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Bride won't let future stepson attend wedding; 'If we're not going to tell him the truth about his mom, he can't come.' AITA? UPDATED 3X

Bride won't let future stepson attend wedding; 'If we're not going to tell him the truth about his mom, he can't come.' AITA? UPDATED 3X

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When this bride to be doesn't want her teenage stepson at her wedding, she asks the internet:

"AITA for not wanting my future stepson to attend my wedding?"

I(30F) am getting married to my fiance 'Alan'(33M) in december. My fiance was married to 'Amy'(34F) before me and they had a son together 'Jay'(17F).

Amy and Alan slept together at a party when they were both 16 and jay was the product of that. They tried their best to make it work for 5 years but then got divorced as Amy had cheated on Alan.

Now coming to the issue, I met my husband when I was 25 and he was 28. That's nearly 6-7 years after his divorce with Amy. But Jay seemed to think of me as the cause of it.

Alan and Amy have decided to not tell Jay about the real reason of their divorce until he's legally an adult. Because of that, he seems to believe that if he pushes his father and mother together, they'll get back together.

I have nothing against Jay but his actions really hurt me and he's so full of hatred for me. Initially, I tried to be a second mom to him but he didn't like it nor did Amy, which I understand. So I stopped trying and treated him as a friend instead.

But he talks down to me, calls me homewrecker. I know that's not true. But, last week his friends all messaged me harassing me and asking to send them my OF(which I don't have) since I'm a thot and alot of other explicit things. This has hit the nail in the coffin for my fiance.

My fiance is furious at Jay and wants to uninvite him from our wedding, so do I. but Amy is against that. She thinks I'm being too sensitive and believes that this is normal teen behaviour. I don't know if my dislike for Jay is clouding my decision. So please tell me AITA?

Before we give you OP's updates, let's take a look at some of the top responses:

throwaway56 writes:

NTA. Until his mother owns up to the real reason they parted, you'll continue to be the bad guy in this situation. You've tried to form a relationship and Jay isn't interested, choosing to hate you without having all the facts.

Personally, I don't think you should ban him from the wedding. I think there should be an invite and he should be told you both want him to be there but, if he feels too uncomfortable or, if he can't be there and be happy for you, he can choose not to attend and there'll be no repercussions. Then it's his choice and not something you're forcing on him.

He already thinks you're the reason his parents aren't together. If you tell him he can't attend, he'll also think you're trying to come between him and his dad. You're not, I know but he has this twisted view of you and banning him will only make it worse.

vacroc writes:

NTA. His parents have been divorced 70% of this kids life. And at the time you met, about 60%. The kid has serious issues to hold on to this for this long in this manner.

You should not have to deal with this but I would take a long hard look at who you are marrying given that he has allowed his child to get to this point. Maybe he tried everything and the kid is seriously mentally ill. But this kid needed help years ago. His attitude towards you can’t be his only issue, with his reaction being so unreasonable.

I don’t think telling the kid about his moms affair right now is the best advice. I would get some professional advice before dropping any more bombshells on a kid who is already troubled. Furthermore I assume you only have your fiancés word about the reason for the divorce. It may be more complicated than you realize.

noccie writes:

NTA. No reason he can't know the real reason for the divorce at 17 versus 18. He definitely shouldn't be at the wedding unless he can actually see that he was being very aggressive and nasty for no reason.

No, this isn't normal teen behavior - muttering, sulking and being emotionally unavailable would be more appropriate especially sine the divorce is old news.

It's well beyond time Jay knows that you were too young to be parents/married, tried to make it work, but couldn't fix the relationship after Amy cheated. Jay needs to be explicitly told that you didn't meet her dad until long after the divorce.

commericalreward655 writes:

Nta if any case if there is an ah here it's his mother for cheating and then turning things around on your fiance glad to hear he's ok with you , let him and Alan talk maybe encourage it a Lil bit but very lil because it is their issue after all, don't worry about he'll...

be mad for awhile but after realizing his father had a more carrying and noble reason to lie to him then his mother he'll come around, your fiance did the right thing he didn't get on her level nor did he dlstroyed the image his son has of his mother...

