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'AITA for telling my fiancé that I’ll wear makeup for the wedding if he does?'

'AITA for telling my fiancé that I’ll wear makeup for the wedding if he does?'

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"AITA for telling my fiancé that I’ll wear makeup for the wedding if he does?"

I (26F) do not wear makeup. I experimented with it as a teen but I hate the way it feels on my face and I just don’t really see the point. My face is my face and I think it’s a good one as is.

My fiancé (26M) has never complained and has always said that I look beautiful without makeup. His mother and sisters think it’s weird but no longer comment on it as I drew a very firm line in the sand about it early on.

We are currently deep in wedding planning. I’ve picked out a dress and am making arrangements for a hair stylist and such for the big day. My MIL said she would call a friend of hers that is a wonderful makeup artist and would probably cut us a deal. I said no thanks, I wasn’t planning on makeup for the wedding as I never wear it.

She tried to insist, saying that I would regret not wearing it when I saw the photos, but I held firm. I’ve seen myself in prom dresses and other fancy occasion pictures and have never wished I had worn makeup. The most I’m going to do is get a spa treatment so my skin looks it’s best.

This upset MIL and she got my fiancé involved. He asked if I would just wear make up for the ceremony and pictures. I told him I want to look at my pictures and see me. He said it would still be me just “the best version of me”.

Which pissed me off, not going to lie, so I asked him if he was going to wear makeup to look like “the best version” of himself. He said no, so I told him that I will make him a deal: the only way I would wear makeup is if he also wore makeup tit for tat in a masculine style. I wear lipstick, he wears lipstick.

I wear foundation, he wears foundation. His can be completely neutral, but he has to wear it for the day and do the test run and everything the stylist wants.

He said I was being unreasonable but couldn’t come up with a reason why the pictures would look better if I wore make up but not him, so he stormed off. SIL sent me a text telling me I was delusional if I didn’t think I needed makeup and to suck it up for one day.

Most of my girl friends are on my side and world’s best MOH is ready to throw hands, but some people think it’s usual to wear makeup for formal e occasions and I’m being precious about it. My brother thinks my conditions were emasculating to my fiancé. AITA?

Here's what people had to say to OP:

clammypa writes:

NTA. I’m from an older generation where make up was much much more the norm and I still don’t understand why your fiancé would want you to wear make up except that maybe he just wants to please his mother, which is a problem and its own right. You have traditionally not worn make up, and your fiancé knows that and has been comfortable with it.

You prefer it this way and let’s face it, it makes life a lot easier, not having to mess with that in terms of putting it on and then taking it off. You both think you have a pretty face without the make up . I think people get really hung up on what the norm is for the time.

It’s normal for brides to get their hair done up and to have their make up done professionally for the wedding. This doesn’t make it right. It just makes it something that people expect to see, even if half of the time, the hair is overdone, and the makeup makes her look like a clown .

Stand your ground and try to get an understanding of where your fiancé is coming from. Does he really want to see the make up on you or is he just trying to please mommy. Either way there is a problem, but knowing the why works of it can tell you the exact nature of the problem.

If he’s just preferring that this be a more normal wedding with the bride all made up, you can deal with that head on. If he has mommy issues, that’s a whole Nother ball of wax!

All of that being said, I see no problem with you telling him that you will wear make up if he does, although honestly, I would’ve originally suggested that you just stand your ground.

[deleted]

NTA. Also, be careful of doing a spa treatment or anything different to your face routine. The last thing you want is to break out right before your wedding.

OP responded:

I do the same thing every other month, so I know it’s safe. I just decided to schedule one right before the wedding because my skin feels amazing afterward and I figured I’d get a massage and some other things done for relaxation while I’m there.

INFO: Why would him wearing makeup change your feelings about not wanting to wear makeup?

OP responded:

Solidarity. He knows I hate wearing makeup. He’s asking me to do something I loathe and that makes me very uncomfortable on my wedding day. The least he can do is show me he’s willing to share in the discomfort.

Also, I wanted him to really think about it instead of just parroting his mom and a good way to do that is having to imagine it happening to you.

INFO: Who is paying for this wedding?

