Bride asks if she's wrong for refusing to take mom wedding shopping because of a grudge.
Is it ok to hold onto a high school grudge, or should you eventually forgive and forget?
Reddit user u/MomVsPromDress was not allowed to go to her high school prom. 15 years later, she still hasn't forgiven her mom for making her miss the important milestone. Now that she's getting married, she doesn't want her mom to ruin that too.
Now, this bride-to-be is asking the internet, 'AITA (Am I The A**hole) for refusing to let my mom go wedding dress shopping with me over something that happened almost fifteen years ago?'
She writes:
I (32F) will be getting married next year. We were talking about our wedding plans over dinner when my mom asked about the dress. It's not going to be an extravagant wedding, but I would like to wear a nice dress. This is probably the only time I'll get to wear something formal and you'll see why.
My mom asked me when I'm going to start dress shopping. I hate to say this, but I blurted out, 'who says you were going with me?'
I love my mom, but she is controlling. Being an immigrant with no concept of American culture is another thing. Back when I was in high school, I wanted to attend prom with my friends. But my mom and I got into an argument over what I was going to wear.
I wanted a fancy sparkling dress like what my friends were getting, and she wanted me to wear one of her dresses. This outdated black dress from the 80s, which looked terrible on me. Like, I cried when I put it on I didn't want to wear it. We fought over it and it ended with me not being allowed to go.
Since I wasn't allowed to have a job at the time, I couldn't come up with the money myself to pay for my dress or ticket. I still kind of resent her for this as there are a number of things from high school I either was barred from doing (sports, marching band, senior trip, French class) or got forced into doing and hated (scholarship clubs, Chinese class, Best Buddies).
There was some back and forth, but in the end, I made my point clear.
'I was still mad at her for making me miss out on a huge milestone over something as stupid as a dress.'
I want to be able to pick something I want to wear without her input. Or trying to get me to wear the other outdated monstrosity that is her wedding dress to save money.
I'm digging my heels into this point. But my dad called an hour ago saying that I really hurt her feelings. I am pretty sure I heard crying on the other end of the line. So maybe I took it too far this time. I need an outside opinion. On one hand, I don't want her to control this second chance I have. But on the other... I did make her cry. AITA?
Should she let go of her grudge and play nice or is she right to worry? Reddit users were divided on this one. Some say she should grow up and talk it out like grown-ups and others think she should hold tight to her boundaries. Whatever happens, hopefully, this bride-to-be will have the wedding of her dreams and forget all about prom.
NTA. Tell your Dad: that wasn’t my intention. Maybe she should wear her grown up panties like me when she hurt me all the time? I know petty but it’s your wedding, so your dress. Stay strong. Don’t let them guilt tripping you with their fake tears & stuff…
ESH. I think you could have handled this more diplomatically. You say you love your mom. You are an adult. From the subtext it sounds like you do want an adult relationship with her. You could have said no in so many different ways or evaded the question. She hurt your feelings 15 years ago so now you are justified to hurt her feelings by being rude?
You know, parents mess up while we grow up to be adults and some parents have a hard time letting go of that control. But, you are no longer a teen and you have every right to have boundaries. You even have the right to be rude. But being that rude because of a long-harbored grudge is pretty crappy thing to do. That tells me you really haven't resolved some underlying dynamics in your relationship.
I think you should apologize. Then pick another time to discuss how hurt you were about your mother's over-controlling behavior when you grew up to clear the air. Then go dress shopping with whomever you want.
·Op, NTA. Guilt trips are all about someone getting their way. It's normal for you to feel guilty because that's all you've known growing up (this coming from someone whose mother is a travel agent for guilt trips). I only had my mom come wedding dress shopping, she still made it all about herself and I'm still annoyed by it (now that I understand boundaries and how to set them).
NTA - enjoy dress shopping in peace. If alterations are needed, maybe she can attend that appointment as you will already have picked out your dress and she will be able to see it before the wedding.
ESH. Your mom has obvious issues, but you handled this like a child, as if you were still a teenager aching to go to prom. It's fair you don't want your mom to go with you, but it's not like you showed up with the epitome of maturity and grace either.
Buying my wedding dress with my mother is one of my favourite memories I have of my mother who died early. If you set hard boundaries, talk to her, and take someone with you whom you both trust, this could be a healing moment that will help you to leave the past behind and start a new relationship with your mom.
A relationship between two adults, two (soon to be) married women. But your mom has to understand what you want and why. She has to want to make this a healing moment. Otherwise, you should not take her with you. NAH, yet. Don't let this escalate.
NTA. Get the dress you want, and I hope you have a lovely wedding.
Oh boohoo her feelings are hurt? Well now she knows how it feels to miss a major milestone. And of course she’s never apologized or made it up to you but she’s the victim. Lol NTA, your mom has proven she isn’t to be trusted with an event of this nature. Her tears are her own responsibility. Not yours. Don’t fall for it.
Yes, this. It is possible they couldn't afford a new dress at the time, but didn't want to admit that to their child. I also don't allow my child to work during the school year, so I get that part. Or maybe Mom was just controlling and mean and there was plenty of money.
But, a genuine apology and maybe an offer to help pay for *this* dress would go a long way. Doesn't sound like Mom feels like she did anything wrong, and sure, maybe there is a bit of 'you hurt me, I'll hurt you' here, but it seems justified. NTA
You were a teenager when she banned you from going to prom. It was important to you and she, an adult who knows how hard it is to be a teen because she was one before, stole that from you. You can never get prom back.
NTA at all. This is one day she can't steal from you. If she was big enough to control you into submission for prom, she's big enough to deal with the consequences. Do NOT take anybody's feelings into account for your wedding. The only people who matter are you and your partner.
Your needs and wants come first. If having your mom present for dress fitting will make the day any less pleas t, don't have her there with you. It's not your responsibility to coddle her. She was supposed to protect you, not the other way around.