Bride threatens sister at wedding; 'If you don't leave immediately I'm calling security.' AITA? UPDATED

When this bride is furious with her sister, she asks the internet:

"AITA for kicking my sister out of my wedding because she did not follow the color scheme?"

When I 25F was 9, my parents adopted my sister “Jen” who was 7 at the time. Jen was thin and fearful due to being neglected. We did everything to make her feel loved. We bought her lots of toys. Everything Jen wanted, she got.

When my parents asked me to move to the smaller bedroom so Jen could have my room, I was happy to. When they asked if I would let Jen pick the decorations and cake for my upcoming birthday, I agreed. I was so happy to have a sister, and I understood why my parents gave her special treatment.

Only the treatment didn’t stop. For years, every trip we went on, we had to do what Jen wanted to do. We had to eat where she wanted to eat. And she got to plan all MY birthday parties. If she didn’t get what she wanted, she threw a tantrum.

I still felt loved and cared for by my parents–they drove me to practices, bought me things, cooked meals for me, spent quality time and gave me advice, but I was always second to Jen.

As I got older, I did anything I could to leave the house. I got my first job when I was 12. I vacationed with friends instead of family. I played three different sports and did band. I took my driver’s test the DAY I turned 16 and bought a car the day after. I went to college on the other side of the country.

Now that I make good money, I do things I missed as a child. I take fancy vacations and throw elaborate parties as I please. My wedding was no exception. My fiancée “Kip” and I wanted everything to be perfect.

We thought it would be fun to have a color scheme. My favorite color is yellow, and his is blue, so my guests would wear yellow, his would wear blue, and mutual friends would wear green. I picked out a dress with green embroidered details, and he picked a boutonniere with green flowers.

When Jen found out about this, she was mad. I didn’t know this, but she hates yellow and it “washes her out.” She told me under no circumstances would she wear yellow. I shrugged and said that was fine–I would just kick her out if she did not wear yellow.

There was no further discussion, but on my wedding day Jen came in a purple dress. I told her to leave immediately. The color scheme was perfect and she ruined it. Jen refused to leave until I threatened to call security.

The rest of the wedding went smoothly, but afterwards my parents were furious with me for kicking Jen out. I told them that I warned her she would be kicked out if she didn’t follow the color scheme, but they said they all thought it was a joke.

They said it was cruel of me to kick my sister out over something so trivial. I told them this was MY wedding that I threw without their support, so I can kick out whoever I want to.

Kip came rushing to defend me and even told my parents they should be ashamed of how they treated me, but over the past few days, a lot of people I’ve talked to–grandparents, aunts, uncles, friends, have been mixed. Some say they wouldn’t have even invited Jen if they were me, while others think I should have let it slide. AITA?

Edit: (contest mode is over and I can finally edit) I want to make a few things clear.

1-I figured people would assume this, but I did NOT ask my guests to dress head to toe in their assigned color. I completely understand that people might not have yellow formalwear laying around.

I said to dress in only neutral colors and/or your assigned color, so someone could wear a black dress and yellow jewelry, a blacks suit and a yellow tie, etc, but no colors outside neutral or your assigned color. 3-I invited Jen because she is family, and I honestly thought she was more mature than this. I did not know she hated the color yellow when I chose the color scheme.

Additional information from OOP

EDIT: Two things for everyone to know:

1--Jen was the only person to not follow the color scheme.

2--We didn't ask people to come in head to toe yellow/blue/green. To get into specifics, we asked that if people did not own those colors, they could wear neutral formalwear with a tie/necklace/accessory in their assigned color. AITA?

Before we give you OP's updates, let's take a look at some top responses:

Commenter 1: NTA. The question here isn’t whether or not a color scheme is stupid. It very well could be but it’s also becoming the norm. And frankly, if you don’t like it, you don’t have to attend the event.

But what you don’t get to do is say a color scheme is stupid so I’ll make up my own rules and force the couple being married to let me in. Jen was stupid here. OP, you did the right thing in kicking her out.

Her feelings, that she can dictate the rules for your wedding, aren’t any worse than you having those rules in place. In short, f Jen, she got what she wanted in the end.

ironche writes:

Dictating what your guests wear beyond simply black tie or evening or whatever is just obnoxious. You grossly overthought this blue/yellow/green thing and forced it on your guests.

That all said, the real kicker with your post is all the irrelevant backstory that serves only to show what a massive chip on your shoulder you’re carrying around with you to this day. You have issues you need to work through. YTA.

Commenter 2: NTA. I have been to weddings where the bride and groom wanted a color scheme. To date I have not known of anyone who had such a problem that they showed up in a different color just for spite.

Because make no mistake about it, that is exactly why your sister showed up in purple, pure spite. If the color yellow was really the problem, she could have asked to wear blue.

Instead, she showed up in purple with the express intention of upstaging the bride and groom and causing a scene, knowing all the time that your parents would back her up.

Your parents have been shitty to you ever since your sister showed up. Time to call them and your sister out for their obnoxious behavior and blatant favoritism.

utelawu writes:

YTA. Guests that aren't members of the wedding party shouldn't need to abide a color scheme. You're also the AH for loading the first half of the post with irrelevant information in an attempt to bias readers against your sister.

culpab writes:

ESH. I agree that Jen's tantrum was uncalled for. But why are you making your guests conform to a colour code?