when he gets more mature and with time he'll say who's wrong and who's right and by moving out of her house his already kinda of stated what he thinks, just tell your husband he might be mad right now but you did the right thing and he still wants a relationship if that wasn't the case he would've not moved in...

when you're in a situation like that your mad about both your parents faults but then you understand each one but a the end you want nothing to do with the one that completely failed you the other one that's there you might be mad...

but your like well they messed up but it was for loving reasons while the other one was just downright selfish, the intention always stands out.

maufinty writes:

NTA for not wanting him at the wedding, HOWEVER, it would be nice if you could come to some resolution about the main issue which is the son believing you wrecked his parent's marriage.

He's almost an adult so he's old enough to learn the truth. Having said that, the other option is for his father to make it very clear to him that you were not anything to do with it. I'm not sure why you are being left to carry the burden of blame when a simple "{wife} wasn't even around then...

I didn't meet her until 5 years later. Your mother and I are not compatible and are never getting back together again regardless of if I ever remarried or not". The kid needs to be told to stop treating you like this. It's not acceptable.

michy56 writes:

NTA - I would say that it's important for your fiance's son to be there, but Jay has already gone too far. He might ruin your wedding if he goes. Your fiance needs to sit Jay down and make it clear that he's NEVER getting back together with his ex no matter what...

Jay does and that the reason will be explained when he turns 18. I personally think he's old enough to handle the truth and don't think that your fiance should wait until he and his ex set a time to tell him the truth together.

The ex might be getting ready to tell a story that is in her favor. If she were a good person, she would have told Jay the truth so that he would stop making your life so difficult. Why is she minimizing Jay's bad behavior?

ruderoyal writes:

Amy has no say in whether Jay goes to your wedding. She has no say on anything that happens within your household. She has a say on how to discipline her child for his actions which she can discuss with his father.

You however, do have a say. If your fiancé supports the decision then do not have him at the wedding. I suggest fiancé and you have a sit down discussion with Jay. Record the discussion so he can hear back is words and so Amy an stfu about being too sensitive.

Jay is almost 18 and has shown zero respect or responsibility for is actions. In the real world not the La la land Amy apparently is raising her son in there are consequences for actions.

Jay has chosen to disrespect you multiple times. He has chosen to disrespect his fathers relationship and his own relationship with his dad by doing what he is doing. What happens if you have children will Jay be horrible to them ? What will be the excuse then?

It’s time for serious conversations your fiancé needs to step up and have some serious and hard conversations with his son. And he is going to have to do it without Amy because truthfully she is probably the one feeding Jay all these horrible things about you.

b0onnnn42 writes:

NTA for being upset with how Jay is acting but your fiancé and Amy are definitely TA for not telling Jay the truth. I think this has nothing to do with the wedding but everything to do with the fact that Jay’s parents are willfully keeping him in the dark. Jay is 17 years old, he’s only 1 year away from being a legal adult.

That’s close enough. This is all stemming from Amy not wanting to look like the bad guy. I would allow Jay to come to the wedding but I’d give your fiancé and Amy a choice.

They can either tell Jay the truth (with plenty of time for him to absorb this knowledge before the wedding) and he can come to the wedding; or if they don’t tell him the truth, he won’t be invited to the wedding and when he turns 18 years old, they now have to tell him not only was his Mother a cheater..

but his parents keeping this truth from him, led to the resentment that caused him to miss his own Father’s wedding. Alan needs to stop worrying about protecting Amy and start worrying about telling his son the truth and taking away his sons ammunition to hate you.

Word to the wise, if they do tell him the truth, don’t hover but let Jay know you’re there if he wants someone to talk to that’s not his parents. Jay has been shitty to you, no denying that. But he’s 17 years old and thought he was helping his Mom.

partycloke7 writes:

Well, I don’t think that YTA, but your soon to be husband is. He is not honest with his son, which reflects poorly on your relationship, and his relationship with his kid. He could easily remedy that situation by leading an open communication with his son. Kid is old enough to know...

he is not handling this information vacuum he is currently in very well, and when he act out (awfully), instead of some needed compassion and talk that would build up his responsibility for his actions, he gets banned from his father’s wedding, like he is always crying baby.

antelope writes:

Nta if he can’t control himself for a few hours, which seems unlikely. However, excluding his son for any reason will forever damage any any chance of reconciliation or healing going forward.

