Bride refuses to cancel previous plans for MOH's baby shower, 'stop attacking me.' AITA? MINI UPDATE

"AITA for telling my MOH to stop attacking me after I told her it'd suck to cancel two large life plans for her baby shower?"

My Maid of Honor (29F) found out she's pregnant and due in August. I (29F) live a plane ride away from her. We've been friends for 15 years. Today my MOH mentioned planning a baby shower in a group chat with me and our other friend, we can call him Ben (29M).

She asked Ben, who is local to her, "How can I make sure you can attend the baby shower?" He has a demanding job. I have a salary job and it's easy to get time off. MOH shared she wanted to have her baby shower on a specific long weekend between my wedding (In April) and her due date.

I said "I'm so sorry, that's [other friend, let's call her Sue]'s wedding." MOH said "woof, well I think that's the only weekend I can do it." Not only is it Sue's wedding but I was also planning on going to an event in the wedding's area with another friend, Daisy, who was planning to fly there for the event. I have no other plans the remaining weekends.

I said "I'd really hate to have to be an ahole and cancel on two people, I'd really appreciate if you did not put me in that position." Perhaps my wording was disrespectful there. My MOH shared that she did not understand why I have an issue cancelling on Daisy, but Sue's wedding she can understand.

I explained that if it came down to it, I would cancel both of them for her baby shower, but it just sucks to be in this position. She made several comments such as "my baby shower doesn't revolve around your schedule" and "Yeah I get being upset about cancelling things, I have to cancel and change things for the next 18 years."

I chose to ignore these comments as she has shared she is hormonal and wants people to go easy on her. I asked her to speak to her husband's family about their schedule and let me know to try to de-escalate. She said she didn't understand why I was getting upset at her and I "didn't understand where she was coming from."

Where she is coming from is that she is guessing this weekend is the only weekend her husband's family is available, and the weather around that time would likely be ideal.

That's when I snapped a bit and pointed out that I was ignoring her rude comments and just wanted to work with her because I love her but she doesn't seem to see that effort and asked her to "stop attacking me."

From there we did manage to de-escalate, but I still feel hurt that she was not willing to reconsider her plans for me, but had no problem asking Ben about how to make sure he can come. I also feel upset that she doesn't find it significant that I am being expected to cancel plans with multiple people that involve travel.

Her opinion is I should have little problem cancelling these other things for her baby shower. I love her, I will, but it still sucks.

EDIT:

This baby shower is NOT scheduled or confirmed with any of her family. She was throwing out a possible weekend and I shared I was busy. To clarify, if this date was SET and she told me “this is when it is, it is scheduled” I would not have given her any grief at all.

Some commenters have expressed opinion changes with this detail. We have the kind of friendship where I am 100% expected to attend this baby shower, which she considers a major life event. I am wondering if I am the asshole for not wanting to cancel on my other commitments or if she is the asshole for expecting me to cancel these and not being very willing to choose a date I am free, despite completely expecting my presence.

MINI UPDATE:

I spoke with my MOH today and we have resolved this conflict. We had a communication breakdown. She does expect me to be there but understands I have commitments. She chose another weekend.

Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:

Safe_Draft_1330 said:

Sorry but you plan to cancel going to your friend's wedding to go to this friend's baby shower? I mean really? You have your priorities wrong. A wedding is more important than a baby shower. Can't believe I had to type that. YTA.

PM_Me_Thine_Genital said:

YTA for putting your decision on your MOH instead of owning it yourself.
She wants to have her shower on the one wedding you're unavailable. That sucks and you'd be totally within your rights to tell her you're so sorry, but you're busy with a wedding that weekend.

It's unfortunate, but people make commitments. I see you said in another post that you'd pick the baby shower over the alternate plans because this girl is your bestie. Great! I've got people like that too.

I think you become the asshole when she says "woof, well I think that's the only weekend I can do it.", and you respond by basically telling her 'well you're *making* me be an ahole to my other friends - I don't want to, but you're forcing my hand'.

If you were sure you were going to attend the baby shower no matter what, the correct response there would have been "Oh darn, hmm, okay. Do you think you could let me know asap, cause I'll have a bunch of stuff I have to logistic through. I need to see if I can get some of my money back, and let Sue and Betty know I can't make it."

It's informative - it demonstrates that there are other things that need to happen in order for you to attend that weekend, and maybe it would have given her a little nudge to try and find a different date that worked.

I think that your decision to attend the baby shower over the wedding is yours alone. It's up to you what you choose to prioritize, and what plans you choose to keep or cancel. It's unfair of you to put that on her. I'd feel bad about that too- almost like you were trying to guilt me into choosing a different weekend. I'd be annoyed too.

JBW66 said:

YTA. If you’re willing to cancel on 2 people to attend the shower then you don’t get to complain about it and try and shift the responsibility to her. You’re making a choice here but you don’t appear to want to own it. The only person being rude and inconsiderate is you.

Normal-Ad-6787 said:

YTA for being willing to cancel on two friends, including a WEDDING. Best friend or not, this speaks volumes of your character.

mness1201 said:

YTA to Sue to bail on her wedding to attend a baby shower. Wedding > baby shower and you accepted first. Fair enough on Daisy and rearranging a social hang with enough notice. Response is MOH - I can do any day except day of wedding, and then apologize and decline if that was the day she still chooses.

15021993 said:

Yeah a baby shower isn’t a major event and not a big deal to miss. ESH. A wedding is a major event and should come before a baby shower. Your best friend does not see you as her best friend and I would start rethinking how much you bend over for her lol.