Bride called AH for not letting MIL plan wedding; says, 'I feel like I'm ruining things.'
"AITA for wanting to plan MY wedding?"
My (22f) fiance's mom is extremely controlling. She has been taking various pictures of him throughout his life and has almost documented every second of his existence. Up until he was 17, she would choose what clothes he wore, and made all decisions for him, and refused to let him choose by himself.
She told him multiple times as a teen, that she would be planning his wedding and that whoever he found would "just have to be fine with that." Well, I'm not. For a while now, I've been wanting to plan my wedding. Like.. any normal bride would.
My soon to be MIL, immediately after my fiance proposed, almost started talking to me like I was her child. She told me where I'd be having my wedding, and sent me some wedding dress styles I could choose from. I immediately told her no, and said that it was my wedding, and she didn't have any right to control aspects of it.
She was very angry, and told me that I was an AH for not letting her "live out her dream." But, nevertheless, I continued to plan MY wedding. Everything went sideways when I decided I did not want photos being taken during the ceremony by anyone else but the photographer. I would like everyone attending to be mentally and emotionally present and be respectful of everyone’s view.
To be clear, I don't mean no photos for the whole wedding, I just mean for the ceremony and the first dance. Guests will have permission to take pictures after that, but I want them to keep their cameras down, and enjoy the ceremony.
I texted her and explained this to her. She was absolutely furious and said that I was insane and that she would not be following my wishes. She's gone no contact for the past few days, despite me trying multiple times to explain. I have a feeling she's never going to let me have the day how I want it.
At this point I'm considering telling her that if she can't accept my wedding for how it is, then she doesn't need to attend. I know that she will want to take a bunch of group photos, that I don't know we have time for, and may cause unnecessary chaos regardless.
Am I an AH? Should I have just let her take pictures? I feel like I'm ruining things with her, but she won't let me plan my wedding the way I want it.
Here's what the top commenters had to say about this one:
Mitoisreal said:
Nta. You gotta do this now, or she's gonna steamroll you forever. But also..you bf needs to back you up. If he doesn't, you're better off not marrying him.
Aggressive-Mind-2085 said:
NTA. This is easy: If your partner can't have your back in this, don't marry him. "She's gone no contact for the past few days"...sounds like a win.
franticferret4 said:
NTA. Tell your fiancé to talk with her. He can tell her the two of you want photos of the guests faces during the ceremony, not the guests holding up their phones in front of their faces. Chances are she’ll take photos anyways btw. (Something to know and let go so it won’t bother you on the wedding day)
Temporary-King3339 said:
NTA. Oh honey! You aren't ruining things with her, she'd doing a fine Job all on her own, but it puts you in a tough place. I hope your fiancé is backing you up. I would simply not engage, but continue to plan your wedding. You can not reason with a toxic and manipulative narcissist as they will move the finish line and pull in every flying monkey that is afraid of her and kowtows to her.
Please contact all vendors, bridal salon etc, involved with the wedding and make sure that you create a password that only you know to verify changes. Don't tell your fiancé as he could accidentally tell his mom.
I got married in 1996 so cell phones weren't an issue, but I would be furious and disappointed if people stood up in my ceremony to take cell phone pics. I hope you have a wonderful wedding. Your future MIL was my mom. Made my brother go NC, and it's no surprise I didn't get married until after she died. Some people truly have no shame or empathy.
CautiousCanvas said:
NTA, but I would honestly think long and hard about marrying him. He's been conditioned to do what his mom wants. You don't make any mentions of him standing up for you, or denying his mother's absurd demands.
THIS WILL BE YOUR LIFE. You think it's bad now? Wait til you have kids (if y'all want them). It WILL get much worse. Either way, when you marry him, his mother will always be a part of your life. Is this truly the future you want for yourself?
Yes, therapy is an option, but there are no guarantees. It would also get worse as he discovers that shiny spine of his before it got better. I'm not telling you anything definitive, other than THINK THIS THROUGH.