Bride refuses to change wedding date for photographer sister's work schedule. AITA? UPDATED 2X
"AITA - I refuse to move my wedding date?"
I (34f) got engaged to my fiance (37m) September 2022. My sister (27f) was getting married in summer 2023. When I got engaged, I had my wedding date already picked for early summer 2024 and immediately told my family the date. My sister is a photographer and so I warned her with plenty of notice to not book for that date. I tried talking to her about my wedding planning but she asked me not to talk to her about it because she just wanted to focus on hers only.
Fine, no big deal but doesn’t mean I’m not going to continue to plan mine. This past October (2023) she asked me to remind her of the date. When I told her, she said that she booked a wedding back in January for that date and asked me to move it. I have said no because this date was properly planned out and picked for me and my fiance. I’m now being told it’s my fault and clearly she’s not that important to me because I’m refusing to move my wedding date.
I see it the other way around. Why wouldn’t she cancel her client in order to prioritize me? I’m the oldest child of 4. I never ask for anything, this is the 1 thing I am holding fast on. I am heart broken that she won’t be there, but also extremely hurt that she is putting all the blame on me rather than accepting she also has control over her decisions. Am I wrong? AITA?
Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:
FuzzyMom2005 said:
NTA. She cares only about herself. Her wedding. Her job. It's reasonable to be able to write down a sibling's wedding date. Her failure to think of anyone but herself is not your problem. She's projecting on you claiming she's not important to you when it's obvious you aren't important to her. Continue planning your wedding. Don't give in to any whining from her or anyone else just so she can be there. This is your day, not hers.
Beneficial-Step4403 said:
NTA. The comment from your sister about how she guesses she’s not that important to you is absolutely rich—considering she couldn’t be bothered to spare some mental bandwidth to hear how your wedding planning was going nor could she find the motivation to write down your wedding date as soon as you told it to her.
As a videographer myself, I make sure to write every single thing on my calendar. I even write the days and times I’m meeting up with friends because I know if I don’t, I will accidentally double book myself. It honestly sounds like your sister only cares about herself and her own life but doesn’t want to admit it.
ghjkl098 said:
NTA She chose to book for that date. She chose to keep the booking once she realised her mistake. She chose not to attend your wedding. I’m not sure where in her series of decisions you were supposed to be responsible.
savannahkellen said:
NTA. Maybe the two of you aren't close, but I wouldn't forget my sibling's wedding date/month. It just wouldn't happen lol. I'd be double-checking before I ever accepted that booking if it sounded anywhere close to your wedding date, not having the audacity to tell you to move it after she already accepted. Like what? It doesn't seem like she ever cared all too much at any step along the way. If it's her most VIP client ever, then she needs to make a decision and own that instead of making it your problem.
Nervous-Manager6013 said:
NTA. You told her the date, she should have blacked out the date on her job schedule.
No_Ad_770 said:
NTA. That is insane to me that your sister, upon hearing your date, wouldn't have slotted it into her schedule. It's a date, not terribly egregious thing to track, given you honored her request to not involve her in planning.
She had one job and she failed. I'm getting married and have multiple friends who are also getting married - it is not difficult to remember when all our dates are or even to be a sounding board for each other. She doesn't seem very competent if she can't even remember her own sister's wedding. Stick to your guns, she put herself in this position.
Anxious-Routine-5526 said:
NTA. Your sister focusing on planning her wedding didn't prevent her from taking the 30 seconds or less required to enter your wedding date into her calendar when you originally announced your wedding date.
UPDATE:
Thank you everyone for your support. I am not okay in all this and never stand strong on anything and 9/10 usually cave in to give family what they want vs my own needs. But, that’s boundaries and that’s what I’m learning for myself. To answer some questions. When I first got engaged she told me she wanted to photograph my wedding.
Then we talked about it and decided it wasn’t the best idea because she wouldn’t be able to be present at the wedding and would just be behind a camera the whole time. I’m now being told that my mom and other sister agree with her and that I didn’t tell her until this past October, yet I have a family group text proving otherwise. I’m staying strong. I’m not moving my date. But like I said, I’m just heartbroken that this is how it is turning out.
SECOND UPDATE:
Update #2 My mom reached out to me again asking me what it would take to change my date. I told her it wasn't going to happen. I've been told that it's disappointing that I'm not willing to compromise and that my sister and I can't work this out. There is no compromising a wedding date.
Either I'm replanning and moving my entire wedding to the next day (which, who wants to get married on a SUNDAY) or she is cancelling on her client. Every fight that we have gotten into and made up from, I've forgiven or caved in and moved on from. Not this time. I'm done caving for everyone. I was told "family comes first" to which I replied "you're right. It does." In this case, family coming first would mean me prioritizing my sister and her wants and needs vs my own soon to be hubby, my children and my own needs. My mom (hopefully) now has the hint and won't come to me talking to me about this again.
Even if she was reminded March 2023, that is still WELL over a year that she could have cancelled. I maaay be becoming TA now, but it's because I've had enough with the topic and I'm ready to move onwards and upwards and turn this planning around to something that makes me happy rather than sad.