Bride REFUSES to wear the outfit her in-laws 'demand' she wear to wedding reception. AITA? UPDATED
When this woman refuses to wear her in-laws outift for her wedding reception, she asks the internet:
"WIBTA if I refuse to wear a saree that my in laws have chosen for me to wear on my wedding reception?"
Sorry in advance everyone, English is not my first language but I am a content writer so you guys should be able to understand everything.
Now, I am (25f) an Indian, and we have a ritual here. The wedding reception is held one day after wedding and in-laws give their DILs the saree they are supposed to wear for that particular function.
I was well aware of that and I have seen this happening since my childhood. Now a little background for you all. My wedding is in 10 days and the date was finalised back in February. I do a job and I have invested my weekoffs shopping and planning most of the wedding.
I bought my wedding saree in March and that same day I liked another beautiful Benarasi Saree that I bought for wearing at the reception.
Now, I discussed the thing with my fiance and asked him if his parents will be okay if I buy the saree and he told me I should go ahead and buy it and his parents would be more than happy to reimburse me because they are supposed to buy that for me anyway.
He gave me the money I spent for that saree and I gave the blouse piece to my tailor so she could make a beautiful blouse for me. It was all sorted by May.
Fast forward to today, my future FIL sent me a courier which contained the blouse piece of ANOTHER BENARASI SAREE and I was shocked to discover that they were not aware that I already purchased the saree that I am gonna wear for reception.
I bought my finance’s suit everything in a contrasting colour and bought my jewelleries accordingly. But NOW 10 days before I got to know my finance never told my future MIL or FIL that I already bought it in MARCH!
So, I don’t want to disappoint them by not wearing the saree they have chosen for me. (I haven’t seen it yet, but I am sure it would be nice). But at the same time, I really had a vision with the Saree I originally chose to wear for this function and I am very upset right now that it will not be fulfilled.
WIBTAH if I wear the one I originally planned to wear for this function instead of the one my future in laws bought for me?
Let's see what readers thought:
seven writes:
NTA in my culture. Something tells me you would be in your culture. But the important thing that crosses all cultures, is no one wants or needs unnecessary drama or angry in-laws on their wedding day.
If it is something strongly expected and likely to give major offense to your in-laws to not wear their gift, ask yourself: "Is the item I wear worth creating a pall over my entire wedding, followed by weeks, months, or possibly years of strained relationship with my in-laws?"
I know the wedding day is our special day as brides, we want it perfect to our vision, but as someone older and wisened by 20 years of marriage and in-laws, my advice is that I'd wear a burlap sack and clown shoes if it truly meant the difference between starting my relationship with the in-laws on the right foot or not.
criems writes:
NTA. But YWBTA if you don't fix this. This is typical desi behaviour. Coming from a desi girl myself, I have seen my dad (And various uncles too) react to these kinds of situation similarly.
His strategy is also to "Wait, and give him time to mediate". No mediation ever happens, the only thing he expects is the situation/anger will fizzle out, and everyone will be happy again.
This is exactly what your fiancee is doing. He is waiting it all out. Perhaps he will tell them before the wedding day. TRuthfully, it is not his problem, he thinks, he caused the drama and has escaped.
The blame from all uncles, aunties. chachas, chachis will be on you. They will call you selfish for disrespecting your in-laws wishes. They spent a lot of time and money looking for the sari and you cannot wear it now.
Please fix this behaviour NOW. You're setting up your fiance into a lifetime of escaping from sasural (in-laws) politics and letting you deal with them. He has escaped the battlefield and has given you no strategies to fight his family. Fix it now, before the wedding. This lack of confrontation/confirmation from his side is a red flag, and needs to be corrected.
Please talk to him, and tell him to give the in-laws the full timeline (starting from Feb, March) and explain it all. It is important to keep a united front to in-laws but make sure you don't deal with them directly. Also make sure they are informed and not left hanging.
ododrag writes:
Hmm, so your fiance purchased your reception saree ***as a gift to you from his parents*** and they have now gifted you with another saree?
You should send them a delightfully polite and joyous note expressing how grateful you are that they not only allowed their son to purchase, on their behalf, the beautiful and elegant saree that you adore and that will match so perfectly with his reception clothing...
but now have presented you with the promise of yet another gorgeous saree. Express how much you look forward to wearing it in the future and tell them that you are so very fortunate to be marrying into such a generous family.
Then wear your beautiful chosen saree. Be sure to credit them with the purchase and make comment on what a kind husband you have who, on seeing that you had found such a perfect saree for the reception, stepped up and acted to assist you and his parents by choosing the saree that would be gifted to you from his family.
Yes, this is not quite accurate, but also not false. He did tell you that this should be the saree from his family and gave you the money for it. Therefore, it is a gift to you from his family. This is what you were told and why would you have questioned that?
You are marrying a man who is not willing to tell his parents anything that they even might not want to hear. It sounds like there may be future times that you may need to weave events into the narrative you need. Do not manufacture facts, but do use the facts to ensure that you are not blamed for your husband's communication failures.
sezz12 writes:
What's amazing about this reddit thread is that in no world in no universe in no place would anyone ever imagine this discussion EVER coming from a man who would never ever worry or bother about such a thing.
They just would absolutely not be bothered. Women are judged by a magnifying glass and judge themselves in the worst way possible. Think like a man. Get over pettiness and unnecessary drama and live your life the way you see fit. Don't sweat the small stuff - it's never worth it. Use your judgement not reddit. NTA.
ododragon writes:
Hmm, so your fiance purchased your reception saree ***as a gift to you from his parents*** and they have now gifted you with another saree?
You should send them a delightfully polite and joyous note expressing how grateful you are that they not only allowed their son to purchase, on their behalf, the beautiful and elegant saree that you adore and that will match so perfectly with his reception clothing,
but now have presented you with the promise of yet another gorgeous saree. Express how much you look forward to wearing it in the future and tell them that you are so very fortunate to be marrying into such a generous family.
Then wear your beautiful chosen saree. Be sure to credit them with the purchase and make comment on what a kind husband you have who, on seeing that you had found such a perfect saree for the reception, stepped up and acted to assist you and his parents by choosing the saree that would be gifted to you from his family.
Yes, this is not quite accurate, but also not false. He did tell you that this should be the saree from his family and gave you the money for it. Therefore, it is a gift to you from his family. This is what you were told and why would you have questioned that?
You are marrying a man who is not willing to tell his parents anything that they even might not want to hear. It sounds like there may be future times that you may need to weave events into the narrative you need. Do not manufacture facts, but do use the facts to ensure that you are not blamed for your husband's communication failures.
And now, OP's update:
Update: Just got off a call with my fiancé and he said it would be very “complicated” to talk to his parents now. I better wear the saree my future ILs bought for me and to make it up to me, he will purchase a new set of suit that will go appropriately with the saree.
He will also go shopping with me again and bring the saree with him so I can find an appropriate blouse to go with it. P.S I have not seen the saree yet, he said he will send a picture tomorrow. Also, I am heartbroken and in tears as I write this because I believe all these could have been resolved with some better communication.