Bride forced to wear cheap replacement after MIL cuts up wedding dress into a million pieces. AITA? HARROWING UPDATE
When this woman is in absolute disbelief when her MIL cuts up her wedding dress, she asks the internet:
"My MIL cut up my wedding dress. AITA?"
This might sound petty or like something I should just move on from, but I just can't. my MIL was always kind of off to me. I wouldn't say we had a bad relationship, but she wasn't very welcoming or interested.
When I got engaged she didn't seem happy for us. I didn't include her in wedding planning much because we weren't close. MIL's mom asked me to so I included her in one thing and she didn't speak the whole time.
I stored my dress at their house. FIL said it was ok. Then I got the call a couple of days before the wedding that she had cut the dress into a million pieces. I literally felt like I was going to throw up.
In my mind no one could be that evil and the dress was fixable, so we went over there and no, she legit cut it into a million pieces. I really think if my husband didn't hold me back, I would have fought her. We still got married but I had to wear a cheap replacement and I couldn't stop crying the entire morning, so it was ruined for me.
MIL said she did it because she didn't get a wedding, and because she never got "her turn" and nothing was ever about her. She didn't seem to feel bad. She seemed kind of in shock she had done it, but no remorse.
Trigger warning----- the day after she did it she attempted suicide and was brought to the hospital. She got 30 day impatient and I don't know details but her dad was arrested because of something she said. FIL was also taken in for questioning but released, and she filed for divorce the day she got out.
MIL and I are pretty much no contact, but i occasionally see her at family events. She apologized once but didn't seem sorry and when my husband said he didn't want to talk to her she didn't seem to care.
She no longer talks to my husband or her daughter, but like I said we see her occasionally, and I've heard she was in intense therapy for about a year. I am still recovering from this incident.
She just got engaged and the ring is huge and gorgeous, guy seems perfect, and I am just so overwhelmed by how much I hate her and how angry I am. People keep saying it wasn't her fault, she was sick, but I'm at the point where I don't even care.
Some of OP's comments help to fill in the blanks for this strange story:
I don't know what her father was arrested for. I know she was a child model and her parents have mooched off of her, in her words she was held hostage and robbed, and she feels FIL abused her.
When she said she never got her turn I think she meant because of the modeling and pageants she was never allowed to have friends, go to prom, go to school, have a wedding.
She was pushed to work super hard. I know I suck for even caring but her fiancé threw her a huge 50th surprise party, like wedding sized, and she full on broke down sobbing, so I think she just really really wanted a party.
I will look into court records. FIL spoke to her horribly, so I wouldn't be surprised if he was abusive. I really don't know about the father except the money thing, and she always had a weird relationship with them.
She was always cold and uninterested in her kids, claimed they didn't like her but never tried to bond. Her dad is still in jail. She talks to her mom but literally winces if her mom tries to touch her and I heard the fiancé and mom getting into it once and him telling MIL to just scream and embarrass her if she keeps touching her.
One of the worst things I remember was her birthday party. She was not allowed to eat the cake and was given a spoon with frosting to lick and she got frustrated because they laughed at her and threw the spoon at FIL. She was then berated for being violent. I wanted to intervene but my husband didn't think it was our business.
Her behavior was always off. i know she was pulled out of school to model, but I could tell she had not been properly socialized and FIL would tease her about how awkward she was.
She talked a lot about not wanting her kids, wanting to run away. She was always saying her kids didn't deserve the stuff they had, but at the time I thought she was being manipulative.
She worked nonstop, like a really unhealthy amount. She owned her own business and talked about it being her baby and the only thing she loved.
I saw her get gas lit a lot. FIL would tease her until she cried and then him and her parents would berate her for being emotional.
The day she cut the dress FIL told her after the fact she didn't get a wedding because she is a whore and he would not let us talk to her about it.
Also I feel like her parents kind of gas lit her because they were always saying she is so dumb or so irrational and I feel in hindsight like they were justifying not giving her any freedom.
I feel sick just typing it out and there were times i wanted to stick up for her, but I was told to mind my own business.
Her perspective is that she was held hostage, starved, not allowed to do normal things, and emotionally abused by FIL in front of the kids, which is why I tried to give her some benefit of the doubt.
FIL always talked horribly to her, so I'm sure he was worse behind closed doors. I don't think the two of us should ever talk again. I try to pity her and not just hate her. I get the impression she was somewhat held hostage, but I can't forgive and I think her attitude towards her kids is gross.
