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Bridesmaid threatens to back out when bride creates 'mental obstacle course' for her to access bridesmaid dress. AITA? FINAL UPDATE

Bridesmaid threatens to back out when bride creates 'mental obstacle course' for her to access bridesmaid dress. AITA? FINAL UPDATE

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When this bridesmaid is on the verge of backing out of the wedding over her dress, she asks the internet:

"The bride created a mental obstacle course for me to get my bridesmaid dress. wtf?"

I’m currently in medical school and live across the country from my brother/family. I was surprised when his fiancé asked me to be a bridesmaid because I barely know her, but she wants to have all siblings in the wedding.

I made it clear that their wedding was during my final exam week, and while I was able to get an accommodation to take my last two exams early I still wouldn’t be able to help much with planning or be present at things like a bachelorette party/bridal shower.

She said this was fine, it would mostly just be to have an even number of bridesmaids to groomsmen and for pictures.

There’s a group chat that was created months ago that I would read through every couple of days to get updates on things I needed to do, namely to order a bridesmaid dress.

Links were sent with three styles to choose from and we would be updated on colors later. So a couple weeks go by and I ask what color to order, bride says she still thinking about it. Couple more weeks go by and she's still thinking… then a couple more weeks.

You get the idea. Now it’s at the point that if I don’t order this dress in a couple of days it won’t be here in time. So I ask on Saturday what color. No response in the group chat to me.

I asked again yesterday (Sunday) what color do I need to order? Then I’m flooded with messages lambasting me for not ordering a dress yet, from her sisters and my sister and her.

My sister called me, told me to “get my sh*t together” and “order a dress already” because my lack of preparedness is causing the bride intense anxiety because she doesn’t think my dress will be here on time for the wedding now. She texted me this morning, “don’t forget order your dress, love you” with smiling and kissing emojis.

Still, no one has told me what color! I’ve scoured the group chat for a mention of dress colors or an image of a dress but only the maid of honor sent a photo of her dress and I don’t know if she has a special color.

There’s thousands of messages so it’s not simple to find anything. Everyone else can meet in person so I assume the decision on color was relayed in person. I can’t tell if I’m being purposefully excluded?

About an hour ago my brother called me pleading with me to work things out with the bride because she’s panicking about me. I tried to explain this to him and he told me he doesn’t care, its a petty ladies issue, and since I’m not there for anything else this is the least I can do because the bride thinks I don’t like her because I wouldn’t come to anything.

He’s taking her side. They know I’m in medical school, I have literally no say in my schedule. And I’m on the other side of the country, 5.5 hours by plane.

I’m fed up with them and contemplating telling my instructors the wedding was moved and I will take my exams at the regular time. I’d have more time to study that way anyway. I haven’t told anyone in my family I’m considering this. WIBTA?

OP's first update:

I called my mother and asked her what color the bridesmaid dresses are, she said lavender. The only color option on the website that I would call lavender are named pearly lilac, periwinkle, and orchid purple.

I texted the maid of honor (bride’s sister) to ask what dress color and got a multi-paragraph long lecture about not having ordered my dress yet.

Basically, they are trying so hard to accommodate me being across the country by including me in the group chat. She said she didn’t remember the shade name but its a “dusty purple” then sent a blurry picture of a wrinkled order confirmation, the shade name was “mulberry.”

On the dress website that is a darker wine/purple color. I told her this and she said to order the lighter dusty purple color.

I sent her a screen shot with the list of shade names and asked, “which of these?” She said she didn’t know because everyone ordered their dress so long ago and asked for pictures of the dresses in different shades from the website. So I sent screenshots of all the light purple colors.

No response for a while so I called her on the phone, which she was upset about because its past 10pm over there now. Her response was “look, I don’t care what your problem is with me and my sister but if you want to stay in good standing with this family you need to get your ducks lined up girly.”

I ignored the lecture/comments and asked: “what color?” Her response? “Light purple” Me: “of the three I sent, which one is it?” Her: “I don’t remember, I’ll have to ask one of the other bridesmaids for her receipt, I’ll get back to you” I want to bash my head into a wall!

I called my second brother, the one not getting married. He said they’re pulling similar things with him and he feels like he was deliberately given the wrong dates for the bachelor party by the best man (bride’s brother) so that he would miss it.

He inadvertently learned about the changed date the morning of and when he asked the best man he told him it must have slipped his mind to tell him. Then joked that he wouldn’t have missed much since he probably won’t enjoy any of the “festivities” anyway.

They’ve been making homophobic jokes and comments to him that he’s been ignoring but he thinks they’re trying to get him to back out of the wedding. So if we both back out then there will be an even number of bridesmaids to groomsmen again. Only speculation on our parts of course.

Quick update: I was seriously considering pulling out, but the collective rage here and my fading motivation to study has me thinking… by this point, with how this post took off...

I wouldn’t be surprised if they find it at some point so I don’t want to reveal my cards just yet. Thank you to the comments that gave me the idea. I guess I’ll be making an update mid June if it all goes to plan.

