'AITA for telling my sister she doesn’t have to come to my wedding?' UPDATED 2X
"AITA for telling my sister she doesn’t have to come to my wedding?"
My sister has two children, an 8yo and a new born. Our wedding (1.5 years away) is supposed to be child free with the exception of siblings because my fiancé and I both have large age gaps between us and our siblings, he has a 3, 4, and 12 year old brother, and I have a teenage brother.
I also have my sister and older brother. Obviously we want our siblings at our wedding, even if they’re kids and it breaks our child free rule.
For our wedding, we’re renting out a huge Airbnb for a week (a literal mansion) where the wedding and reception will be and invited all immediate family to stay with us for the week as our first family vacation as an official family.
I love my nephews, I really really do, but my fiancé and I wanted to plan a bunch of adult/ couples events like wine tasting, ebike tours, snorkeling etc. and I don’t want kids with me when we do it.
The host was nice enough to match us with some babysitters that he frequently works with for events just like this, so the other kids (our younger siblings) will stay at the Airbnb with the babysitter...
but our parents know they have to pay for the babysitter (my fiancé and I are paying for all of the adult events we have planned like the wine tasting and tours etc.)
and they’re okay with it. We want them to pay for childcare simply because I don’t want to be responsible for anyones children for the entirety of the wedding and vacation afterwards. Financially or emotionally. There will be plenty of things for the kids to do at the Airbnb as well.
My sister said it’s not fair that our siblings are invited but not my nephews, and I told her if I broke the child free rule for everyone I loved, there would be no child free rule.
She told me that if I’m not allowing kids, I have to pay for childcare and find someone to stay with them for a week. I told her no. She said “I’m not paying for a babysitter” and I told her “then don’t come.”
I was pissed she was trying to manipulate me into paying for child care when I’m literally offering her an all expense vacation, the only thing she has to pay for is c h i l d c a r e for her own children.
I told if she was going to make my wedding about her, I don’t want her there. She then flipped out and called me every name she could think of so I yanked her invite all together and told her I’d send her pics of the wedding and vacation afterwards so she can see where her selfishness got her.
My family is super close to each other and I LOVE my nephews so everyone was very surprised I made the wedding child free but after I yanked my sisters invite, people started to also decline the invite.
My response has pretty much been “you aren’t punishing me the way you think you are, all you’re doing is saving me money but if you don’t come support me on my love day i expect me to go no contact.”
Now everyone is pissed. At me. I think this may have come off as a bit bridezilla but I don’t think I owe any of them anything honestly. It’s MY wedding. Am I being a selfish AH?
Edit: I don’t think I made clear that my family is holding their attendance over my head, and are saying “if you don’t invited your sister and nephews, I won’t come either.” So I told them, don’t come, but I didn’t appreciate the way they were trying to manipulate my decision so I told them if they don’t come, I’m going nc.
Edit 2: I told her she could come for the wedding and not stay for the vacation but she wanted both. I only uninvited her after she said a bunch of nasty stuff to me. The exception to the child free rule is for immediate family only. There will be things for the kids to do at the Airbnb.
And a lot of people are saying “wait till you have kids” but I would just not come to the wedding. I would chose my kids over the wedding.
To me, it’s my love day, but I understand to everyone else it’s just a stupid wedding lol, and I’m okay with that. No one has to come that doesn’t want to, and I’m okay with tabt, it’s completely understandable, but people that are not coming out of spite of the situation, I take a problem with.
UPDATE: after reading all of the comments telling me no one cares about our wedding, the vacation doesn’t sound like it’d be fun at all, I’m being controlling, I’m being a selfish and an entitled bridezilla, I clearly don’t value my family etc etc, my fiance and I have decided to cancel our wedding all together!!!
We’ll have a small ceremony for us and our parents and then my husband and I will use the big beautiful mansion we rented out as our honeymoon!! We’ll message the Airbnb host tomorrow about moving the date up. We’re very excited!! I realized neither of us wanted to cater to anyone because the only people that matter when it comes to our marriage is us!! F everyone else lol!
To everyone saying that child free wedding are “egotistical”: no one cares about your kids lol. I love kids, I really do, but no one should have to cater to your kids needs except YOU!!
Thank you all for making me realize how stupid family weddings are, we don’t need them present to have our happily ever after. We’d prefer to avoid the drama all together. That’s all!!
Edit 3: LMAOOO STOP COMING AT ME FOR CALLING IT MY LOVE DAY!!! And to those who asked, yes I did get that phrase from Grey’s Anatomy. Stop roasting me though I’ll update with families reaction to wedding cancellations tomorrow
Edit 4: omgggg i get it!! It’s not a “child free wedding” because siblings will be there!! How about this, “no children allowed except siblings”?? Is that better?? It’s all semantics that tbf don’t matter.
Before we give you OP's update, let's take a look at some of the top responses:
scarmarie6 writes:
I honestly am gonna go with NTA. Your parents agreed to pay for childcare because they understand that their children are not your responsibility, no matter how much you love them (which is enough to allow children at a child free wedding).
Your sister has a year and a half to come up with child care to attend a wedding that YOU'RE paying for. It's extremely selfish of her to expect you to pay for everything for your wedding and the entire vacation for all attendees and then to also take care of her children for her. It's also really low of her to insult you for not doing so.
