'AITA for not wanting my future stepson to attend my wedding?' UPDATED 3X
"AITA for not wanting my future stepson to attend my wedding?"
I(30F) am getting married to my fiance 'Alan'(33M) in december. My fiance was married to 'Amy'(34F) before me and they had a son together 'Jay'(17F).
Amy and Alan slept together at a party when they were both 16 and jay was the product of that. They tried their best to make it work for 5 years but then got divorced as Amy had cheated on Alan.
Now coming to the issue, I met my husband when I was 25 and he was 28. That's nearly 6-7 years after his divorce with Amy. But Jay seemed to think of me as the cause of it.
Alan and Amy have decided to not tell Jay about the real reason of their divorce until he's legally an adult. Because of that, he seems to believe that if he pushes his father and mother together, they'll get back together.
I have nothing against Jay but his actions really hurt me and he's so full of hatred for me. Initially, I tried to be a second mom to him but he didn't like it nor did Amy, which I understand. So I stopped trying and treated him as a friend instead.
But he talks down to me, calls me homewrecker. I know that's not true. But, last week his friends all messaged me harassing me and asking to send them my OF(which I don't have) since I'm a thot and alot of other explicit things. This has hit the nail in the coffin for my fiance.
My fiance is furious at Jay and wants to uninvite him from our wedding, so do I. but Amy is against that. She thinks I'm being too sensitive and believes that this is normal teen behaviour. I don't know if my dislike for Jay is clouding my decision. So please tell me AITA?
Before we give you OP's updates, let's take a look at some of the top responses:
noccie writes:
NTA. No reason he can't know the real reason for the divorce at 17 versus 18. He definitely shouldn't be at the wedding unless he can actually see that he was being very aggressive and nasty for no reason.
No, this isn't normal teen behavior - muttering, sulking and being emotionally unavailable would be more appropriate especially sine the divorce is old news.
It's well beyond time Jay knows that you were too young to be parents/married, tried to make it work, but couldn't fix the relationship after Amy cheated. Jay needs to be explicitly told that you didn't meet her dad until long after the divorce.
maufinty writes:
NTA for not wanting him at the wedding, HOWEVER, it would be nice if you could come to some resolution about the main issue which is the son believing you wrecked his parent's marriage.
He's almost an adult so he's old enough to learn the truth. Having said that, the other option is for his father to make it very clear to him that you were not anything to do with it. I'm not sure why you are being left to carry the burden of blame when a simple "{wife} wasn't even around then...
I didn't meet her until 5 years later. Your mother and I are not compatible and are never getting back together again regardless of if I ever remarried or not". The kid needs to be told to stop treating you like this. It's not acceptable.
And now, OP's update:
hey so I'm going to try to make this not too long but basically me, amy, alan& jay had a sit down talk just about 30 mins ago. It wasn't going anywhere until Alan burst out about amy cheating on him.
Amy went hysterical and tried to deny any accusations but eventually agreed. Jay looked so confused. But he surprisingly took it well. Noone expected him to, but he did, he seemed so ashamed of himself. Turns out, I was right.
Jay didn't believe that I was a homewrecker or anything he was just jealous and mad that I got with Alan when Alan had money & was rich meanwhile his mom had to go through poverty with his dad and seemed think of me as some gold digger(?)
Even though I also work & earn almost as much as my fiancee. Jay also admitted that Amy had said alot of messed up stuff about me to him when Alan and I first got together. He apologised for that.
He said that he wasn't aware of what his friends had sent to me and agreed that while he may have confided in his 'friends' about what his mom said about me, he never asked them to message me.
I've never seen Jay look so remorseful. Amy was fuming throughout this ordeal and screaming at Alan and I. Eventually Alan kicked her out to have a more peaceful convo with Amy. Alan and Jay both exchanged hugs and for the first time in 3 years, Jay looked happy.
Well that didn't last for long because after the initial guilt and shock, anger settled in and he immediately moved out of his moms flat & moved in with us. He'd mad with Alan too for keeping this secret from him but not at me surprisingly, he actually didn't blame me. So I think we might actually be able to be in a more friendly familial relationship.
Update 2:
Turns out you all were right. Jay formally apologised to me today and said that he had been feeling guilty for the past year. Apparently on a camping trip his gf 'Maya'(16F) a few months back, he confided in her about everything that had been going on.
Maya was the first one to tell him that Amy sounded toxic & there was probably more to the story. He said that he'd been asking Amy if there was something that he didn't know about Alan & Her but Amy declined.
He also agreed that Amy had been abusive growing up and had him sleep outside her appartment on days when she was on her period and wanted some time alone. He never thought to come to us because Amy had portrayed me in a such a way that Jay thought I would make a big deal out of it and Alan would no longer invite him over.
Jay looked like he was going to cry saying all this. He apologised and said that he was ready for any punishment and begged that we dont cut him off. I told him that it was never my plan & that we're going to work this out together.
I also messaged maya thanking her for consoling jay & supporting him. Jay & Alan want to go to court & change amy's custody to visitation only but I think it's useless since jay will turn 18 in a couple of months.
Update 3:
We discussed Jay's therapy. He'll be joining therapy soon and we'll also start family therapy once he turns 18 so he doesn't need his moms signature.
And FYI, It isn't that easy telling a little 5 year old that the reason his world is falling apart is because his mom cheated on his dad. He was already suffering alot, as time passed, noone ever brought it up until Jay was 12 & was really emotional as most teens are.
He was hostile and impulsive so they wanted to wait out till he was 18 so that he wouldn't cut amy out completely & be more mature.
We already had a meeting next day to discuss custody. And i didn't say in my post that Jay treated me like sh&, he just didn't like me. He wasn't rude per say just very distant & uncaring.
He called me a homewrecker during one of the fights he had with his dad. The convo wasn't short and we've had more than 10 of those in the past week alone. We've talked with the kids parents and its getting sorted out. Hope this clears it up.