Brides changes her mind about sister being the Maid of Honor, 'she called ME a brat.' AITA?

"AITA for changing my mind about my sister being my Maid of Honor?"

I (25F) am getting married in about a year and a half from now. We knew when we got engaged it was going to be a long engagement, as did all of our friends and family. When I got engaged, my sister (19F) immediately jumped into wedding plans, and told me she was going to be my maid of honor.

I told her explicitly I have no interest in making wedding plans (because at the time the wedding was 2.5 years away). And she has refused that right up until now. She has made fun of ideas I like, and outside of the wedding we clash a lot (especially on aesthetics/ styles we like).

We are polar opposites in style and interests, even down to the way we dress - we would both rather die than even dress like the other. Where I (might) be the ahole is I should have let her know right then and there she wasn’t my MOH, but at the time I wasn’t sure how serious she was about it and I had zero plans. I didn’t expect to be TOLD who my MOH is.

Tonight she berated me for not making plans yet, to which I told her I would start when it was a year away (also like who are you to tell me how to plan my wedding?). She ignored everything I said.

My fiancé and I want a very intimate, chill ceremony with a super fun reception. All we care about is it being fun and memorable. She scoffed at our cheap catering ideas, pressured me into going wedding dress shopping when I told her I didn’t really care about the dress.

I finally told her that she may have to split this duty because she couldn’t afford to throw me any of the events (she called me a brat that I couldn’t fund my bachelorette party). She lost it. That I had promised her this, that she’d always dreamed of being a MOH.

It just feels like all she really cares about is being a MOH. She doesn’t care about my day, or what we want just that she gets credit. I don’t want to have to plan my wedding with her but I’m concerned I’m in the wrong. AITA?

EDITS:

Some seem confused on why I brought up money. The only area I’m concerned about is the bridal shower/ bachelorette. While I can fund those things, other bridesmaids and family would refuse.

My sister is unemployed and due to her mental health very likely won’t have a job by the wedding (at least not one that pays enough that I even feel comfortable having her pay at all). AND the biggest issue I have with her is that she wants everything high end and expensive.

It will be uncomfortable when she plans a luxurious party and can’t chip in (as the person who essentially planned it). I was not being mean, more making her aware of responsibilities she may not have thought about.

I need everyone to understand that I am only a doormat with her because she is a powder keg. She is so quick to actual rage that unfortunately we have all learned to tiptoe. The problem with this, is that my parents will side with her on this simply to avoid to hellfire that will be rained down on me. I will bite the bullet, but I’m not excited for the bomb of rage I’m about to face.

Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:

dinaalhujj said:

NTA – Your wedding, your choice. Your sister seems more interested in the title of MOH than actually supporting your vision. You never promised her the role, and she’s been dismissive of your preferences from the start.

It’s okay to set boundaries and choose someone who will genuinely support you. If she truly cares, she’ll come around—but don’t let guilt push you into something that’ll make planning miserable.

Red-Octopus91 said:

NTA. “I wasn’t sure how serious she was about it and I had zero plans. I didn’t expect to be TOLD who my MOH is. (…) It just feels like all she really cares about is being a MOH. She doesn’t care about my day or what we want."

There you have it, just tell her precisely that. These are great reasons why you changed your mind. Besides, this is something you should be invited to do, not impose yourself.

She put you in a tough situation by trying to impose herself in this position without being invited to be your maid of honor, and she is being a pain in the ass by berating you about plans and criticizing your choices.

You’re gonna do it the way you like it and on your own timeline, after all, this is your wedding and not hers. This is gonna be a difficult conversation, but I feel like she needs it cause she sounds like a very imposing and inconvenient person. She has to learn to respect your personal space.

KrofftSurvivor said:

ESH. You should have just said something at the time, but you didn't. And now when she's insisting that you promised her, you couldn't open your mouth and say "No. I didn't promise you anything - you insisted you would be my MoH, and never even asked if that's what I wanted?" Instead you pretended it was about money? Try being honest.

thisBookBites said:

NTA, but the comment about her not being able to AFFORD throwing you a party does throw me off. Like, in what world is the MoH meant to foot the entire bachelorette party bill?

RoyallyOakie said:

NTA...not only is it your choice, but she'd be a nightmare every step of the way. Give her the bad news very clearly and directly. Then get on with having the wedding YOU want.

Anonymous_Sad_Person said:

NTA - pretend for a moment that she isn't your sister. Would you want a friend doing this crap? It sounds like she values the title and attention more than helping you with your wedding. Find a MOH who's the opposite.

crackerfactorywheel said:

ESH. You and your sister both sound exhausting. You should’ve put your foot down sooner and say that she wasn’t going to be your MOH. Also, I’m not sure what wedding culture is like where you’re from, but where I’m from, the MOH nor the bride are wholly responsible for hosting the bachelorette party. She sucks for arguing with and steam rolling over you.