Bride refuses to let estranged father do 'dad things' at her wedding, excludes new step siblings. AITA? UPDATED
"WIBTA if I didn’t let my dad do 'father things' at my wedding and excluding 2 siblings?"
TW: abuse
I (19F) am engaged to my fiancé (21M) and we are trying to plan our wedding. We have decided that we want a small child-free wedding, but will make an acception for our siblings (14M, 15F, 15M and 16F). The issue is that my father and I have been estranged for over 7 years now because he was an abusive father so my sister and I cut him out of our lives.
My brother is the only one who stayed in contact with him. I recently purchased a home that’s a fixer upper and my brother told my dad. My dad's dream was always to buy a fixer upper and make it his own home, so he decided he wanted to help with the house. I reluctantly let him as I did not want to have anything to do with him at first.
Our relationship has slowly improved but not into a “father daughter relationship” if that makes sense. Now while planning the wedding, I have decided I want my grandpa to walk me down the aisle and do the father daughter dance with me. He was the one who was always there for me and he was my “father figure” growing up.
My brother found out and thinks it’s unfair to my dad as we’ve been reconnecting. The next thing is that my father has a “new family” with a step daughter (10F), daughter (4 months) and a new baby on the way.
Even though we made an exception for my siblings I don’t see these siblings as my “siblings” and so I do not plan on inviting them as well as his new wife as we have never gotten along, she hates me and I’m fine with that. So WIBTA if I invited ONLY my dad as a guest and not the rest of his fam?
Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:
glimmerseeker said:
It’s your wedding, not your brother’s wedding. He may think that because he overstepped and let your dad know you bought a house, and you let your dad back into your life because of that, that he has a say in your father/daughter relationship.
Tell him it’s up to YOU to decide what place your biological father has in your life, not his. It’s so special that you‘re recognizing your grandfather’s role in your life and giving him the honors at your wedding. Don’t let your brother or anyone else guilt or manipulate you into doing something you don’t want to do. NTA.
SummerStar62 said:
NTA if your brother is so worried about it, he can have your father do do it at his wedding. But for your wedding, it’s your rules and it doesn’t matter what anybody else wants. If they don’t like it, they don’t have to come.
harleybidness said:
NTA. The bride and groom choose who to invite to the wedding and reception. If someone complains then immediately disinvite that person. Your together decisions are not subject to the approval of others. The grandfather deserves to be honored for his efforts to make your childhood happy and fulfilling.
MrTitius said:
NTA. It’s your wedding do as you wish
WildQuote3213 said:
NTA in my opinion you’re taking baby steps right now to get to know your dad on a one on one basis. If your brother wants an input then he can get married and your dad can walk him down the aisle and have a father son dance. This in no way changes the bond you’re building for yourself and your home.
If it’s that fragile then there was never a real bond being built. Also, as far as his wife and children are concerned they’re not invited. There’s no plus one and it’s a child free wedding with the exception of the siblings you were raised with. His children and wife are entitled to be in attendance at your event. If anyone else has something to say about it then your father shouldn’t be invited either.
minimalist_coach said:
NTA. You are allowed to limit your guest list to people who you know and care about. I don't think a couple should ever be pressured into inviting people that they aren't close to. I do hope you have let your dad know that he will not be filling the dad role at a the wedding and let him know that you appreciate his help with the house, but it isn't payment to buy his way back into your life.
UPDATE:
We have only been reconnecting for 3 months now. I am in no way trying to hurt anyone but I feel as though my father hasn’t lived up to his role and want my grandpa to walk me down the isle as he stepped up when my father let me down. Also I have never once met my dads step daughter or my half sister because his wife won’t let me.
I have seen her a few times when picking my brother up and she is nothing but rude to me, my sister and my mom. She has flat out told me that she hates me and wishes my dad would just leave all 3 of us behind. She even hates that my brother still goes there as “he takes time away from the family."
I do not wish to hurt my siblings feelings as I understand they are just kids and none of this is their fault. But Is it really fair for me to invite people I have never met (or been allowed to meet and trust me I have tried many times) to my wedding especially when trying to keep it small and already not inviting some people to keep with our limit? Especially when one is so young and won’t remember?
I have tried to ask about going over to meet them and my dad's wife threatened to call the cops saying I was trespassing. I have also offered to take them out for the day to hangout and get to know each other and again that was not an option.