Bride refuses to accept a 'large gift' from her future mother-in-law, 'this isn't enjoyable.' AITA?
"AITA for not accepting a large gift from my future mother-in-law?"
I (29F) got engaged recently. A couple days after the engagement, my mother-in-law asked me if we are having an engagement party. I said I don’t know. Within the next few days my family planned a small dinner for the immediate family of both sides to meet each other.
I told my mother-in-law this, and she didn’t like the idea of a small dinner. She wants to throw basically a second wedding- with the groom’s side of the family; and spend easily over $10k on a party at a venue. I told her I don’t want 2 weddings and she said she is doing it no matter what.
We looked at a venue and she mentioned that everything we pick should be what I want (the bride). We left the venue and I thought it was too expensive (and too small for the over 100 people that would be invited.)
Me and my fiancé told her again we want something small to celebrate our engagement. She again said, she is throwing us this large party. This went back and fourth a few times.
It’s been such an exhausting few days talking about this party- that isn’t even our wedding! It’s taking up so much time going back and forth. I have my job and other things to take care of that I am not able to focus on. We went to dinner and I couldn’t even eat. This isn’t enjoyable.
Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:
Worth-Season3645 said:
NTA…I would tell my families that this is your engagement and your wedding and if they keep pushing, you will elope and be done with it. And your fiance needs to be the one to tell his parents no. If he does not stand up for what you both want now, can you just imagine what it will be like when you have children?
WEM-2022 said:
NTA. Tell her you won't be there and then do not attend. Also, something for your consideration: If you marry this guy, this is your life. One constant, never-ending battle with your controlling mother in law. Is this what you want for yourself? I PROMISE you, she will not change. She will not stop. THIS WILL BE. YOUR. LIFE. Is this what you want?
CandylandCanada said:
NTA. This is good training for the family; they should learn now that they are not in charge of your wedding, your marriage or your life. You now know that MIL is prepared to override your express wishes, and that mollifying her doesn't work. You know that your own family has is prepared to attempt to control you with threats of emotional upset. You have all the information that you need to plan this wedding.
You teach people how to treat you. If MIL plans this huge event, then tell her repeatedly and loudly that you and fiancé will not attend. If she wastes her money, then that's on her. I'll repeat it because it's vitally important: you teach people how to treat you. If you lay down on this, and lay down again on the wedding, then prepare to do it your whole life without complaint because you've been warned.
forgeris said:
NTA, I always had a very strict boundaries set with people around me so nobody would try to pull this nonsense. You want to force me into something? Cool, you are uninvited from my wedding, any more stupid wishes while we are at it?
No? I thought so. Want to be invited back into my wedding? Ok, but no more stupid sh$% or we go LC and then NC. But also what matters is that your partner is 100% behind you, I would never marry a girl who doesn't support me at least 99.9% of the time, pointless.
Complex_Storm1929 said:
NTA. It’s you and your husband’s engagement and wedding. Do what you want. Tell your husband to man up and tell mommy you guys will be doing what you want to do and not what she wants.
Complex_Storm1929 said:
NTA. It’s you and your husband’s engagement and wedding. Do what you want. Tell your husband to man up and tell mommy you guys will be doing what you want to do and not what she wants.
AdUnlucky9387 said:
NTA. She's being really rude. If she wants to throw a party for you, she should throw a party for you, not try to force you to go to one.