OP responded:

I’m paying 100% of the wedding as I’m in a better financial position than him or his family. His contribution is the honeymoon as he has some perks through work that mean we can have a very nice one for much less. His family have not contributed anything. I know what makeup feels like on my face. I don’t need to try it yet again.

psychogol writes:

NTA. Good for you for standing your ground. I wear makeup myself, but apparently I don't wear enough for my family because they are always telling me to wear more. Fortunately my friends have my back and tell my family members that that's incredibly sexist if they overhear these conversations.

Your wedding is by you, for you, and about you. There is no reason on Earth to do something that you don't want to do or that makes you uncomfortable to please someone else. Doing something that makes you uncomfortable or you didn't want to do to please someone else on one of the biggest days of your life would be the mistake here.

Fiancee needs to learn to set boundaries with his family who are probably pressuring him into taking their side or successfully convincing him that they know more about these things than he does.

Maybe he genuinely thinks they know more about "feminine things" and believes that they are right that you will regret it if you don't wear makeup. But he needs to learn to set boundaries just like you have, and to trust his wife's judgement.

You are in the right here and he is in the wrong. If he does somehow get made up in a way, that is not really noticeable, I would hate for you to have to put that crap on your face if you would prefer not to. Good luck.

kittygathat writes:

NTA. But I would circle back to your finance and ask him to truly explain that “best version of you” comment. Because he is never going to be with that version. Even if you did this for your wedding day, he would never see that version of you ever again. So I would ask him very seriously what the f he is talking about.

Because I would be putting my foot down and letting him know that this is honestly a dealbreaker for you and if he is going to be weird and passive aggressive and resentful about you not wearing makeup that you need to know now...

because you will never have this conversation again and you need him to know and understand that you will not broker having a partner who thinks you are less than because you aren’t maybe it’s maybelline-ing.

And then tell him to get his mom and sister to shut the f up because they are wearing out their welcome to your wedding. If he can’t have your back on something like this — something that has absolutely no stakes!! — he will never have your back.

aphobod writes:

NTA. I can definitely sympathise with hating the way makeup feels. I really don't see why your choice to not wear any is being treated like such a big deal outside of social expectation of being what a bride or woman in general is 'supposed' to do to be prettier for everyone else to look at.

That seems to be how your boyfriend and in-laws see it, too, considering his comment about wearing make-up being 'the best version' of you.

Your sister-in-law's comment about you being delusional for not thinking you need it was also uncalled for and implies she thinks you are ugly/is trying to make you feel that way in order to force you to give in.

If your brother mentions how wearing makeup would 'emasculate' your fiance again, bring up a stereotypically masculine celebrity he likes and point out that they will also have been wearing make-up during movie shoots, concerts, etc.

Your fiance said that you need to wear makeup on your wedding day to be "the best version of you" and you're still marrying him? Big yikes.

OP responded:

He’s been really great up until we started planning the wedding, but I’m pretty mad about the “best version” comment and he has yet to apologize. I’m not very impressed with how he’s been refereeing his family since the planning started anyway, but his mom has been especially nosy and pushy so I can understand that this is a stressful period of time.

He is VERY aware of my feelings about that comment. I in fact would have been happy to get married in jeans and the white wedding was what he wanted. If he made it about being the “best version” of myself instead of what he wanted for himself, we would not be having this conversation because that would have ended the planning until we had hashed it out.

The best version of myself is the surgical resident in scrubs in an operating room, not a painted up doll in a dress. That is the worst version of me. If he disagrees with that, it’s just not going to work. He rates my superficial appearance above who I am as a person and I won’t tolerate that.

If he apologizes for the comment and we have a productive talk about boundaries that results in him putting his foot down with his mom and sister, it’s salvageable. If he’s not willing to do that, the wedding is off and probably the relationship. At this point, I may be throwing a “Whew, that was close!” gala, we’ll see.

I’ve told him I’m not moving forward until we have a calm, sit down conversation about it after a couple of days to think things through. I think it’s salvageable if he’s willing to admit his comment was out of line and set some boundaries with his family, because this is all not really in character for the person I know and I want to hear what’s driving it. If we can’t even get that far, then the wedding is off.

This is a hill I will absolutely die on. I do not wear makeup. I will not be physically uncomfortable during my own wedding that I am paying for. I’ve allowed everything else to be what he likes because it’s important to him and I don’t really care about weddings that much. This is my one a completely ironclad boundary in the whole thing and the one thing in the wedding that is for me.

Sources: Reddit
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