'AITA for not wanting to wear my future MIL’s wedding dress?' UPDATED 4X
"AITA for not wanting to wear my future MIL’s wedding dress?"
My (26F) and my fiancé (27M) got engaged in February 2024, we are planning our wedding to be in March next year on the day of when we first met. We began planning the wedding May 2024, The theme is light blue and white. It’s important to know that my fiancé is an only child.
A couple weeks ago I was shopping for wedding dresses with my mom and sister, when I found this lovely dress, and it needed only a little bit of tailoring to fit me. When I sent photos to my fiancé he thought it was beautiful too.
Now here’s the problem my future MIL was over and when my fiancé showed her the dress. She immediately called me, I ignored her, as I was still with my mom and sister. When I got back to my and my fiancé’s house my future MIL was waiting for me.
When I walked through the door she immediately got up from the couch and accused me of lying, claiming I had promised to wear her dress. I never had. This was such an out of the blue thing for my future MIL as we normally get on really well.
I told her I had never promised her anything, she then yelled at me calling me a liar and that I didn’t deserve to get married to my fiancé. I was so taken aback by that I just walked away. I have done so much to make sure this woman likes me and now she doesn’t because I don’t want to wear her wedding dress that went out of style 50 years ago?
Once I had stormed off to my room, my fiancé joined once he had sent his mother back to her house. He asked what had happened and I explained my side of the story, about how I was just suddenly accused of all these lies, lies I never said.
He then explained his mom's side of things, which were that apparently when I first started dating my fiancé my future MIL had shown her wedding dress and I had said I would love to get married in that. I started dating my fiancé 5 years ago.
I honestly don’t ever remember saying that but it was so long ago I might’ve, but I don’t think so as the dress isn’t the prettiest. The next day I woke up with messages from my future MIL saying that I’m such a liar and that my fiancé shouldn’t marry a liar.
I’m going to be honest I teared up as I read those messages because I tired so hard to be liked by her, and I thought I was. I told my fiancé about the messages and he said that she’s probably just hurt that I don’t want to wear her dress. But it’s my wedding why can’t I wear what I want? Please tell me your opinions.
UPDATE:
I’m not sure how to start this but I sat my Fiancé down and talked to him about my FMIL. When he finally gave me the time to actually talk. I mentioned how I wanted to wear my own dress to MY wedding and he once again brought up how it was also for our parents.
WTF?? I explained calmly that it was a union of us, not our parents and unless his mom wanted to pay for our entire wedding it was OUR wedding. Then I said how he found the dress I originally wanted beautiful and he only changed his mind when his mom raised the issue.
He said he only said it was beautiful because that’s what I would’ve wanted to hear and he found it ugly. I didn’t react to the last comment and instead I brought up how I could wear something else of his moms and he completely shut down that idea saying his mom offered the dress and I couldn’t take something from her if she didn’t offer it and that I should be grateful she offered her dress.
I admit I was angry at this and replied with am I marrying you or your mother? When I asked him this he yelled at me saying that what his mom was asking wasn’t a big deal and that I was blowing this out of proportion.
After he said I was making a big deal out of MY wedding dress I stormed out and called my mom explaining the whole situation. When I went back downstairs he was gone and he texted me explaining he’s going to be staying with his mom until I “come to my senses."
I’m now rethinking my whole relationship as I can’t marry him if i’m also marrying his mother, and I’m not going to be one of those people on reddit talking about my horrible MIL, even though I sort of am.
Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:
Outrageous-Victory18 said:
Oh COME ON. Your MIL sounds irrational, manipulative and controlling. If she’s like this before you get married, best of luck to you after the wedding. She’s not likely to change and your fiancé seems like a mommy’s boy. NTA but have a real good think about your future.
Shibaspots said:
NTA You get to decide what you wear to your wedding. You never promised to wear MIL's dress, and even according to what she said, you just said a complimentary thing when she was showing the dress off years ago.
Your fiance seems to just want to smooth things over. Ask if he really wants to see you on your wedding day and know you are unhappy. That even if you wear the dress, the only one that will enjoy it would be his mother. Not a great start to a marriage.
No_Huckleberry2350 said:
NTA but you have a fiance problem more than a MIL problem. He expects you to defer to her, even when it makes no sense, minimizes your feelings and puts her first. If he can't stand up to you over this and explain to his mom that you want to pick your own dress, be prepared to let her rule the rest of your life.
