Bride rejects stepdad's preferred role in the wedding in front of family, 'I humiliated him.' AITA?
"AITA for refusing to give my stepdad the role he wants in my wedding in front of his and my mom's families?"
I'll (27f) be getting married in the next year to 18 months (no date finalized yet). Originally I had planned to have my stepdad and my paternal grandpa share the father of the bride duties because my dad has been dead since I was 6 years old and my stepdad has been there for me almost as long but my grandpa is hugely important and has played the role as most important man in my life after my dad.
My stepdad did not want to share the role and he wanted the walk down the aisle and the father/daughter dance to be just us. He told me he was not okay with my grandpa doing either alone or both with him.
He told me when it comes down to it he was the real dad in my life since I was 7 years old and while he might not be biologically my dad he has been married to my mom and taking care of me for 20 years and he is also the father to all my siblings and his place in my life should be honored and not shared with a grandparent just because I lost my dad. So I told him I would have just grandpa then.
This was not the end of the conversation and it came back up during my mom's birthday dinner. He mentioned it in front of his family, aka his parents and siblings, as well as my mom and my mom's family. He told me he wanted to be father of the bride, he wanted to walk me down the aisle, he wanted a father/daughter dance, he wanted a toast, he wanted everything that comes traditionally with this.
Because he brought it up in front of them and because I was slightly annoyed by him bringing it up again without clarifying he was okay with sharing the role, I told him no again. I also told him I had already asked grandpa.
This was in front of both families and it did start a debate over this. Once I realized I was hated for saying no, by his family, and some of my mom's family including my mom disliked that I couldn't let him do it (but some were on my side) I decided to leave.
My stepdad told me I had humiliated him and made the dinner all about me. I said he brought it up first and he told me kindness and decency would suggest I not turn him down in front of everyone. I also got a very angry message from one of his siblings and another from the same sibling on behalf of his parents.
They told me I had no business treating him this way. When I didn't reply to this person either time, my stepdad told me I was going out of my way to behave inappropriately and to hurt him.
The importance of my paternal family in my life has always been an issue for my stepdad and his family, but especially the importance of grandpa. For many years my stepdad has been jealous and his family has commented that I shouldn't need my grandpa because I have my stepdad.
His family have expressed their dislike for me several times because I have the relationship with grandpa that they feel I should have with their son. My stepdad expected an apology and when he didn't get one. He told me yet again that he didn't like my behavior at the dinner. AITA?
Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:
ladyf%ckyou said:
NTA, you actually did ask him to participate as a father in your wedding. He should be happy you have a great relationship with your grandpa as well and it makes no sense for him to be jealous.
In a sense it was him who rejected being there for you because he decided he'd rather act like a kid than actually be there for his daughter. I'm sorry that you have to go through this OP, it's hard to set your boundaries when you're surrounded by toxic people but you did it and you should be proud of yourself!
BulbasaurRanch said:
NTA. You made your position clear. He knew your position on the matter. It was his decision to try and publicly guilt and shame you into changing your mind because his entire family was around. He made the mistake of thinking you would cave to his demands because people were around. He embarrassed himself.
jrm1102 said:
NTA - regardless of who you asked, the way he approached this publicly to try and force you into the decision he wanted was not appropriate. I get him feeling hurt, but this isnt how to handle it and he’s just making this situation so much worse.
ColdstreamCapple said:
NTA. So rather than respect your decision your stepfather somehow thinks he can railroad you into agreeing with him? Enjoy your wedding with your grandfather, Your stepfather needs to get over it and behave or you uninvite him….He can’t have it both ways! I hope you have a wonderful wedding OP.
lemondeahh said:
NTA...your step dad & family members sound very toxic. Obviously you’re going to only be thinking about you , it’s your damn wedding! I could bet you he brought it up in front of everyone intentionally in hopes it would pressure you to change your mind. I’m sorry you’re having to deal with that drama when it should be a time where you’re supported and celebrated. Stand your ground because you did nothing wrong. He brought it onto himself and is embarrassed.
illumsteren said:
NTA - the fact that he's weaponizing "kindness and decency" to get his way is baffling to me. You told him your decision and he humiliated himself in front of the families.