Bridesmaid backs out of role, 'I am more than likely going to be pregnant;' AITA?
Backing out of a bridal party is a definite way to become the least popular person in the bachelorette party planning group chat, but sometimes you simply must decline...
So, when a conflicted soon-to-be pregnant ex-bridesmaid decided to vent to the moral compass of the internet otherwise known as Reddit's 'Am I the As*hole' about backing out of a wedding party, the petty people of the internet were dying for the details.
AITA (Am I the As*hole) for declining being a bridesmaid?
My friend of 10 years recently got engaged. She had already asked me a while ago if I would be her bridesmaid when she gets married (this was at least a year before she got engaged). Once she got engaged she messaged me and told me approximately when she is thinking of getting married and the location.
Unfortunately the wedding date coincides with when I think I maybe heavily pregnant or I may have a newborn baby (my partner and I want to start a family straight after we get married). Her wedding location is also about 7 hours away in another country so would require some serious travel.
As soon as she messaged me I rang her (she lives about 2 hours away and my schedule is hectic at the moment as I planning my own wedding so I didn't have time to tell her face to face, which in hindsight would have been better).
I called her and told her that although I would love to be a bridesmaid I am more than likely going to be pregnant or have a newborn baby at the time of her wedding, so I don't think I can commit to being a bridesmaid as I may have to back out of the wedding at short notice.
She took this news very badly- she was trying to interrupt me on the call and then when I asked her 'how the wedding planning was going' she said it's all going to sh$t and then she hung up. She hasn't spoken to me in nearly 2 months.
As a side note she has constantly stated how much she hates surprises, has a tight budget and she likes to plan things in advance. I thought the best thing to do would be tell her straight away instead of leaving it until a couple of months before her actual wedding and before she spends any money on bridesmaid dresses etc. AITA?
Here's what the jury of internet strangers had to say about this drama:
Massive-Action1709 said:
I think your enthusiasm took over... A pregnacy lasts 9 months, you could wait to become pregnant and then inform your friend, still many months in advance. Pregnacy is something that can't be timelined or planned easily.
Her wedding may come and you are not pregnant or you are a couple months pregnant. And all this would have been for nothing. No one is the AH here, but you should communicate better. I wish you good luck with your friend and your pregnacy plans.
br00kish said:
YTA. You may get pregnant the minute you try, it may take a year, or it might not happen at all. You have no idea. Yes, tell her that you are planning to try to get pregnant and that you may need to adjust plans if it happens, but to flat out refuse to be a part of the wedding because you HOPE you’ll get pregnant is an a%shole move.
This is obviously a very important thing to her and you not participating because of a fantasy pregnancy is very self centered. Are you even friends?
TheSuperAlly said:
Soft yta. You’ve pretty much bailed on your best friend of 10 years when you’re not even pregnant. You could have tentatively accepted but informed her that you would be trying.
I really do hope you get pregnant right away but unfortunately for a lot of the time it can take months or even years to conceive. I think you’ve jumped the gun on this and possibly hampered your relationship with your friend. I know you think you were trying to do her a favour by bailing now but I would be very disappointed in you as a friend for not even seeing how things went.
You’re putting a lot of pressure on yourself to conceive in time as well, it’s going to be awkward if it gets to her wedding and you’re not pregnant so it was all for nothing. Poorly handled.
Genybear12 said:
YTA. I mean that in the kindest way and don’t want to use it as my judgement but you are. You didn’t have to accept being a bridesmaid because nobody has to accept the invitation BUTTTT you made the entire thing about your own happiness, your own wedding planning that’s going well, your future planning that’s going well in your mind because you didn’t forsee real life hiccups.
Next time ask the person how they are, what’s going on with them, give them a chance to feel seen, heard and also acknowledge that another hiccup came to them while everybody else is getting what they want.
Common-Rain9224 said:
YTA. You should have ecstatically agreed to be her bridesmaid and then when you (hopefully) become pregnant you can then back out and be devastated you'll miss her special day. Unless there are other reasons you don't actually want to be a bridesmaid and this is a cover story. Money? Distance? Responsibility?
SnooBunnies7461 said:
NTA. You called right away so she'd have plenty of time to figure things out for her wedding. Better to do that than back out at the last minute. If this upset her enough not to speak to you for 2 months I'd say you really did the right thing to avoid all the drama.
Shells613 said:
NTA. You can decline being a bridesmaid for any reason. It isn't a summons. And your intentions were good - you don't want to mess up her plans. Of course, it is hard to predict if you will in fact be pregnant. Perhaps call her back and ask to meet to discuss face to face to smooth it over. She's just disappointed.
So, there you have it...
While the reviews were certainly divided for this one, most people agreed that nobody should feel obligated to be a bridesmaid and the decision goes both ways. Still, considering she isn't even pregnant yet, it could be awkward for everyone if her family plans don't happen in the exact way she hopes. Good luck to everyone involved here!