Bride refuses to change 'dark nature' wedding theme, 'the issue comes from both of our mothers.' AITA?
"WIBTA for refusing to change my wedding theme?"
I (F27) am marrying my fiancé (F26) next October. We've had a very long engagement (3 years now) because we are paying for our wedding ourselves, and we wanted to take time to save up enough money to have the wedding of our dreams. I know that the wedding isn't everything, of course, and we are both so excited to be getting married regardless, but we figure since we only plan on doing this once, may as well go all out!
Now, my fiance and I both work in animal sciences and have always had a taste for the macabre. We've planned our wedding to have a sort of "dark nature" theme; our ideal decor includes lots of moss, mushrooms, dark flowers, even the occasional antler or skull (ethically sourced, of course! That's part of what makes them so expensive but we refuse to compromise on that).
My dress is black, and I plan to walk down the aisle to Hozier's "Like Real People Do." We've booked a venue in a nearby national park and plan to have the ceremony deep in the forest with a reception at a nearby pavilion. Of course, my fiance and I acknowledge that our taste is weird and not what most people would do for a wedding, but we've talked long and hard about it and this is what we want.
Our friends are all excited with us, but the issue comes from both of our mothers. I'm the only daughter in my family and my fiancé is the only child in hers, so our mothers have both been excited to plan "their perfect wedding." Unfortunately, they disapprove of almost every decision we've picked, and it has caused quite a few arguments. My fiancé's mother has gone as far as to call my fiance crying about how she's "ruining her only chance to plan her daughter's perfect wedding."
Now, our theme is important to us, but not as important as our family's. Our friends have encouraged us to not back down and stick up for what we want, but neither of us want miserable mothers. WIBTA if I tell the collective moms that this is what we've decided on? Would it be easier just to change a few things?
EDIT:
For those who asked about accessibility: the ceremony venue is less than 10 minutes walk down a paved, level path, and the park provides golf carts we can use if necessary. We have rented a canvas tent in case it rains, and we don't have any guests with mobility issues.
Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:
VeronicaSawyer8 said:
NTA. Do not change a thing. Suggestion: Could they help plan your shower? It'll give them something wedding-related to focus on. Or a next-day brunch?
assumptiondonkey said:
NTA. your wedding is about YOU, not about your family. it is a privilege and not a right to get to attend someone's wedding, this rule extends to family just as it does for friends. and since you and your s/o are paying for the wedding yourselves, this is goes twice as much. Best wishes for you & your s/o.
tiny-pest said:
Nta. And once you back down it will only get worse. They want what they want. They are not respecting you both as adults. And if you back down on thus then they will run your lives. What next. No you can't live there. It's to far. You love mil more then me when you spending holidays. Oh I am coming to stay and will rearrange or expect you to cater to every demand. I will leave when I want to.
Oh grandbabies. You will raise then this way. You are doing it wrong. What do you mean I can't watch the wife cry in pain while giving birth. You are ruining my grandma experience. No I will come over and stay right as you get home. Help I am helping. I have the baby do you are free to clean. Hey I have a baby room set up so leave baby with me. What do you mean your not ready I demand my time with child.
Everything will be about them. About what they think they have a right to. How mean you are if you fight back. I am sorry but this would be a hill to die on with a simple. We understand you bite want to plan the wedding but your tantrums, tears and manipulation will not be tolerated. This is not your wedding and what we want goes. This is NOT about you at all and to continue yo try and make it shows you do not respect us as adults and shows how you will continue with all choices we make. How you think you have any rights to try and run our lives.
You can either back off and accept that you will not be making the choice or we will have to uninvite you and take a step back from the relationship until such time as you respect boundaries and that we make our own choices. You will get blowback but better now then when kids come and xan be hurt by the actions they are doing.
CephalopodSpy said:
NTA. This wedding sounds amazing! It's...weird at best that your mothers are both so invested in making sure YOUR wedding is THEIR ideal. The wedding isn't for them, or about them. This is your day.
disney_nerd_mom said:
NTA. Sit both of them down at same time. Tell them this is your (plural) wedding, not theirs. If they continue to guilt trip, scoff, make comments, or try to make changes they’ll be uninvited. Tell them that you both are paying, and again, it’s your wedding not theirs. If they want “their perfect wedding” they can plan a renewal ceremony with their respective spouses.
Straight_Career6856 said:
NTA. Plan the wedding you want. And, in terms of diplomacy - let your moms have complete creative control over something you don’t care that much about. It will make them feel important and heard and involved - usually that’s a big part of them wanting to “help plan.” Give them a project. You can have the wedding of your dreams. They can plan the most traditional, boring wedding shower/brunch/rehearsal dinner of all time.