OceanBreeze_123 said:
NTA. After I got engaged, my future MIL told him I wasn't invited to Thanksgiving dinner because I "wasn't family." He went without me. 26 years of marriage now. Not to him. If it wasn't the dress it would be something else. She doesn't want her little boy marrying you.
pieralella said:
NTA. F your MIL. I wouldn't marry into that family unless he was willing to keep her at a distance.
Knittingfairy09113 said:
NTA. Tell your fiancé that he needs to get his mom in line because her behavior has you rethinking marriage to him now that you're seeing her true character. This is unhinged, and there is 0 excuse for it.
3 days later OP came back with this second update:
Thank you all for the comments, I appreciate it so much. I talked to my mom and she said that my fiancé is acting weird and immature. Yesterday my fiancé’s mom called me explaining that we need to talk, and I agreed.
She stared of saying how I was going back on a promise, and she was hurt by that. I never got the chance to defend my self before she said she is willing to move past it, if I wear her dress. I completely shut down that idea and expressed how it was my day and I want to wear what I want, I then offered that I could wear something else of hers if she wants that.
She didn’t, she wants me to wear her dress. I tried again to explain how I wasn’t comfortable wearing her dress and I never promised to wear it and it might’ve been one of my fiancé’s ex girlfriends. She however didn’t take this and blew up at me through the phone calling me a liar, unworthy and a witch.
I hung up on her and blocked her number. Then my fiancé texted me saying it wasn’t fair to yell at his mother about the dress and i’m acting so immature, but she was the one who blew up at me. Then I texted my fiancé to meet me at our house to talk things out. He refused saying he would come tomorrow. So now I am waiting for him to show up.
Later that day OP came back with a 3rd update:
Hello everyone, again thank you for the kind words and comments. I appreciate it so much and didn’t expect it to sort of blow up and I wish I could reply to all of you. I talked with my fiancé about his childish behaviour and how I was angry at his mom and him for trying to get me to wear the dress.
He tried to talk but I quickly cut him off and continued saying how it was no longer about the dress and it was how he took his mother’s side over mine. He wasn’t happy with this of course and said he was only taking the side which was “right”.
However I disagreed with this and said a dress was a huge factor of a wedding and that I wouldn’t wear something I wasn’t comfortable with, and then I again brought up how he should be backing me not his mother if we are to get married. He got super pissed off at me for that as I said ‘if’ instead of when.
He started yelling saying how I was going to cancel our wedding just because of a stupid dress and how all this must be some joke. I stood firm and told him that this whole thing has got me questioning whether I want to marry him. He once again (surprise surprise) tried to storm out. I followed him and told him he had to talk with me or i’m ending it. He whipped around and [________] me.
I stood there in shock as he slammed out front door and ran back to his mommy. Safe to say I am not marrying this man and I am texting him just that. Thank you so much for all your comments, I can’t explain how much you have all helped me. Hopefully I can find a man and marry him in less than a year so my beautiful planning doesn’t get wasted. (The last sentence was sarcasm).
1 day later OP came back with this update:
Hello again, this one will be a bit of a short update. Again thank you for all the kind words, and some of the not so kind. This morning I went to the police station and filed for a restraining order, which will then be taken to court.
I have taken photos of the mark of my cheek from him [_______] me and video footage of him coming and leaving my house. Hopefully all goes well and I can leave him and his crazy mom behind me. I’m going to use the wedding venue to host my self an early birthday party! And going on the honeymoon with my sister.
I took your advice and unblocked him and his mommy, which I then quickly had to mute as his mom blew up my phone. I texted my ex fiancé calling things off and that he is an a^%$ole.
He replied with saying he’s sorry ect and bombarding my phone with messages asking me to forgive him. Sorry for the short update, will probably be the last one for a while. Again thank you for the comments and support. Lots of love, OP
Here's what people had to say after the latest update:
Glad you ditched the momma’s boy. I hope you have a nice birthday and you and your Sister have a great vacation!
NTA at all! It's great that you're taking steps to protect yourself and move on. It's your wedding, your dress, and your life. Enjoy that birthday party and honeymoon! You deserve all the happiness.
Good job dropping the dead weight. Enjoy your party but just to be safe, hire security and give them dear ex and mommy’s pic.