'AITA for uninviting my dad’s best friend’s entire family from my wedding?' UPDATED
"AITA for uninviting my dad’s best friend’s entire family from my wedding?"
I 28(f) got married to my best friend and the kindest man I have known last week after being together for 6 years. Everything was just downright perfect and beautiful, except for one tiny detail.
My ex from when I was 21 was my dad’s best friend’s son, we will call him “Max”. Max and I were friends for 8 years and dated for 3. We broke up shortly after my birthday after he cheated on me with some girl from his college.
I only found out when I visited him. He went on a rampage (ok exaggeration), but you get the point, and started saying that he was in LOVE with this girl and that he felt that I was manipulative.
Mind you, this was also shortly after my miscarriage. I was pregnant and Max ignored any of my calls or texts for 2 weeks and didn’t even bother to show up at the hospital even after his sister informed him. He was pretty emotionally ab^%$ve which I only realised after I met my husband “Dennis”.
I am still close to the family of my dad’s best friend because they have been nothing but kind to me even though their son is a b&$%h. His mother always hyped me up when we were dating and even after we broke up. So I wanted them to be there, I asked my dad if it’ll be rude to leave out my ex from the invite that was going to the family as a whole.
My dad said it wouldn’t be rude but might come off as a little petty. Dennis didn’t see a problem with Max coming so he asked me to just invite the whole family +2 in case my ex and his brother wanted to bring someone along. (His sister has her medical exams so she already informed that she wouldn’t be able to participate)
I sent the invite and a week later they sent their RSVP. But I started to panic when I saw the name of the girl my ex-BF cheated on me with as his plus 1. It came as a shock because his mom told me that Max and this girl had broken up soon after college ended.
I was hyperventilating because somewhere it still hurts, he was the first guy I got really emotionally involved with and have only ever been with him and Dennis. I called my mom and dad and they asked me to just uninvite Max if his presence will ruin my big day and they’re sure his best friend’s family would understand.
I called up Max’s mom and explained to her how it was affecting me and she said that she’s doubtful it is possible since he still claims that he is no longer with that girl (she looks exactly like her, I could spot her even in a whole crowd).
But she understands and would talk to Max but thinks it is unfair to uninvite over something that happened over 7 years ago, I said “okay” and then proceeded to uninvite all of them over text.
My parents and brother think that I shouldn’t have uninvited all of them and what I did was rude and petty. Max’s mother and my dad’s best friend are also upset about my decision but they say that they understand and still sent me a wedding gift.
Some of the people in my dad’s circle are calling me and Dennis a^%les and petty for not having the people who have only shown me kindness and loved me like one of their own. My best friend told me that I should just put it on reddit if I am still in two minds about what I did, so here I am. AITA?
Let's see what readers thought.
oceanbre writes:
Max’s mom told you she understood, but then said she thought it was “unfair” to uninvite him. So she obviously did NOT understand that her son cheating on you & on top of it bringing the girl he cheated with was wrong. No wonder you disinvited them. NTA.
Who tells a bride it’s “unfair” to not want the guy that cheated on you at your wedding?? And with the girl he cheated with?? If it was their daughter, you can bet she would feel differently. They may be kind and love you, but regarding your wedding she definitely didn’t love you like her own.
So disrespectful that people in your dad’s circle are gossiping about it (middle school behavior), especially when the core reason Max’s family was disinvited they probably don’t even know. Congrats on your marriage, it sounds like you ended up with the right guy!
sss8a writes:
This is a tough one, but ESH - you more than everybody else. You made the initial mistake of inviting Max despite your inner turmoil on this. You let you parents and fiance talk you into this (that is their AH part) despite your misgivings.
And you could have invited everyone in the family but him by specifying that on the invite. It would have been petty, but understandable. But since you invited him, you cannot police who he is going to bring as a plus one.
Uninviting the whole family was an extreme overreaction, despite his mom probably lying to you that she did not remember the woman. I hope you can move on from this faux pas.
naugtclu writes:
YTA. It sounds like Max's family has been nothing but supportive participants in your life. It was stupid for you to extend the invitation to Max to begin with.
If it was a misunderstanding and he wasn't invited, just added on from other family, you should have contacted them and made it clear he's not welcome. It was an as%$&le move to send him an invitation and retaliate against his entire family when he accepted.
chichou writes:
NTA it’s extremely rude and inappropriate that they would think your ex should even be at your wedding. And how they behaved after shows exactly why you uninvited them.
