'AITA for asking my cousin to change her hair colour for my wedding?' COUSIN RESPONDS
"AITA for asking my cousin to change her hair colour for my wedding?"
My 24 f bridsemaid / cousin Ella 26 f is to be in my wedding party in June. The ongoing issue is that my wedding has a blue and green peacock theme and guests have been asked to follow this color scheme with their clothes.
Hair wasn't originally included at all in the colour scheme but my cousin Ella has natural bright ginger hair.
I would never ask someone to permanently change their hair for my wedding, I know that would be bonkers so I suggested some temporary hair dye, but Ella argued that she has been growing her hair for 6 years and doesn't want to risk the colour not washing out.
I thought this was ridiculous because it literally says washes out in like 14 washes. But Ella says because her hair is completely natural colour it might take strongly to her hair.
So I gave up on that avenue and suggested a wig, it is 1 day 1 single day and there are some amazing wigs these days, I had a look on Instagram and you wouldn't even be able to tell.
But she said she would feel self conscious and weird wearing a wig and that because her hair is butt length that it might sit weird on her head. So she won't dye it, and won't cover it up.
I really don't want to come across as a bridezilla but butt length flaming red hair will destroy the wedding photos, and ruin the colour scheme completely.
Im at a loss, I can't cut her from the wedding because my mom would murder me but I can't have freaking Merida ruining the photos, AITA for asking this of her for just 1 single day?
Before we give you OP's COUSIN's response in the updates, let's read some top responses:
YTA - This is her natural hair. If she had artificial coloring, I can see asking her to dye it again, but you are asking someone to change their natural hair color. Yes your wedding, but there are limits are you have exceeded the limit.
bonnies writes:
NTA However, I really wish brides would consider those they want in their bridal party BEFORE asking them. If you think they need to dye their hair or lose a few pounds or cover their tattoos then DON''T ask them to begin with. You really come off looking like an entitled a^%$ole.
Potential bridesmaids, if a bride asks you to do any of these things, immediately rescind the position of bridesmaid graciously and let her know you would still like to attend as a guest. Personally, I don't know why some people put SO MUCH importance on being in the wedding party. It's about the couple getting married.
mala8 writes:
When I got engaged, one of my bridesmaids had waist length dreads. Six months before the wedding, she shaved them off as part of a St Baldrics fundraiser. She asked me beforehand, and I was stunned because I would never dream of restricting what someone did to their own body. She looked gorgeous, and I was so thrilled she was part of our special day.
OP: YTA. I sincerely hope no one ever tries to dictate what you have to do to your body. No one deserves that.
wittydest writes:
YTA. It's unreasonable to ask someone to change their hair colour and risk damaging their hair just to try to adhere to your strict dress code, which you initially said was only about clothes before you decided to single her out for her hair.
You'd be making them uncomfortable and furthermore you say it's just for one day but it could mess her natural hair up for a while afterwards. She's a bridesmaid as well and if she feels miserable about herself she'll have a crap day being in tonnes of photos.
If anything needs to change here it isn't her hair, it's your attitude. And if you force it and she steps back I wouldn't blame her!
surprisemutha writes:
If this is real YTA, definitely. “Temporary” dyes don’t actually wash completely out. Red hair is really closer to an orange color, both of which pair beautifully with green and blue. It actually seems that the color isn’t the issue because you asked her to cut it as well and are upset that she won’t.
This is 100% about jealousy. You’re jealous that her hair is long and curly. Most brides and bridesmaids have updos for their hairstyles. It won’t be as noticeable as you think it is. It’s YOUR day. People are going to be looking at you and paying attention to you. Would you cut or dye your hair for her?
aghas878 writes:
YtA, but I think you don't realize how impossible what youre asking is. I have just about this colour hair and I will never die it, because it is very difficult to get back to the same colour. I have several friends with this hair and NONE of us would ever die it.
Red hair dies poorly, and often does not come out the colour anticipated, often with a greenish hue. It also often has a thicker shaft, which also effects the dying.
She would never be able to die her hair back to the roots as they started growing in because natural red hair is very hard to colour match, so she would have this horrible fading brown with roots growing in, even if she used this temporary. Not to mention damage from the chemicals
Wigs are hot, sweaty and uncomfortable, and you will seem like a giant a&^%$le to everyone who asks what happened to her beautiful red hair and she says "oh the bride thought I would ruin pictures"
Practical solution - put her hair in an updo or back of the neck bun that will be less obvious in photos
doogie0 writes:
YTA. Asking someone to change their natural hair color for a wedding is extremely rude and insulting. My personal opinion, although many may disagree, is one of disdain for weddings with a major dress code abnormality requiring a majority of the guests to purchase specialized clothing for the wedding.
Requiring someone to change their hair color is so over the top, I question if this posting is even real. My wife was the maid of honor in a wedding a year before we got married. The bride of the wedding and her mother were rude and overly demanding on multiple details of the wedding.
