New mom steps down as bridesmaid weeks before the wedding over dress sleeves; AITA?

Being a bridesmaid usually means dropping a significant amount of cash on an elaborate bachelorette weekend, trying to ignore the foot pain while standing at the altar in heels, and wearing a dress you'd never buy....

What happens, though, is the dress is making you question your decision to say 'yes' to the 'will you be my bridesmaid' gift box? So, when a conflicted new mom decided to consult the moral compass of the internet otherwise known as Reddit's 'Am I the As*hole' about a bridesmaid dilemma, people were ready for the piping hot wedding tea.

WIBTA (Would I be the As*hole) if I stepped down from being a bridesmaid three weeks prior to the wedding?

One of my best friends, 'Ashley' is getting married in about a month. I am a new mother (I have a three-month-old baby) and am one of the six bridesmaids. Ashley had initially planned on wearing an off-the-shoulder wedding dress she had immediately loved from a boutique.

So our bridesmaid dress was a dress with long, flowy sleeves. They were supposed to arrive this week.

Now, Ashley has found her grandmother's gorgeous wedding dress. The thing is, it has long lace sleeves. So in order to complement it, she decided that the bridesmaids would wear a sleeveless (with a spaghetti strap) dress. Now, the thing is, my arms have become very flabby, and I feel uncomfortable wearing a dress that shows them off.

I immediately called Ashley to ask if she could change the bridesmaid dresses to something with sleeves or let me wear a similar one with some, but she has already bought them and paid money. They arrived yesterday.

I don't think I'll be comfortable in that dress, nor do I want to stand out by wearing something with different sleeves.

I'm thinking of stepping down as bridesmaid, but my sister thinks that that would be unfair to the bride as there are only three weeks left for the wedding, plus, it's important for the number of bridesmaids to be even (6). So, WIBTA if I stepped down?

Later, she edited the post to include this detail:

Edit: I had asked Ashley if I could cover up with a shawl or something as I feel insecure about my body, but she denied as she wants everyone to look uniform.

Here's what the jury of internet strangers had to say:

Gordy13210 said:

Mmmm... slippery slope...My opinion is this: Why are you doggin on yourself? Flabby arms? You just had a baby! Youre a mom, a lot things go flabby after that, and guess what? Its beautiful, because you're a MOM!! You get to raise an awesome little human.

I got insecurities too, I totally get it, I got some jiggly thighs, I never wear shorts or anything above the knee. However, if I had to, I would embrace it. I am who I am in that respect, and Im gonna love every inch of it, even if I think its jiggly....

You are who you are, and you're a mom now, all of that is beautiful. Wouldnt you want your child to love themselves as they are? You gotta project that self love, and your kids will emulate that.

As my Ma always said, Monkey see, monkey do, ya know? Haha. So... I say put on the dress, stand there with pride, and have an amazing time! You'll look fantastic!!!

laude_nam said:

I don't think you're and ahole but I think it may cause some hard feelings. I am sure you look lovely. Everyone is self conscious about something on their body.

My friend's daughter had the same problem and she and the bride agreed to let her wear a sheer shawl that matched the dress to accommodate her desire to cover her arms.

Only-Main8948 said:

I know this doesn't help much but this is a ESH situation. It's a bit late to pull out. I understand it may be scary feeling self conscious of your body in front of others, especially with those hormones raging. But it could be mind over matter, where your confidence comes from within.

You are much more than your arms and other people's opinions. However, the bride sucks for being so inflexible with the shawl or jacket idea. Your friendship might be a bit rocky anyway if she values looks so highly above your comfort.

[deleted] said:

you would not be an AH for this. It sounds like when you originally agreed, the dress was something that wasn’t going to exacerbate your insecurities about your body. She changed the dress on you.

I know what it’s like to put something on, see yourself in the mirror, and just want to bawl your eyes out. I’ve had major depressive episodes where I hated my body so much that I couldn’t get out of bed for a few days.

I’ve had 3 kids, and it’s taken a massive toll on my body. If I originally agreed to one clothing option, but had it switched on me, and it was something that made me feel awful about myself, I just wouldn’t be able to do it. I’ve put on t-shirts that before 3 kids would have looked great on me, but now make me feel like garbage.

I’m only about 50 lbs overweight, so I’m not morbidly obese, but I can’t call someone who also struggles with body image after having kids an asshole for not wanting to wear something that makes them feel bad.

I basically live in PINK sweats at home. I can’t even imagine having to put on a dress that I felt highlighted parts of my body that I hated and be part of pictures and a ceremony.

Not that I wouldn’t want to support my friend, but some insecurities are just so deep that you can’t really just “suck it up”, and I don’t possess the level of acting necessary to fake feeling otherwise for very long.

ashtrxy55 said:

YWNBTA. I don't know why some people on here care more about the brides feelings than yours. imo, she should make sure all her bridesmaids liked the dresses and felt comfortable wearing them.

she very easily can make that compromise of wearing a cute shawl or cardigan but she's been stubborn and said no. even AFTER OP had explained that she would feel insecure because she had a baby ONLY 3 months prior.

that's crazy. the bride is the AH here for not making sure her friend who is a new mum (and the other bridesmaids) feels comfortable and not be a bridezilla trying to control every tiny detail.

t_a_degen said:

Ehhh ... Yeah, probably would be the ahole. I mean... No one is going to notice, no one will even care what you look like. All eyes will be on the bride, the bridesmaids are just the background.

Put your vanity aside and suck it up - the wedding is not about you. After the wedding wear a shall, or scarf, or find a matching 3/4 jacket for the party.

Or - find out from the bride when a good time would be to change your outfit entirely. you may need to be in a bridesmaid dress for the cake, and a couple of dances - but at some point the pomp and circumstance is done and you can put on comfortable clothes.

So, there you have it...

While the opinions were fairly divided for this one, most people agreed that this woman wouldn't be wrong to step down. Part of being a bridesmaid is wearing whatever dress the bride picks with a smile, but considering the extenuating circumstances and the bride who is unwilling to compromise--she's off the hook. Good luck, everyone!