Your wedding is about you and your fiancé And it is supposed to be the happiest day of your life. Of course you don’t want an ex there that you don’t have a relationship with anymore. You want to be surrounded by people you love, and that love and support you.
When his mother said, it shouldn’t have been a big deal because it was seven years ago… you should’ve told her …it may have been seven years ago but I will never forget how it felt to be abandoned when I was losing my child after finding out that the person I thought I was going to spend my life with cheated on me.
Then ask her how she would feel if that happened to her? Ask her if she would ever want to be around the person who betrayed her and left her to suffer a miscarriage in agony?
massivepod writes:
YTA - Why would you invite a whole family , then un invite them over their son . He’s your ex, it was stupid to invite him in the first place. But to cancel the invite for the rest of them ? You seem exhausting and you scream drama .
floorp writes:
NTA. They witnessed their son abandon you and cheat on you. The fact that they would ever consider it appropriate for him to bring that woman as a plus 1 to your wedding is highly suspect. If that's how little they think of you, then you made the right decision to uninvite them. They were not showing you love and kindness in that moment, so why would you want them there?
Tell your parents and brother very firmly that you are not interested in them shaming you for removing people who would have made your day worse by attending. Max's parents chose to allow Max to mess with you by RSVPing with that woman who he's apparently not even dating anymore - he did not have good intentions with that action.
He wanted to mess with your head. It is blatantly obvious. And the way Max's mother demeaned your feelings about it has shown an ugly side to her character that you're not interested in associating with. Let them call you petty - you're not going to be emotionally abused by any member of that family, and if that makes you petty, fine.
fleeaagh writes:
I understand that you didn’t want to see the two of them together at your wedding, but you handled this so poorly. You shouldn’t have invited your ex in the first place, much less with a date. You should have told his parents they were uninvited verbally, not over text.
You could have had an actual discussion with his mother on whether the plus one is the cheating partner (surely his mother would know if they’ve been together for seven years?) You should have warned your parents prior to uninviting their close friends. Ultimately choosing to uninvite was worse than initially excluding. I’d call you ungracious rather than TA but since you asked, in this situation YTA
Over a year later OP came back with this update, "Play Stupid Games, Win a Custom Diploma":
I know this update has taken longer than usual, but I promise it was so worth it! I apologize in advance because this is a long one. Before I dive into this update, I want to preface it with two important things.
1. My mother-in-law (MIL) never received formal education beyond the 10th grade because the patriarch of her family deemed it a waste of money. She was married off at 17, had my husband at 19, and endured an abusive marriage. Despite everything, she worked as a sewage cleaner just so my husband could receive a proper education at an English school. This will be relevant later.
2. I also need you to read the linked post because, honestly, I don’t care if I come across as the a-hole in this story.
After Dennis and I returned from our honeymoon in India, basking in the love and blessings of his extended family, we decided on the advice of some people who commented here to extend an olive branch to my dad’s best friend’s family, who also happen to be my ex’s family. Guilt played a role in that decision too.
My MIL, being the kind-hearted woman she is, insisted on buying them expensive gifts because, in her words, you never visit family empty-handed. And when I say expensive, I mean it. Karen’s gift was a freaking Sabyasachi dress because my MIL, believes in giving from the heart.
We arranged to meet at a fine dining restaurant equidistant for everyone. Dennis and I arrived first to secure our spot. About 10–15 minutes later, they walked in. As Karen hugged Dennis, she scrunched up her nose and said, "Oh my god, what is that smell?"
Then, when she hugged me, she beamed and said, "You smell delightful, my darling." Dennis and I exchanged the look you know the kind that says, did she really just say that? We were wearing the exact same scent.
We let it slide and sat down. Dennis handed them the gifts, explaining that they were from his mother. While Karen’s husband, daughter, and son seemed genuinely appreciative, Karen, without missing a beat, asked, "Oh, what about Max?" That was strike two. I told her I didn’t think it was appropriate, given that he wasn’t here and considering our history.
She sighed loudly, as if she were trying to launch the next NASA rocket, and muttered, "Oh well, what else can you expect from illiterate folks?" That was strike three.
Dennis is incredibly protective of his mom. She gave up everything for him. I could see he was still trying to keep the peace, but I wasn’t. Just as I opened my mouth, Dennis squeezed my hand and shook his head. Karen’s family looked mortified.