We took what we learned from that and put it into our wedding. For our wedding, our primary goal was that both we and ALL of our guests had a good time with low stress. I am still getting compliments today that it was the best wedding many of these guests had ever been to.
At first I thought they were just being nice, but after a while, it became evident they really did enjoy themselves. I recommend that you question what is important to you at your wedding. If you feel perfect pictures are more important than your guests actually having a good time, proceed.
On the other hand, I think you yourself will enjoy the wedding much more if you relax and stop putting so much stress and demands on your guests. There are things that can and will go wrong at your wedding.
That is 100% a given. You should be celebrating your relationship with your spouse and welcoming others to share in that love. If you obsess over having the perfect wedding you are going to make yourself and everyone around you miserable.
Even if you get a perfect photo, anyone who sees it is going to be reminded of the misery at the wedding; not how good the photo looks.
Update from OP:
EDIT: Ella has dropped out of the wedding because we couldn't reach a compromise so it doesn't matter anymore. I now have to deal with my mom and aunt chewing me out over it all.
EDIT: OK I get it, iata please leave it be now, I decided to link ella this post as it hit twitter and i was worried she would hear about it anyway, we will be working to reach a compromise.
Update 2 (FROM OP'S COUSIN): "WIBTA if I refused to attend my cousins wedding after she asked me to dye my ginger hair?"
Yes I'm aware that my cousin posted here and oh the irony as i showed her this sub last year, but I really don't care if she sees this, maybe it'll hammer the point home. And I doubt she will see it as they are currently on their pre wedding honeymoon, legit didn't even know those were a thing.
So Amy is getting married, she has a blue and green and purple theme for the wedding. People are supposed to wear these colours including the moh and the bridesmaids. What irked me about that post was that my hair is NOT FLAMING MERIDA RED.
maybe slightly more [ginger] (https://ibb.co/w4yrCCk) in low light This whole thing is completely insane to me and I have no idea where it has come from.
My hair [2] (https://ibb.co/3BVPgBf) 3 is what i would describe as strawberry blonde, maybe ginger blonde. Those are actual picture's of my hair not some poor stranger's instagram.
Things have been awkward from the start with Amy demanding that everyone has to stick to this dress code or they will be barred by security at the damn door. She has also asked anyone with hair past their waist to cut it in a Facebook post but it got no replies and I can't think of anyone except me and maybe my sister with super long hair.
My mum and dad are both way more ginger than me and my sister who is 8 months pregnant, hair is not much shorter than mine and is super ginger, and Amy never asked her to touch her hair? if anything I got the dull hair gene.
At first Amy called up to tell me she had made a post here, I took a look and had to laugh to be honest, She linked me early on clearly thinking people would agree with her but she said she was worried because it blew up.
After things went south she decided to try and "negotiate" with me, still completely bizarre as my hair is not merida red. My mum and dad called round a few days back to talk about it but got absolutely nowhere with her as she's still insisting i dye my hair a dark brown for the day or get a wig.
My aunt, Amy's mom called to apologise to me and asked me to please come but I don't feel welcome, can you imagine attending a wedding where the bride stares daggers at you the whole time?
and what if the security refuse to let me in these are extremely similar to the gowns the bridesmaids are going to wear, I've tired mine on and it absolutely dose not clash at all. I brought and paid for my dress so I don't owe her anything but our families are so upset that I'm dropping out.
But if I go I have no choice except to dye my hair as there never was a compromise or middle ground, it was dye it, buy a short brown bob wig or don't come. She specified it has to be a short brown bob wig for some reason.
WIBTA if I just say f%$# it and stay home. EDIT also to be fair i dyed a small strand underneath to test how it washed out 4 weeks ago, it is STILL DARK BROWN
Here's what people had to say to OP's cousin:
NTA. I love it, LOVE IT when we get to hear both sides of an AITA thread, I kinda live for that sort of drama lol! Everyone made it clear to your cousin that she was a bridezilla, don't bother to go if she hasn't realized how insane her expectations are!
freakingmerida cousin responded:
I'm worried I'm letting the rest of the family down, cutting my nose off to spite my face kind of thing.
HOLY S%$# I REMEMBER THAT POST AND YOUR COUSIN IS CRAZY!!
Seriously though, NTA. Your hair is gorgeous and you shouldn't change it for anyone, least of all a bridezilla! I'm glad your family is on your side :)
freakingmerida cousin responded:
I dyed a small strand a few weeks ago to see how it washed out, it's still dark brown and it weirdly messed with the texture too.
Dude! That is so s^&*%y! Try using some conditioners designed to rehydrate bleach damaged hair. Also leave-in conditioners. That will at least help the texture a little.
ETA: there are also dye stripping products, but you should check with a hair stylist on what they recommend since some of them can do even more damage when used incorrectly.
reakingmerida cousin responded:
my natural hair is awfully frizzy it just made that strip feel weird...almost slimy?
NTA Your hair is beautiful and honestly I think she's probably jealous of your hair which is why she wants you to change it.
She always makes fun of my hair for being frizzy though