'AITA for not giving my married bridesmaid a plus-one to my wedding?'
"AITA for not giving my married bridesmaid a plus-one to my wedding?"
I (26f) am getting married in 5 months to the love of my life (27m). We just sent out wedding invitations and I decided not to give one of my bridesmaids (27f) a +1 as a way to let her know that her husband (29m) isn’t invited to our wedding.
For context I’ve known her and her husband for 8 years and was there when they started dating. He was charming for the first 10 minutes, then I could immediately tell he was a raging narcissist. For the first year of their relationship he would use her, and breadcrumb her into thinking he wanted to date her and eventually he broke down and did.
For more context my family hates him because a) he got into a fight with my neighbor (45m) at my birthday party and b) he always aggressively hits on my brother’s wife. And if all this isn’t enough I’m 99.9% sure he’s having an affair...
We’ve tried talking to her about all of the above but she won’t listen so I’ve resigned to keep my opinions to myself. However, I refuse to have him at my wedding. I don’t think I’m the AH for this but I need another take.
EDIT:
I didn’t want to go too crazy on the context but I’m realizing I need to give more flavor. He got in a fight with my neighbor because he (against my wishes) and brought fireworks to my party and started shooting them off. My neighbor came out to tell us to be quiet so his kids could sleep and the two got into a fight.
I did not explicitly talk to her about him not being invited but she is well aware that he is no longer welcome around my family. He has also made lewd comments about my body and is not to be trusted when alcohol is involved (I’m having an open bar). I may very well be the ahole but I feel like this is the one day in my life maybe I’m allowed to be.
Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:
PurplePufferPea said:
YTA! While I have no issue with you wanting to exclude toxic people from your wedding, I do have a huge issue with how this was communicated. You should have explained this upfront before your friend agreed to be a bridesmaid. She deserved to have all the facts before putting her time and money into your big day.
Now she's already invested, and you still didn't have the decency to tell her to her face. You just sent off an invitation, hoping she'd feel forced to not make waves and comply.
Cazalet5 said:
YTA and you need to explicitly tell your bridesmaid that her husband is not invited. Also, don’t be surprised if she backs out of your wedding. You may be her friend, but that man is her husband, and if there’s a conflict she will probably choose her life partner, not you.
DVIGRVT said:
I'm gonna take the YTA stance here. You have the right to invite anyone you want at your wedding, but to ask someone to be a bridesmaid and not allow her SPOUSE to attend is a huge slap to your friend.
If you didn't want her husband there, I probably wouldn't have asked her to be a bridesmaid to start with. The fact is he's definitely an AH, but it's not up to you to monitor your friend's life. Her marriage her choice.
jrossetti said:
This one is rough. So you have a right to have who you want at your wedding, but if you really want your MARRIED bridesmaid to be there, you should give her the plus one, but explain that if husband acts out of line at all he's going to be escorted out.
If having your friend in your wedding is not important to you, then by all means tow the line. This is one of those things I feel is not worth addressing right now. This isn't the time or place.
There are better venues than the wedding you presumably want your friend and bridesmaid at you know? I dont know I can call you an asshole for this. I see where youre coming from and it's all valid. I just think its not the time or place.
NAH except for the bad husband. I'm getting married in 2 months. I would definitely overlook a friends sh#tty partner to make sure they can be there. Im not going to take a jackhammer to my friendship over this. I can let it go as long as they aren't affecting my wedding with shenanigans.
doug5209 said:
YTA, while you do have the right to exclude anyone you choose to, a married couple should either not be invited, or both invited. You’re basically telling your friend you think her husband sucks, and while he may very well suck, she chose him as her partner.
Hachiko75 said:
I think YTA. If everyone can't get a plus one, then no one should or she shouldn't have been asked to be a bridesmaid or be invited herself. Why put her in that situation? You're no better than he is right now. I'm sure if someone didn't like your husband and only sent you an invite, you'd flat out refuse to go.
Later, OP provided a second edit:
Gave her the +1 but took out a restraining order on her husband. Problem solved.