess. There were insults and a lot of yelling but at this point, I was sick of their behavior. I sent him evidence that I’d been reaching out without getting any response. I forwarded all the voicemails and screenshots, especially two or three where Ryan shows excitement that his sister will have a venue and thanked me for understanding that she can’t pay for it.
MIL dropped out of the call the minute FIL came in. I told FIL what was going on, thanked him for the cordial treatment I always got from him and explained that I was offering my place as a venue but was ignored when I needed to address it.
And that Ryan is simply unsuitable to be with a hardworking and successful partner because he’s a parasite. And that I can’t respect a man who DOESN’T HAVE A REAL JOB, GAMES HIS DAYS AWAY, is probably lying about his new job right now. All Ryan said was “wow” and that I was “insulting him."
And it gets worse. FIL gets constantly demonized for having dumped MIL, and he starts talking very sternly about feeling confused and disappointed about all this wedding stuff. He and Ryan got into an argument, and SIL started yelling. Despite me disliking Ryan because of everything that he did, hearing FIL calling him a “moron” and a source of embarrassment felt kind of heavy.
FIL says he is fed up with all his children, and that despite knowing his children resent him, he did give SIL 2k as a gift to pay some off debt or use it for the wedding but she used it all up on outings and good times instead, and that his blood boiled every time he saw her FB posts.
I don’t have much information on this, I just know that George was super thrown off by this and kept asking and asking about it. He sounded confused, just like when someone has been denied some resources readily available, but I could be wrong. FIL said he expected his money back because he was fed up with all the drama and said that if this was gonna keep on happening, “please don’t come to me when you get a divorce."
FIL told SIL to just stop listening to Ryan already, because he’s unhelpable and can’t be of help to anyone because he’s both dumb and greedy, and that he’s like an open mouth with an eternally empty stomach. And that she’s ridiculously for following Ryan, like a cult member.
SIL starts yelling at him and he said this is exactly why all her men run for the hills, and to go ask her mother if temper tantrums and victim mongering are in any way aphrodisiac. That was a huge can of worms to be opened so I immediately dropped from the call because I was very stressed out, despite having tried to keep a cool headed mindset. I blocked everyone and changed my number, sealed all my social media and removed apps where I didn’t know how to block people.
It’s been weeks and no wedding stuff has been posted. None of my friends who have visited their profiles have seen anything but cryptic stuff written by George. I cannot guarantee the wedding did not take place but it doesn’t look like it. Also, I agree with some replies about having a court wedding.
They could have done that. For additional clarification, I wanted FIL to know everything because he was quite often the inky friendly face in that family and I didn’t want to leave without having him understand the truth. He was decent and I didn’t want him to think that I’m some kind of a witch who ruined his daughter’s wedding for giggles. Thanks again.
Here's what top commenters had to say after the update:
Anonymoosehead123 said:
I would have stayed on that call until the end of time. And I would eat popcorn throughout the whole thing.
FlipsTW said:
This was an immensely satisfying read. I’m so happy for you! Please keep us posted if there’s more. I wish you the best for the future.
UnusualPotato1515 said:
Well done, OP, for getting far away from these leeching losers! Honestly, you should be proud for telling George all that - he seems like a nice simple guy that needs saving from that deranged parasitic family: Good call for getting FIL involved - his put downs were satisfying & hilarious to read!
MinutesTaker said:
Nice job, OP. This is pro revenge material, IMO. I would have stayed on the call just to get all the tea lmao! FIL’s insults are actually hilarious and on point. I hope George wised up and disassociated himself from the shtshow that is your ex’s family. The best time to get out of marriage is before the wedding!
KaleidoscopeOld7883 said:
Bullet dodged, and lesson learned. I’m glad you’re out of this situation OP.
Oldgal_misspt said:
I’m so glad you got away from him. What a dumpster fire of a family. Wishing you a much better, equal partner in the future.