'AITA for not buying my fiancé a second wedding dress that's more than 50% the total budget?'
"AITA for not buying my fiancé a second wedding dress that's more than 50% the total budget?"
My (F49) fiancée (F32) wants me to buy her a new wedding dress that’s over 50% the total wedding budget after I already bought her a $8,600 dress. I’m marrying the love of my life who is a member of a Native American tribe and lives on a reservation in my city.
I was involved with this tribe before I met her, buying an older woman a mobile home to put on her land when her daughter went to prison leaving her three grandkids to raise when she was living in a 15’ travel trailer. She managed to get the kids out of foster care due to this.
This greased the wheels to get the council to approve us having our wedding on the reservation. I’m paying for everything and have a $60,000 budget. There will be traditional dancers, drummers, and a traditional feast all catered by women on the reservation.
We have an 80 person guestlist—the only people coming on my side is my mother and my adult nephew. Yes, I’m spreading my money around on the reservation, trying not to be obnoxious about it. Like I said, I’ve seen the poverty many of them go through and I love that my wedding is bringing money there.
My fiancée said she dreamed of her wedding since she was a little girl. I could care less about weddings, tbh, so I’ve let her be the only "bride." I’m going to wear a black gown with tuxedo elements on top to kind of stand in as a "groom." This way all the attention will be on her.
My only rule was that the budget was $60,000 FIRM, not a penny more, and I hired a wedding planner she had to work with to get everything within that budget. She went out with her girlfriends and decided on a beautiful $8,600 dress. She loved it. It was purchased and fitted. Great.
It’s three months until the wedding (we’re doing November because it’s way too hot to have a summer wedding out here). She was continuing to get things ready with the tribe and the planner. One of the tribal elders brought up her dress. He said she should wear a traditional tribal gown made by one of their artisans.
She sat me down to tell me something "serious’"and explained that she couldn’t wear the gown she bought. She needed a traditional tribal gown. I said to get a quote from the artisan and maybe we could get a partial return and/or sell the other gown to cover it.
The artisan’s price? $33,000!! It’s going to be covered with beadwork and she needs to get started NOW. I said, well it’s a good thing we already have a gown. She said she would not humiliate herself and dishonor her tribe by wearing the wrong gown.
I said I can’t approve this cost. It would throw the budget out the window. She says I have millions of dollars, and this is our wedding and I’m being ridiculous. Yes, I have money. I live off 4% as someone semi-retired.
I have this money because I KEEP TO THE BUDGETS I SET. Now she’s not talking to me except to remind me every day that if the artisan doesn’t start now, she won’t have a dress. I don’t know what to do. Am I being the ahole here?
Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:
Seed_Planter72 said:
NTA. You've been generous but now the tribe and your bride are seeing you as a cash cow. Maybe if the elder feels this is so important, he should put up the money for dress. The artisan isn't by any chance a close relative of theirs, is it? If this crazy demand is a deal breaker, I say cut your losses and run. They will drain you dry.
KarinSpaink said:
NTA. A 33 thousand dollar wedding dress is ludicrous. (A 60 thousand dollar wedding for 80 guests is already quite over the top....)
Better2021Everyone said:
NTA, and for the love of God, please have a signed airtight prenup in place before you go any further, because I honestly feel that you are going to need it!
uttergarbageplatform said:
NTA the tribe is trying to use you for money and this whole situation is very uncomfortable.
bestbobever said:
NTA - It feels like you are kind of being taken for a ride. People see you dropping money and now they are trying to get you to drop more. I would be very curious what the relationship between the "tribal elder" that got into your wife's ear and the "artisan" that would be making the dress.
Also I take it they can produce some evidence of other people on this poor reservation wearing such gowns? That doesn't pass the smell test.
twelvedayslate said:
NTA. Please tell me you’re signing a prenup.
Later OP added this info:
Edit to Add: I've noticed some confusion and just want to clear something up. The elder isn't saying she's required to wear the dress. There have been other weddings with non-traditional dresses, like her mother's wedding.
The elder just suggested that since this is panning out to be such a big event for the tribe, it would be appropriate for her to wear a traditional dress. This is part of why I'm saying that it's still an option for her to wear the original dress.
Anyway, she's with her mother right now and I've asked the wedding planner to meet me on the reservation on Monday to see if I can get more information and talk to the dress maker, because as many of you have pointed out it doesn't make sense for the dress to be so expensive.
Some suggest I'm being scammed, but I think it's more of a case of not explaining the situation to the dress maker and asking for something too extravagant. I'd also like to consider the option of renting the dress.