She never bought us a house. That was going to be the wedding gift. She bought it for her daughter. Some of the things can't be given back, his education, vacations. I don't have anything tangible to give her. He has some clothes and watches from a while ago. We haven't seen her in years, so i really don't know what the right thing is but I will talk to him.
About the cost of the wedding (dress included) MIL paid for: She paid about $60,000 which honestly we do not have the means to pay her back, not that I think money would help her.
I have no idea how much she spent on clothes. FIL used to hand us credit cards and tell us to go shopping. He did have a job as well though no where near what she made. Don’t know what the watch cost but it was designer and a graduation gift.
Before we give you OP's official update, lets take a look at some of the top responses:
joouleswrites8 writes:
I highly suggest psychotherapy honestly . At this point it's not really about anything she does like if she apologizes or tries to make amends. It's about how your resentment towards her is affecting you, and you will need to let go of that yourself.
Resentment and guilt are both things that affect you mentally and have to be handled internally. If you haven't before, yes it may help if you state these things from the 'I' perspective descriptively, like "I resent that you destroyed my wedding dress, I resent that you ruined my wedding...
I am angry that my memories of the happiest day of my life are clouded by your actions." But you don't necessarily need to tell her, it's more important that you make those things clear in your mind (not to mention, your safety is always top priority so if you don't feel safe talking about this to her, just don't.
The goal here is 'peace' for yourself so don't go out of your way to confront her if you think it'll take away from your peace).
I am personally in psychotherapy and this all really hit on a lot of things we've worked on, though my resentment was aimed at a partner. I truly think it would be helpful for you.
A professional could describe this much better than I could. I cannot fathom this type of action and I do not blame you at all for your resentment, this would consume me if it happened to me and I didn't call off the wedding.
You deserve to have peace, and I think help through therapy is the best solution as that will provide continued, repeated support from a professional because you aren't going to get over this in a day, and it's highly unlikely you'll find you resolution online.
gaga2 writes:
I honestly don't think it's petty because of the following reasons: .You had planned so much for your wedding which was ruined because of her. Your hopes and expectations came crashing down on a day that's supposed to be your happiest.
I'm sure your wedding dress must have cost a fortune and that money is down the drain. Your mil is sick but your feelings are just as valid. If possible as others suggested have a nice renewal of your vows .
And I kind of think you are lucky that she didn't stay in your life.... I mean the woman cut up your wedding dress because she wanted attention. It's kinda hard to imagine what she might have done when you guys reached certain milestones or were pregnant or something .
It's best to keep NC and not let her ruin anymore of your newly married life.
pecuniary8 writes:
At first MIL sounded evil asf. But a legit suicide attempt? She’s f’ing crazy. I would put this in same compartment of your brain as if house burnt down and your dress was ruined.
It was an unfortunate event are you have every right to be disappointed; but let it go and move on. Sounds like you are already no contact as much as possible. Just feel pity for that MIL ‘s miserable life and the destruction she brings upon herself. She will never be actually happy.
Feel sorry for her rather than angry. Which is not to say you have any good feelings for that person. I usually think having a big wedding to renew your wedding vows is a stupid idea, but in this case it might make sense, so you can wear the wedding dress you want and lay that past event to rest.
A more important concern might be how a person that grew up in that environment might have turned out as an adult. Are there any underlying problems you might want to know about your husband?
manbuca writes:
I'm wondering if it's possible for you to not attend events where she will be present. I won't make any assumptions like some of the other commenters here. It might not be possible, based on you and your husband's commitments and desires to connect with people in your extended network.
If that is the case, then I'm really sorry, but you will have to try to come to terms with what has happened. This won't be easy, I know, and it will take time. And you may always have some lingering anger and resentment that pops up, and that's okay.
I have a somewhat relatable but also radically different situation than yours. My ex-husband cheated on me with my ex-friend and both are very prominent members of a larger professional arts community of which I am also a member.
That means I occasionally run into them at parties and events. We have some mutual friends and acquaintances who all know better than to bring them up in polite conversation around me.
I just have to deal with it. Despite all my anger. Despite all the pain that they caused me. My only other option is to stop participating in this art form. I refuse to give up my passion just so I can have 100% shelter from these douchebags.
If your situation is similar to mine in the sense that you can't block out this person 100% from your life, I think you need to be patient with yourself and the feelings that arise when someone mentions her or when you see her at an event.