All the family members backing out and picking sides are kinda acting a little toxic. Dangling their attendance over your head just so you'll cave to your sisters demands?
It makes me feel like they favorite her over you and this is supposed to be your special event? She'd STILL have to pay for childcare for her children to be watched at the Airbnb since you're not even allowing the child siblings to some events. Why is she expecting it would be different with her kids?
batweary writes:
NTA. I literally can’t stand people who act like their 2 year old Susie will remember your wedding and absolutely HAS to be there. Kids are loud. They want to run around an play, not sit and watch two people get married.
My aunt got married 7 years ago and I remember hearing a baby SCREAMING the entire ceremony. Couldn’t even hear their vows over the baby, but the mom refused to leave the room because she wanted to hear their vows. Besides, weddings often involve alcohol and a ton of drunk people + young kids is asking for chaos.
Whether or not kids are involved is up to the bride and groom. After that, everyone else needs to suck it up and find a sitter or just simply not go. It’s probably better that your family isn’t going rather than them showing up and ruining your day by pestering you about your sister throwing a fit & taking away her invite.
nobite6 writes:
YTA / ESH. You have your reasons, they can't be argued. However they are self centered reasons. If you are happy to be the AH in this situation, just stick to your justifications.
Take it with acceptance that your wants have hurt others, but if you are unwilling to compromise, don't. This is your wedding, your love day. But your choices do hurt others, and they are justified in their feelings/actions just as much as you are in yours. You are the AH, but it's also your choice.
And now, OP's 1st update:
Omgggg where do I start. I moved in with her after her kid was born and her baby daddy left (I was only 15) and lived with her for three years and helped raise her kid, but she swears it never happened!! When she moved out of my parents she took the family dog with her.
The last time she moved she asked for hell because she’s pregnant but then sat the entire time and did nothing. I had to clean hers and her sons room which both had trash up to my knees, and then pack EVERYTHING. Because her stomach hurt. Not to sound insensitive but the only time she seems to feel sick was when she had to do something.
She was about 3 months along. My fiance (bf at the time) and I offered to help her move (like actually pack up the truck and move furniture and such) and AGAIN she sat doing NOTHING the entire time. It was -5 outside and she sat in the car.
Once we were done, I got into the car and she said “oh good you’re done” and i was like “yeah. We’re done. You could’ve helped.” And she said “it’s cold” I- UGGGHHHH WAS SO MAD. But she was pregnant so I pushed through. I kept helping.
After, my “bf” and I were talking about where we wanted to eat and she started screaming at us to stfu because she’s hungry and doesn’t want to listen to people talk about food.
Omg I was mortified. He spent all day lugging furniture in negative weather and she was so rude!! Never even thanked him. Then, I was over the moon to throw her a baby shower, I love kids.
But she never sent me an invite list. I waited months and eventually made it myself because we were running out of time and she PITCHED A FIT about who I did or didn’t invite.
And then she fg uninvited me. To a babyshower i spent hundreds of dollars and hours of time planning. The only jobs she has a the pregnant mother is to make an invite list and show up on time. But she also complained about the time I planned it!! Omg I couldn’t believe it.”
OP's final update:
I sent out an email canceling the wedding “to avoid any conflicts with child care arrangements” and “we decided it wasn’t fair to people with children.” Obviously, this isn’t true, but that’s where this all began so. I didn’t tell anyone about the conflict between my sister and I, but she had already dragged half of my family into it, so they knew the situation. This is each persons reaction:
My parents: they were disappointed, but understand. My sister has always been a nightmare and we have always given her anything she wants, if for nothing else, just to shut her up.
They literally let her take the family dog just to keep her from throwing a tantrum. They’re glad that I shut her up as well as not just giving her what she wants.
His parents: they were so sad. They were really excited to have this vacation, but they’re still happy for us and understand.
Younger siblings: are fg crushed. I’m going to go on a weekend trip with them to make up for it. That seemed to cheer them up.
Sister: My fg sister, made a facebook post telling everyone what an arrogant cnt I am!! She texted me saying she never wants to see me again, but she also said that when I accidentally broke her favorite perfume.
And again when told her son he couldn’t have my cat, yes, MY cat of two years, and she told her son in front me “maybe auntie will let you take the cat when we leave” and she put me in the awkward and upsetting position of telling my nephew and sister absolutely not.
And again when I wouldn’t make her dozens of meals for her to freeze for after she gave birth. And again when I didn’t buy her a gift for her baby shower that she uninvited me to, that I PLANNED. She’ll get over it once she needs a babysitter again, like every time.
Everyone else: honestly, that’s just too much to go into. Some people are butthurt they don’t get to attend the wedding and are calling me “petty and small” (I am, idc) but some are just annoyed because this is what my sister does. This is who she is.
I decided idgaf if I’m TAH or not. It’s my wedding, my fiancé is happy with this decision, and we will do what we want. But honestly, the people calling me an asshole were usually assholes themselves (telling me I’ll get divorced, my family probably hates me...
and they should go NC with me either way, that I’m insufferable, that I hate kids, that I’m a bad aunt, that I should never have kids, that I’m entitled etc etc) and I don’t think I should cater to people like that lol. Thanks for helping me realize how ungrateful people are!!