They are already taking time out of their day to attend your event and probably spending money on a gift for you. Why are you also potentially asking them to spend money on clothes in colours that they might never wear again?

They are your honoured guests, not actors in a stage play that you are directing. And you know what? Directors of plays at least have the courtesy to pay for the costumes they expect people to wear.

You and your intended are expecting your honoured guests to foot the bill. This is really selfish. You and your intended have a little bit of growing up to do.

cri23 writes:

NTA. I fully believe asking people to wear ONE color for a wedding is hard, especially when the colors are blue and yellow and green as opposed to like black, and that people can't even choose of those 3 colors, but are assigned ONE color.

Now, if you allowed prints or like a black suit with a blue shirt and tie, then I take that back fully because there has to be flexibility here- like how would a dude even find a yellow suit, and if he did, having to buy a yellow suit to be a guest at a wedding is a big ask.

I have been to themed weddings where I had to buy colors, I have been part of a wedding party so had to buy an exact dress, and I've gone to really themed weddings where I had to buy a flapper dress (roaring 20s) or a Halloween wedding where I had to wear a costume.

So having to get a specific outfit for a wedding isn't the worst thing ever, it just needs to have some reasonableness (aka, if the dress is yellow with purple flowers, deal with it).

Now, your sister didn't just wear like a patterned dress instead of yellow, she wore something fully off theme, and you knew she did ONLY because yellow wasn't her color and she didn't care to even try to be on the theme.

That is what makes you NTA. She didn't care to follow the dress code AT ALL and didn't heed your warnings that she would be kicked out. So this wasn't an accident, and therefore she doesn't deserve any grace.

Then you add in the treatment over the years and that you getting ONE thing that is all yours, and her inability to buy a yellow dress for her sister's wedding fully makes you NTA.

As the sister of the bride, she would have joined millions of women who buy a dress that doesn't look good on them and they won't wear again to show up for someone that they love/matters to them.

agaho writes:

YTA. I get that you're pissed that she 'ruined' your 'perfect' color scheme, but that doesn't matter. Color schemes that are REQUIRED and not simply requested---and throwing someone out for not acquiescing--move you firmly to the asshole spot.

And I call BS on your edit that someone could wear a black dress with yellow jewelry and you'd have been okay with it. How is a black dress any better for your 'perfect color scheme' than purple? Unless, of course, it is really just JEN not following your orders that's your problem.

ech writes:

ESH, Y T A for having a color scheme wedding, but your sister is also AH for choosing not to follow it instead of just not coming.

Honestly anybody that excepts GUESTS to buy a dress/suite in a specific color just for their wedding simply so that the photos look good, or whatever BS reason, are extremely self-centered people, especially when one of the colors is yellow, which is a VERY hard color for lots of people to look good in so the clothes they buy in that color for your wedding would only be bought for your wedding.

Personally if I was invited to a wedding like this I would decline the invite (even if I had clothes of the right color) on principle. Your sister is an AH for showing up in the wrong color instead of just not coming.

Update:

Update: First, thanks for all of your comments. I felt so guilty the past few days and was worried it would carry into my honeymoon, but you have helped me realize that I am not the bad guy and it is okay that I responded the way I did.

Last night my parents reached out to me and asked if all the things Kip said–about how they should be ashamed–were true. At that point I told them how my upbringing had impacted me, and how my wedding was supposed to make up for the parties I never had as a kid, the decisions I never got to make.

For the first time, I was able to call all of the shots and make everything exactly the way I wanted it to be. I even showed them this post and how most of you responded to help reinforce what I said. My parents said they had absolutely no idea how deeply their treatment had affected me.

This is somewhat fair because I never really talked to them about it, but at the same time, I feel like they should have wondered why I left home as soon as I could, never came back, and hardly ever texted/called them.

They said they feel so sorry about it, and are now planning a vacation with them, myself, and Kip for next summer to make up for it. I’m trying not to get my hopes up, but at least now it looks like they’re making an effort.

As for Jen, according to my parents she really struggled to make friends in middle school and high school. I didn’t know this because I practically lived with my high school bf my sophomore/junior year of high school and then graduated early, and Jen repeated a year in elementary school due to trauma so we were 5 grades apart despite only being 2.5 years apart.

My parents tried putting her in therapy, but she wouldn’t cooperate. College was a slap in the face for her when she realized the world didn’t revolve around her–she had to live in the same 7x9’ room with plaster walls and linoleum floors as everyone else. She dropped out after a year and tried getting a job, but got fired after a few months.

At that point my parents realized they really fd up. They told Jen she had to either go to intensive therapy or they would kick her out. According to my parents, she’s now taking classes at a community college and hoping to transfer to a four year institution. She’s doing better for the most part, though she occasionally lashes out.

I’m glad Jen is getting the help she needs and working towards a career, and excited about potentially going on a trip with my parents and husband (while also knowing they might bail). I’m open to having more of a relationship with them, but I don’t think we’ll ever be a super tight knit family. Some wounds are too deep.

But instead of dwelling on the past, I’m looking towards my future–starting a family with Kip, and making sure I don’t make the same mistakes my parents did.