Bride refuses to invite coworker to wedding; 'Your dietary restrictions are unreasonable.' AITA? UPDATED

When this bride has HAD it with her coworker, she asks the internet:

"AITA for not inviting my coworker to my wedding because of her diet restrictions?"

I am getting married in a few months, and I’m currently finalizing the guest list. I work in a small office, and we’re a pretty tight-knit group, so I decided to invite most of my coworkers. There’s one coworker, let's call her "Jane", who I get along with well enough, but we’re not super close.

Here’s the thing: Jane has a lot of very specific diet restrictions. She’s vegan, gluten-free, and allergic to a bunch of common ingredients like soy and nuts. Whenever we have office lunches or potlucks, it’s always a bit of a challenge to accommodate her, and sometimes she just brings her own food because it’s easier.

When I was working with my caterer to plan the menu for the wedding, I realized how difficult (and expensive) it would be to create a dish that Jane could eat. I was already stretching my budget, and the thought of spending extra money to accommodate just one guest felt overwhelming.

So, I made the decision not to invite Jane. I felt bad, but I rationalized that we’re not that close, and I’d rather avoid the stress and additional cost. I didn’t mention anything at work, but word got out that I was inviting other coworkers, and Jane noticed she wasn’t included.

She confronted me about it and seemed really hurt. She said she thought we were friends and that she would have been happy to bring her own food if it was an issue. Now, some of my coworkers are giving me the cold shoulder...

and I’m wondering if I really messed up. I didn’t want to make her feel excluded, but I also didn’t think she’d want to come if I couldn’t accommodate her diet.

AITA for not inviting Jane to my wedding because of her diet restrictions?

Before we give you OP's update, let's take a look at some top responses:

aagy writes:

This Bride-to-Be is way too caught up in the details to see the big picture. This coworker can’t possibly be the only guest who has dietary restrictions; as of now, she’s likely the only one OP knows about for certain because the subject comes up at work parties.

I re-read the post to be sure of where she is in the process. She’s ‘finalizing the guest list;’ the invitations haven’t even gone out yet, ‘but somehow the word got out’ that Jane won’t be invited. IOW, she’s been discussing this and it’s become the source of drama at her workplace.

Modern RSVPs have a section for guests to notify their hosts of dietary restrictions. Once the invitations actually go out and people start RSVPing, OP is going to discover that other guests need accommodations as well.

At that point, she will make a list, present it to the caterer, and get a final price for all of the meals. She is putting the cart in front of the horse, not seeing the forest for the trees, and making a mountain out of a molehill by zeroing in on aspect of the entire day, and on one person, by allowing it to cause so much stress.

aga000iuy writes:

NTA. You can choose not to invite a person simply because you don't feel like it. Not feeling like it is valid enough, and you don't have to explain. The food is a very valid reason not to as well. It could have also been a conversation in like less than 5 minutes.

dagyu423 writes:

Some caterers will charge $30+ a plate, for a basic meal, depending on the extent of the service being provided. Is the location of the wedding equipped with a kitchen, or does the caterer need to put extra effort into arrival timing, prep and keeping food at safe temps during transport to the venue?

Does the venue have chafing dishes to keep food at safe and edible temps or does the catering company have to bring the equipment? Does the venue have serve wear (big spoons and tongs), or silverware and plates or does the catering company have to cart those to and from the venue?

Did the bride supply napkins (whether cloth or disposable) or do they have to do all of that. Does the bride want it pre-plated and individually served or is it going to be buffet style? There’s many reasons an extra dish can cost upwards of $60 per plate from prep time, to staff necessary, to transport vehicles, to serve wear and plates, to additional equipment.

Then with the added bonus of having to make sure to take meticulous care and planning to prevent ANY cross contamination or confusion with one individual plate which can include but not limited to; draining a fryer and cleaning it and refilling with a couple gallons of oil, obtaining specialized ingredients and cooking products,

disinfecting a majority of prep surfaces (grill, fryers, oven, bowls, counters) and tools (spatula, tongs, knives) to prevent any cross contamination after and ESPECIALLY before prepping and cooking, making special room in a walk in cooler or deep freeze so if she’s allergic to tree nuts for example her tofu isn’t below the tree nuts on a shelf in the walk in...

cleaning and setting aside a special space in transport equipment for said special dish, setting aside space in potentially already very limited or non existent onsite kitchen/prep space for said special dish. I could go on. It’s VERY involved to cook for someone with multiple allergies and chosen restrictions as well. -A former caterer.

agahyu23 writes:

NTA. Most venues don't allow for outside food to be brought in at all. Even drinks. So her bringing her own food could 100% not be a possibility. And if you would have made her a special plate how can you 100% tell her that her food didn't come in any contact with food she is allergic to.