You’d be better off to pause your wedding plans until his parents actually sit down together and tell him the truth about the situation, and tell your fiancé you will not marry him him in the current situation.

You had nothing to do with it. Stay out of it except to say you won’t marry him while his son is believing the lies they told him. They set up this situation long ago. I would absolutely not want to see my fiancé estranged from his son and do anything to prevent that within my power.

They need to tell him his behavior to you is unacceptable and what kind of man does he want to become? He doesn’t get to take out his hurting on an innocent third party or anyone else.

And now, OP's update:

hey so I'm going to try to make this not too long but basically me, amy, alan& jay had a sit down talk just about 30 mins ago. It wasn't going anywhere until Alan burst out about amy cheating on him.

Amy went hysterical and tried to deny any accusations but eventually agreed. Jay looked so confused. But he surprisingly took it well. Noone expected him to, but he did, he seemed so ashamed of himself. Turns out, I was right.

Jay didn't believe that I was a homewrecker or anything he was just jealous and mad that I got with Alan when Alan had money & was rich meanwhile his mom had to go through poverty with his dad and seemed think of me as some gold digger(?)

Even though I also work & earn almost as much as my fiancee. Jay also admitted that Amy had said alot of messed up stuff about me to him when Alan and I first got together. He apologised for that.

He said that he wasn't aware of what his friends had sent to me and agreed that while he may have confided in his 'friends' about what his mom said about me, he never asked them to message me.

I've never seen Jay look so remorseful. Amy was fuming throughout this ordeal and screaming at Alan and I. Eventually Alan kicked her out to have a more peaceful convo with Amy. Alan and Jay both exchanged hugs and for the first time in 3 years, Jay looked happy.

Well that didn't last for long because after the initial guilt and shock, anger settled in and he immediately moved out of his moms flat & moved in with us. He'd mad with Alan too for keeping this secret from him but not at me surprisingly, he actually didn't blame me. So I think we might actually be able to be in a more friendly familial relationship.

Update 2:

Turns out you all were right. Jay formally apologised to me today and said that he had been feeling guilty for the past year. Apparently on a camping trip his gf 'Maya'(16F) a few months back, he confided in her about everything that had been going on.

Maya was the first one to tell him that Amy sounded toxic & there was probably more to the story. He said that he'd been asking Amy if there was something that he didn't know about Alan & Her but Amy declined.

He also agreed that Amy had been abusive growing up and had him sleep outside her appartment on days when she was on her period and wanted some time alone. He never thought to come to us because Amy had portrayed me in a such a way that Jay thought I would make a big deal out of it and Alan would no longer invite him over.

Jay looked like he was going to cry saying all this. He apologised and said that he was ready for any punishment and begged that we dont cut him off. I told him that it was never my plan & that we're going to work this out together.

I also messaged maya thanking her for consoling jay & supporting him. Jay & Alan want to go to court & change amy's custody to visitation only but I think it's useless since jay will turn 18 in a couple of months.

Update 3:

We discussed Jay's therapy. He'll be joining therapy soon and we'll also start family therapy once he turns 18 so he doesn't need his moms signature.

And FYI, It isn't that easy telling a little 5 year old that the reason his world is falling apart is because his mom cheated on his dad. He was already suffering alot, as time passed, noone ever brought it up until Jay was 12 & was really emotional as most teens are.

He was hostile and impulsive so they wanted to wait out till he was 18 so that he wouldn't cut amy out completely & be more mature.

We already had a meeting next day to discuss custody. And i didn't say in my post that Jay treated me like sh&, he just didn't like me. He wasn't rude per say just very distant & uncaring.

He called me a homewrecker during one of the fights he had with his dad. The convo wasn't short and we've had more than 10 of those in the past week alone. We've talked with the kids parents and its getting sorted out. Hope this clears it up.

What do YOU make of OP's story? Any advice for her?

Sources: Reddit
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