The night dragged on with Karen slipping in one passive-aggressive remark after another. At one point, she smirked and said, "I’m so glad you could accept all that culture... and the smell that comes with it." I wanted to walk out.
But a small part of me hoped she was just lashing out because I had uninvited them from our wedding. Maybe this would pass. That hope shattered when I noticed Karen’s eyes repeatedly darting toward the restaurant entrance. Something felt off.
Then, in the middle of our appetizers, I heard a voice that made my stomach drop. "Hope I’m not late to the party." I froze. Karen lit up. "Oh, of course not! Why don’t you sit next to her?" I turned to Dennis. I knew, we both knew, Karen had just screwed herself. My ex, Max, grinned and said, "I want you to know that I just put the +1 to screw with you.
Mum knew." Before I could even process that, Karen reached across the table, placed a hand on mine, and said something that will haunt me forever. "Honey, I know you’re upset, but let’s be real that child was dead before it was even born. It wasn’t even a loss. You two were such a wonderful couple... maybe it’s time to grow up and move on. I mean, he never hit you."
For a moment, I felt nothing. I knew Karen was still talking, but all I could hear was this deafening ringing in my ears. It was like I was 21 again, trying to convince myself that my pain was real. That my loss was real. Then, suddenly, Dennis slammed his hand against the table. Hard. The entire restaurant fell silent. I looked up.
Karen’s family looked like they wanted the earth to swallow them whole. Max’s sister kept mouthing "Sorry." Dennis turned to Karen and said, "We tried to keep the peace... but we forgot the Devil doesn’t want peace." He reached across the table, grabbed the gift bag from Karen’s side, and said, "I’ll just unburden you. You wouldn’t want a gift from my ‘uneducated’ mother anyway."
Then, looking at the rest of the family, he added, "You’re free to keep yours." Karen gasped mouth agape, eyes wide like she was starring in a low-budget soap opera. Dennis wasn’t done. He paid for everyone’s meal except for Karen’s and the one she had ordered for Max. Then, he took my hand and led me out of that restaurant.
And that should have been the end of it. But see, I wasn’t done. Honestly, I would’ve been had she not gone around talking s%$# about both mine and Dennis’ family. Since Karen loves to look down on my MIL’s "lack of education," I thought, why not give her a little taste of her own medicine? Karen’s always bragging about her prestigious university days, despite the fact that she never actually graduated.
So I had an idea purely educational, of course. I called up the alumni office of said university (thank you, internet), and oh boy, turns out Karen wasn’t exactly an honor student more like honorably dismissed after failing multiple courses.
So, being the gracious, thoughtful person I am, I arranged for a lovely little surprise: a beautifully framed, custom-printed "diploma" stating that Karen successfully completed her PhD… in Being an Ignorant, Classist A*%. I even threw in a gold seal and Latin gibberish for effect.
Then, I had it shipped directly to her house. But not just to her, oh no, that would be too simple. I made sure that a copy was delivered to her workplace, labeled as an "urgent certificate for professional recognition" so that HR and every single one of her colleagues would see it first. And the best part? She had to sign for it herself.
I wasn’t there to see her reaction, but according to sources (aka her gorgeous daughter who called Dennis laughing), Karen nearly burst a blood vessel trying to figure out how to spin it before everyone knew she wasn’t just an insufferable snob but a fraud too.
Moral of the story? If you’re going to look down on someone’s education, make sure yours actually exists first and make sure you don’t do it in the presence of someone who has known you for 25+ years.
In the comments OP added this:
This is the dress in case anyone is interested: https://in.pinterest.com/pin/675610381629558755/
This post only had one comment:
That dress is GORGEOUS ? I know nothing about fashion/brands so I'll take your word on it being $$$, but it is so stylish. Crazy bitch talked herself out of that ?
Now to get serious :( I had a miscarriage when I was 29.I was happily married (still am) with a one year old daughter and your feeling of grief, feeling like it was unreal, did this really happen, am I mourning a figment of my own imagination? 100% felt the same way.
I hate that sometimes I still feel like I am the only person in the world that knows/cares that my baby existed, and he would have been turning 18 years old this year ?
All I can say is, your loss is real and I'm sorry that piece of s&^% human said something so nasty to you. I guess karma works in mysterious ways.... or we can just call him Dennis in this case ♡ BTW you are NOT the a&^le. I hope you have a very long, happy, and fulfilling life with Dennis. Congrats on the wedding ?