Take it slow. Find a therapist so you can have a safe space to voice all of your anger. Take time away to process those feelings. Make sure your life includes lots of positive, encouraging, and affirming activities and people that have nothing to do with her.
I *love* the idea someone else had of throwing a vow-renewal party and wearing a lavish dress. Focus on you and your family and the people who love you, so that the happenstance encounters with her will have less sway over you.
This won't happen overnight, but with time and exposure, your feelings will get milder. You've heard of fear exposure? Think of this as hate exposure. Good luck.
And now, OP's official update:
I was shocked by how much the last post blew up and how much empathy I got. I thought a lot more people would say suck it up, it was only a dress. Truly thank you, and I am looking into booking a therapy appointment to talk about how much anger I have over this.
A couple people pointed out that if I wanted to know why MIL’s dad had been arrested, I could look it up online. I wasn’t aware of how easy it was to find that stuff, so my husband and I discussed it and we both wanted peace of mind.
I looked it up and it was not what I was expecting at all. I’m not going to go into too many details, because if someone recognizes this it is not my story to tell, it is MILs, but pretty much she was forced and potentially sold into marrying FIL.
We both immediately felt sick because we let FIL and MIL’s mom around our toddler son. We are still close to FIL and our son adores him. I really felt like for my son’s sake I needed clarity.
I asked the cousin MIL was close to, if she could convey to MIL that we had some questions and wanted to talk (MIL has blocked us on everything and changed her number) I mentioned that I tried looking her up on social media and couldn’t find her.
The cousin told me it is because MIL took her new husband’s name, which I didn’t know they were married, and her cousin started talking about how beautiful the wedding was.
I had originally heard they were going to elope, but she said that was because MIL thought it was tacky to have a wedding past 30, but he convinced her she should have that wedding she always wanted.
It really did feel like a punch to the gut and I know I have a lack of will power, but when the cousin brought out her phone, I didn’t stop her.
I vowed it would be the last picture of her I ever looked at, and then seeing her in her white dress just really hit me that it isn’t fair. I don’t know what I expected, she modeled for a long time, she works in high end fashion, but the wedding pictures were gorgeous and it really pissed me off.
Anyway the cousin let me use her phone. I told MIL what was going on and that I needed clarity and to know exact details of who was safe around my son. MIL agreed to meet up.
I felt my heart sink, but I thought maybe I would get closure. We met at a coffee place.
They were already there when we walked in and the first thing out of MIL’s mouth was that she still wants to be no contact and she just wants to be abundantly clear that there will not be a relationship. Fine, we didn’t want one either.
MIL answered my questions. It was really hard but GMIL and FIL can’t see our son anymore. They just can’t. I don’t think they are safe people, and MIL provided evidence for the stuff she was saying, which honestly made me sad for her because I never doubted. MIL then brought up the wedding dress on her own.
She said she snapped because it was another thing she was forced to pay for and she was tired of working so hard so everyone else could have things she couldn’t. She felt that we watched and “aided” in her abuse, which I don’t think is fair because there were a lot of red flags, but a lot of stuff we didn’t know about.
Pretty much all of this abuse was a way to keep her under control so her parents and FIL could take her money, and MIL did not want to pay for the things she did for her kids, such as weddings, cars, and a house for SIL.
She brought up that she never got “her turn” because she was drugged and sedated when she married FIL, she never got to do stuff like proms or birthday parties because of modeling, and she said cutting the dress was cathartic.
My husband pretty much told her to shut up, because he knew it was upsetting me. MIL’s husband pointed out that we pulled up in a car she bought and said we are both pieces of shit for still driving it.
MIL was quiet for a little while and just put her head down on him, it was super awkward and I wanted to leave. Finally her husband said that it is kind of funny because everyone got what they deserved, she finally got her wedding, and I know he was implying we got what we deserved.
He asked if she wanted to go, she said yes, and walked out without saying goodbye to my husband.
On one hand I understand that MIL did not agree to have him and views him as something she was forced to do, so her parents could control her money, but it makes me mad that she acts like he was a partner in this crime. We are going to have to cut a lot of people out.
There are a lot of details I didn’t share and they just aren’t safe people. What happened to MIL is like something out of a horror movie, they all know but gaslit her for years.
Honestly I wish her the best in the sense that she deserves a life, and I know a lot of people are skeptical about the new husband, but he seemed very sincere. I wish her the best in life, but I’m pissed she got the wedding after she ruined mine.
I told the cousin that I do not want anymore updates, and for my mental health I will no longer attend events she is at.