She could have a life threatening allergic reaction to the food you made sure was supposed to be allergy free. There are too many variables where her life could be put at risk or your wedding could not happen because the venue won't allow it.

fleaty writes:

Eh, NTA. My first suggestion was to ask her if she could eat outside of the venue because you were worried about cross contamination

She would've been amenable to that. But instead, you found it easier to cross her off the list, which is fine, it's your wedding and all, but it does show a disregard for her thst you didn't even bother to ask her about accommodations.

lead6 writes:

NTA , of course many people are gonna say you are you’re not there is no law anywhere that says that I guess that your wedding has to eat the food you were serving I’ve been to mini weddings and I didn’t eat all of them there was food

I just didn’t eat Jane has the ability to eat before she comes to the wedding she has the ability to eat after she leaves the wedding or she can bring herself some snacks that she could eat at the wedding

amea writes:

YTA it's never nice to exclude someone while inviting everyone else. Especially when you're otherwise friendly. If you're inviting most, then you should invite everyone... or don't invite any of them. You could have had a discussion with her about her restrictions and come up with a solution together.

Did you really think it wouldn't get back to her? I would have expected this all to happen and would have preferred to just deal with her diet restrictions, even if it was expensive, just to ensure my office environment stayed friendly. Instead you ostracized her, hurt her feelings, showed yourself to be an asshole, and created all this drama yourself.

You should have a sit down with Jane and genuinely apologize. Invite her and if she's willing to forgive and still come, then figure out her diet restrictions together.

Maybe she can just bring her food herself, or bite the bullet and pay for the expensive dinner for her. It's only one meal and is a drop in the bucket compared to the rest of the wedding and is a small price to pay to reestablish harmony at work..

feat7 writes:

YTA. So I think in general, with coworkers and weddings, you invite everyone, one person, or no one. If you work in a big office, you either invite like one good friend coworker, or you invite your while "team" if you can identify one

(like if you work in HR, you invite the whole HR team, if you work in a group of like 8 people on a daily basis you invite all of them) or you invite no one. In a small office, this is even easier because again, you invite 1 person, everyone, or no one.

You are leaving one person out, and didn't even speak to them about why when it is actually a solvable issue. You could have told Jane you want to invite her but your caterer and budget don't allow you to provider her a meal, so you would be happy to ensure she could bring her own food and have it brought out because you want to be safe.

And really, one meal for one guest is really "overwhelming"? I get that it would cost money, and it is a coworker, and one you aren't close to, but this is the kind of thing you have to consider when hosting an event.

Is the cost of that one special meal worth peace in the office and being inclusive of a person who through no fault of their own, has a challenging diet and probably often feels left out?

I mean, you DID exclude her, so I'm not sure if you realize what you are writing when you say you "didn't want her to feel excluded" when what you meant was- I didn't want her to KNOW she was excluded, and I don't want any consequences for my decision.

I am so all for people inviting who they want to their weddings, but that isn't free of any consequences or hurt feelings. If you were like- I don't like Jane and I don't want her there, I'd just say of course, don't invite her, but realize she may cause some drama.

In this case, you excluded her for something she can't control and also didn't try to solve the issue, and didn't speak to her, and also seem surprised that her feelings would be hurt.

Update:

First, I want to thank you all for your honest opinions on my original post. It’s been a few days since I posted, and I’ve had some time to reflect on the situation and your responses. After reading through the comments (and honestly, after sitting with my own thoughts), I’ve come to the conclusion that, yes, I was the asshole in this situation.

I won’t lie, it’s not easy to admit this. When I first made the decision not to invite Jane, I genuinely thought I was being practical. I convinced myself that since we weren’t that close, it wouldn’t matter much to her.

But in doing so, I completely overlooked the fact that this isn’t just about logistics or budgets. It’s about relationships and how our actions, even those we think are small, can have a significant impact on others.

I realize now that by not inviting her, I wasn’t just excluding her from a celebration, I was sending a message that she wasn’t worth the effort, and that’s not the kind of person I want to be. And here I was, making her feel unwelcome because I didn’t want to deal with a bit of extra planning.

After the post, I decided to reach out to Jane directly. I apologized for not inviting her and explained that I was wrong to let my stress and budget concerns get in the way of our friendship.

Jane was surprisingly understanding and appreciated the apology. We had a good talk, and while I’m not sure if I can undo the hurt I caused, I’m hoping we can move forward from this.

I’ve also realized that sometimes, the effort we put into our relationships, especially during significant moments like weddings, is what truly matters. It’s not just about who’s closest to us but also about making people feel valued and included.

So, for anyone out there planning a wedding or another big event, take it from me. Don’t get so caught up in the details that you lose sight of the people who matter. Thanks again, everyone, for helping me see this more clearly. I’ll do better from now on.