Bridesmaid refuses to buy dress until she hits weight loss goal, 'it will literally fall off.' AITA?

"AITA for refusing to buy a bridesmaid's dress until I get closer to my goal weight?"

My (28F) sister “Bri” 29F is getting married a year from now. Recently, she reached out to ask me to be a bridesmaid. I was surprised because Bri and I aren’t super close, but I was happy to be a part of her special day.

I used to be extremely overweight, and last year I decided to take control of my health and lost 75 pounds. I’m much happier and healthier than I was, but I’d still like to lose another 60.

This became complicated when Bri sent us a link to the dress she wanted us to buy. I’ve never been a bridesmaid, but apparently it is common for brides to ask their bridesmaids to buy their own dress. Still, the dress she requested costs $300, which seemed pricey to me.

Bri has asked us to order the dress within a couple of weeks, as it’s popular and she’s worried it will sell out. I called Bri and told her I am on a weightloss journey and am not buying clothes, until I get closer to my goal weight unless they’re from Goodwill or Walmart or something.

Bri seemed really upset by this–she asked if I could just purchase the size I am now and have it be loose at the wedding. I told her I plan on being almost 60 pounds lighter by the wedding, so the dress won’t be loose–it will literally fall off.

Bri asked then if I could slow down my weight loss until after the wedding so the dress would fit. I told her absolutely not. I feel amazing and I’m already losing at a slow and steady pace.

I presented Bri with three solutions: 1–I can wait to buy the dress until closer to the wedding, as I requested, 2–she can buy me the dress now with her money, or 3–I drop out of the bridal party, since she probably has people she’s closer with than me anyway.

Bri did not seem keen on any of these options–even removing me from the bridal party. She told me I was ruining her big day and that it’s about her, not me, so why does it matter if I wear a dress that’s a little loose?

I hung up after that to give Bri some time to cool off, but then I got a call from my mother telling me what a horrible sister I was and how selfish I was for not just ordering the bridesmaid’s dress. She reiterated how it’s Bri’s day, not mine, and when I have my own wedding I can do things exactly how I want.

To be truthful, I am finally starting to feel confident and to like how I look. Before I started losing weight, I wouldn’t have cared if I wore a too-loose dress because I was “fat and ugly” anyway.

Now, even though I only buy dirt-cheap clothes, I make sure to buy clothes that flatter me and accentuate my curves. I put a lot more effort into hair, makeup, and overall presentation.

So yes, even though it is not my wedding, this will probably be the first formal event I go to after having lost weight, and I know lots of pictures will be taken. I want to look my best for these photos because I know I will look back on them and remember how hard I worked to get there. Does this make me a selfish AH?

Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:

AshlynM2 said:

YTA. You have 2 super reasonable and simple options. Buy the dress in your current size and take it in for the wedding, so it fits perfectly to your body. Easy!! Buy the dress a couple sizes smaller so it’ll fit what size you assume you’ll be- just make sure you stay on target with your weight loss so you fit into the dress.

You’re making this situation overly complicated. This is seriously so simple/ it’s like you’re trying to be frustrated over it. As someone who works at a bridal shop, your sister is the sane one here. You’re being a huge pain.

As a quick sidenote, even if you waited and bought the dress in your current size once you’re down 60 lbs, you still need alterations. Actual formal gowns will always need a hem, maybe a pinch on the top, etc.

Not every size 6 has the same measurements, neither does every size 14. So you’re going to have a foot in the door for alterations anyway, so it really isn’t a big deal to have the dress pinched in where you need it. Taking a dress in 2 inches costs the same as taking address in 6 inches.

fashion_thrower said:

YTA here but softly. Weight loss is unpredictable ESPECIALLY as you get closer to your goal. I’d buy your current size or maybe one size down and then plan on tailoring close to the wedding.

And yes, it’s annoying and expensive. I’ve dealt with that choice between “buy something new” or “pay almost double to get something tailored down” and it’s not the easiest, I really feel you on this.

However it is an unavoidable part of the process because formal events, work occasions, etc continue on while you are making such big life changes. You’re still minimizing your spending more than a lot of people can by only getting inexpensive clothes for everyday.

Antelope_31 said:

YTA. Your feelings are understandable but the reality is the dress will sell out and it’s her choice. It’s her wedding. You buy it and pay to get it altered in enough time before the wedding, or buy a smaller size. The wedding isn’t about you.

WEM-2022 said:

YTA. You can get the dress the size you are now and have it altered to fit as the day approaches. Why did you not offer this as an option? Can't believe no one thought of this.

Look, if you don't want to be her bridesmaid - and it sounds like you don't! - then just tell her that you don't want to be her bridesmaid and give her a chance to refill the position.

howdidienduphere34 said:

You are NTA. $300 dollars for a dress that may or may not fit in a year, which then will likely need tailoring, which is not cheap. For someone you are not even close with. You gave her reasonable options, and she continues to be unreasonable. Anyone saying “just buy the dress and have it altered” should be willing to foot that bill.

If it were me I would say, “thank you so much for the kind offer, and while I would be honored to be one of your bridesmaids, I really need to put my health first and continue the journey I have started for myself.

I completely understand your concerns about the dress not being available at a later date. I do not want to cause you undo stress , and I cannot alter my current course. That being said I feel it’s best if I do not take this on.”

Aromatic_Recipe1749 said:

NTA. I can’t stand this over the top trend of “it’s the brides day” and no one else matters. I think that you should just tell your mother and sister that since this is causing them such distress that you are going to start step aside so everyone gets what they want. Take the $300 and buy yourself something fabulous!

Francl27 said:

NTA. Asking people to buy a dress ONE YEAR EARLY is not reasonable. Asking someone to spend $300 on a dress you will wear once is not reasonable. A lot of things can happen in one year, what if anyone gains weight and can't wear the dress anymore? Absolutely unreasonable.

It's ridiculous how so many people use their "special day" to dictate what others should wear, period. What happened to just having a happy day with people you care about? It's just so toxic.

leadbug44 said:

NTA and I think it would be quite healthy if as a society we pared back on the whole it the bride's day, it’s a wedding not a coronation and it the joining of two people, that should be the focus, not the vision cooked up in a fantasy

BabalonBimbo said:

YTA. Not trying to be negative, I say this as someone who’s lost 80 pounds and has about 30 left, but you don’t KNOW you will be 60 pounds down a year from now. Get the dress and have it altered closer to the wedding if needed.

A year from now that dress might not even be available. Or just drop out since you don’t seem interested anyway. Sometimes people on weight loss journeys become completely inflexible about food and body related things. I know I did. Think about if you’re doing this.