Bridesmaid refuses to cover 'outrageous' costs for future SIL's bridal shower, 'she Googled it.' AITA?
"AITA for refusing to cover outrageous costs for my future SIL’s bridal shower?"
I (23F) am going to be a bridesmaid in my fiancé’s older sister’s wedding, which is set for October 2025. While I’m excited to be part of her big day, I’ve been a bridesmaid before and know how expensive it can be.
The costs for this wedding are piling up quickly. I’ve already paid $300 for the bridesmaid dress, the required shoes, and $1,000 for the destination bachelorette trip. Initially, we were told there was no pressure to attend, but her mom later said it was “sh%ty” that some bridesmaids were considering skipping due to the cost, so I felt pressured to go.
After we booked the trip, the MOH informed us that we would also be covering all of the bride’s costs during the trip—food, drinks, and anything else. This was never discussed beforehand and added another unexpected expense on top of an already expensive trip.
My future MIL mentioned that, as a bridesmaid, I’m expected to help pay for the bridal shower. She said she Googled it and found that the bridesmaids are responsible for the costs, not her as the mother of the bride. In all the weddings I’ve been part of, the bridal shower costs were primarily covered by family or a family friend who volunteered to host it at their home.
The bridesmaids usually helped with smaller things like games and decorations. I don’t mind contributing to the bridal shower, but it needs to be within reason. With everything else I’ve already paid for, it’s becoming unmanageable—especially since I’m trying to save for my own wedding, which is planned for mid-2026.
My future SIL is expecting a fully catered bridal shower with elaborate décor, which feels unrealistic for a group of bridesmaids to fund. It also seems like she’s picking things that aren’t even within her budget and assuming others will cover the difference.
Am I the ahole for wanting to set boundaries around the bridal shower costs, especially when it feels like at every turn an unexpected expense comes up without any discussion? I know weddings are expensive (as I am currently planning one), but how much is too much to ask your bridesmaids to pay?
In previous weddings I was a bridesmaid in, I would spend about $1,200 total! In this case, that’s not even covering the bachelorette trip. I do want to make this whole thing special for her, but it’s just starting to get very costly and I know the other bridesmaids are feeling the pressure too. We are all young and just starting our careers.
EDIT:
I’ve already spoken to my fiancé about this and he agrees it’s out of line. He has my back on however I choose to approach this and was curious to see everyone’s responses and advice. We are a young couple and are open to advice on how to handle this.
He’s already offered to speak to his family, but based on prior situations, he doesn’t think it’ll go anywhere. The two of us have drawn our lines on these matters on previous issues, and in fact moved further away to really separate into our own family while in pursuit of our careers.
Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:
bellrae said:
NTA - this seems like she is taking advantage. Where is your fiance in all of this - why isn't he helping to manage the expectations of his sister and mother?
Justwondering18226 said:
NTA. Whoever hosts/plans the bridal shower pays. If the bride or mother in law want to plan it, they can pay for it. If they expect the bridesmaids to fund it, they have to accept what they plan/are willing to spend.
No_Philosopher_1870 said:
NTA, You can withdraw from the wedding, eating the costs to date. Just expect pushback from her over it. The guilt trips will be fast and furious. You probably can get at least some of the money back, like for the hotel and if you bought refundable transportation. Travel insurance could be your friend here.
wall2k4 said:
NTA. You aren’t required to pay a dime. The bride is a diva taking advantage of everyone. She should pay for her own trip. Cut your losses and bail as a bridesmaid. Maybe you can get a flight credit to go somewhere else on your terms.If your fiancé takes issue with your decision, have them pay. Their family is “requiring” it, so they should deal with it.
Trekunderthemoon said:
NTA. She’s being very entitled. She isn’t entitled to your time or money those things should be willingly given not guilted out of you. You should speak to your finance. Your mil and sil are his family and he should manage them.
If he won’t speak to them he should cover some of the costs because, again, it’s his sister. If he won’t support you in the face of his families insane expectations then that’s a whole other problem.
Vast-Temporary-771 said:
NTA. Your sil and mil are taking advantage of you. It’s insane to expect bridesmaids to pay for all that. I would present a united front with all the bridesmaids and set boundaries. If you don’t set boundaries now with your future in laws they will continue to act this way.