Bridesmaid plans to bail 3 days before the wedding, 'the bride has now given me an ultimatum.' AITA?

"WIBTA If I choose to not attend my (29F) friend's (29F) wedding in 3 days despite being a bridesmaid?"

Sorry if this is a bit jumbled as I am still emotional. So my friend is getting married this weekend and I am in her bridal party. She asked a month ago in our group chat who could stay the night before at her place, which I originally agreed to. This is to ensure the morning of goes smoothly for hair and makeup.

I am also involved in my country's military and told her from the time she asked me to be in her party 2 years ago that my participation would be dependent on deployments.

I received word last week that I am to be deployed for between 6 months-2.5 years away from home. My family cannot come, and my spouse will only be able to visit the occasional weekend. I will be unable to visit home for at least 6 months. I leave a week after the wedding.

Last night, I asked her what time I would be needed at if I did not spend the night. She proceeded to tell me 6am but that she cannot take one more change and that she needs me there the night before.

I had not told her about my deployment but did then, so that she would understand why I was changing my mind. I have some back issues and cannot head to deployment with a sore back from sleeping on her floor or couch. I also do not want to miss one of my remaining few nights with my family.

I also wake up every morning at 5am for a run, so I am not worried about accidentally sleeping in. She then began to cry and tell me about other issues she was having such as last minute drop outs of family. I believe it was a bit of a straw breaking the camel's back situation. I told her I would figure it out and we left it at that.

Today, I called the MoH who is a mutual friend, and told her the whole situation because I hoped she could help my friend understand why I do not want to give up one of my last remaining nights with my family. She spoke to the bride and called me back.

The bride has now given me an ultimatum. Either I arrive the night before and give no mention to my issues and support her wholly and without question, or I step down from being in the bridal party and simply attend as a guest.

I am frustrated as I am willing to support her on her big day, and have told her so, just not the night before. This has also highlighted to me an imbalance in our friendship the past few years, in which I feel I give a lot more.

I am now debating even attending the wedding. Not attending would most likely lead to losing the whole friendship. Attending the night before will lead to resentment on my part, and I will be keeping her at length in the future.

I do not have an outfit to attend as a guest, and have already gone over my budget for my bridesmaid dress. I do not want to act rashly and am wondering if my request to come over in the morning is really that unreasonable. WIBTA to just not attend?

Here's what people had to say about this one:

hatterson said:

How on earth can you be fit for deployment if a single night spent sleeping on a couch would give you back issues for more than a week? Anyway, why can't you just arrive at her place the night before a little later in the evening. Spend time with your family and then head over there.

I think she's being overly dramatic and insisting that you arrive the night before instead of showing up at 6AM, but I also think you're being overly dramatic and not just being with one of your good friends for the night. Feels like ESH here.

DuePromotion287 said:

You made a commitment to be in her wedding. You should honor your commitment.

No-Ear-9899 said:

ESH. Completely understand why you want to spend as much time as you can with your family before deployment. I understand this bride is feeling stressed and overwhelmed, and she's reacting emotionally.

Compromise, on both sides, is required. Arrive later the night before, like 9:00 or 10:00 pm. That way, you have dinner with the family, and you can sleep over at her house. Bring a good air mattress to sleep on if you're worried about your back. One night won't kill you.

Enjoy the wedding as much as you can, and then leave after the meal and speeches. You only get ONE chance to do right at a wedding. It's one of those lifetime things that are talked about decades later. Do your best to help your friend get through it. She sounds completely wound up and hyper-emotional, and may need the support.

Deal breaker for me would be if she flips out and screams at you like a toddler that is told they can't have candy. I would walk away with a perfectly clear conscience in that case. But yeah...Compromise is the way.

Different_Force3385 said:

YWNBTA. Everyone seems totally hung up on your back and running. Lmao. I wouldn’t spend a single night away from my family more than I had to if I was due to leave for years. Especially to pretend my mind wasn’t full of all the logistics of my leaving while placating a bride. Drop out, wear an old dress that works for the dress code to the wedding AS A GUEST.

You told the bride deployment might interfere when she asked, she took the risk anyway. You were willing to show up at 6am like she said until she gave you an ultimatum. Also in a week you wont be able to see or talk to her for almost 2.5 years. I doubt the friendship will be the same anyways.

Lily4Now said:

NTA. I actually would spend my last few days with my family and not worry about her wedding. My immediate family is and will always be my priority and if she doesn’t understand that then is she really a good friend?

SunshineShoulders87 said:

An ultimatum that includes not mentioning what’s going on in your life? No wonder others are dropping out. NTA.

After reading the comments, OP added these edits:

So I read through everyone's comments and decided that as ridiculous as it seems that my friend is willing to throw away years of friendships over this, I would just wait until my family went to bed then leave for her place, as I do want to support her.

Something I did not mention is it is myself, the 5 other BMs and the MoH all being asked to spend the night. We were originally asked which is why I felt that arriving in the morning (which was originally an option) would be fine.

Another thing to mention is that the rehearsal is on yet a different day, so in my calendar there is 3 different days for this wedding, thus my trying to budget what hours I could.

The reason I went through the MoH is because the bride has had her phone completely off. I tried and could not reach out to her. The MoH only got a hold of the bride through the groom. That is why I have not spoken to the bride directly today.

Anyways, so as mentioned, I decided that I would just swallow my frustrations and attend the night before. I messaged the MoH my decision and then, in checking the bridal party group chat, I see the bride had removed me from the group an hour before.

No word to me, just removed me from the group, not even giving me a chance to accept her ultimatum. So now I guess I'm just going as a guest? I don't even know if I'm still invited.

I'm a little miffed that my friend of multiple years doesn't seem to even respect me enough to talk to me directly about all of this. And yes, if the bride does see this I'm likely hooped, but considering her phone is off, the throwaway is for others as well.