Before we give you OP's final update, let's take a look at some of the top responses:

humquat writes:

Group Text: “I would LOVE to order my dress. I would have LOVED to order my dress a long time ago, in fact. I don’t like being pushed to the wire anymore than anyone else, and I can see why this delay would particularly stress out the bride.

BUT, I have repeatedly, REPEATEDLY asked for the color of the dress and have not been given an answer. As it has gotten closer, I have been chewed out by multiple people for not having a dress yet, but I still haven’t been given a color. I don’t know what you want me to do without suddenly developing telepathy.

I am waiting for the color because I don’t want to disrupt the bride’s vision for her wedding if I guess incorrectly, and frankly, I assume that I will also get chewed out if I guess and show up and in the wrong color.

I would really appreciate it if someone would use a single cell of common sense and tell me the color of the dress you want me to buy, so I can be there for this wedding like I have wanted from the beginning.

I’m trying my best here, and while I am sure there is frustration on the bride/groom’s part, it is almost unfathomably frustrating to be yelled at for not doing something while consistently being denied the information to accomplish that very thing.

Help me help you, or if it is too much, I don’t have to go. Let me know the color within the next 24 hours or I’ll step down so you can find someone else, although I do want to be part of your wedding. Let me know.”

NTA sweet CHRIST that was frustrating to just read, I can imagine you’re about to lose it right now.

EDIT: screw it, I read your other comments; if she doesn’t send you a straight-up screenshot of one of the dresses so you can color-match within the next few hours they can pound sand because this is batshit fuckin crazy.

The only reason I’m rooting for you going to this wedding is because lavender was part of my wedding color scheme and I think everyone looks fabulous in it and I’m also self-involved.

Edit 2: guys I rationally know not everyone looks good in lavender due to hair color/skin tone, etc. but like I said I’m self-involved have lavender-tinted glasses and just think everyone looks amazing in my wedding color; I’m not delusional just selfish, I promise!

Edit 3: Now I’ve read your edit OP. Go scorched earth with these people. Stop communicating. They’re being shady jerks on purpose for whatever reason and are treating you like garbage.

Screw that long ass group text I suggested. Just block them. Go on vacation the day of the wedding. Get one of those thread braids in your hair. Post so many pictures people start wondering if you’re okay.

But you are, because you’ll be sipping a pina colada on the beach instead of suffering through what amounts to a ceremonious soul-sucking from actual goddamn dementors.

These people could make a panda have a stress-induced heart attack. Also thank you all so much for the awards, but I would probably not give me the wholesome award anymore because my tone has now completely changed and I’m not feeling very wholesome on OP’s behalf.

I just told them to tell their family to eat their farts, so clearly this has got me worked up past a wholesome or helpful place.

oiu7 writes:

NTA. I am a bit of an ass home so I would absolutely have sent a short text to any and all who decided it appropriate to s*** all over me for not knowing the dress color

"since no one has seen fit to actually tell me the color of the dress despite me asking repeatedly with no response over the past several months I will no longer be participating in the wedding. Good luck to you all I hope it's a lovely day I will be taking my exams as scheduled previously. "

I would then block and shut off any notifications from any of these people until after exams. They literally have no consideration for where you are or what you're doing. Although you have attempted to participate at the level you made them aware of from the very beginning they've essentially shut you down. I wouldn't feel bad about not going one bit.

jcwa4353 writes:

NTA. You are under enough stress as it is, to be dealing with this teenage highschool BS drama that the bride is doing. it is a trap. I am a man, a stranger on the internet and can see it is a trap.

Think about it, she wants you and all of the family to be involved. But does not tell you the colors of the weddings, does not tell you what color of dress. You have asked and told nothing, silence.

Yet here is the trap in itself. If you get the wrong color of dress, chances are she will blame you for that and standing out, and any and all things going wrong on that day, will all be your fault.

So what to do. First is stop dealing with these people. The bride, she be a bridezilla who hates you already so there is that. You have way too much stress in your life from your studies to be dealing with her antics to try to derail you. So you have several choices.

Don't go. Do not even bother to respond. Tell your instructors you changed your mind and that these tests are way too important for you to miss and you will be there. Just do not respond at all.

Take a chance, choose something, and then go from there. I would say black slinky and not from what they picked out. If you are going to pay for it, choose and wear what you want, not what the bride chooses,

Now I am petty and I can tell you, after reading that, me, my sister, my brother, my father, his father, his brother, the cousins and all of that, lets just say the door once open, we do not go through, we exploit and make it where we play the long game and really have a good time with it.

The bride wants to play this game, no one can answer your questions, putting pressure on you to show up, even asking you if you hate the bride, oh baby, gold mine to help break your stress up, have a laugh and some fun. (Think Venga Bus, play that, and lets have some fun.)

When the ask if you hate the bride, since she is doing this say Yes I hate the bride. Never tell them why, just say yes I do. And wait till a month before the wedding and then tell them you are thinking about not showing up. You know all of the finals and all.

If they bug you about the dress, tell them you ordered one, nice all snow white dress, looks lovely. Bad, well you can send them pictures. Any and all bridal gowns, white ballgowns, historical costumes, outlandish, any and all things, and then say,

"Oh my bad, I did not order a dress, sorry been really busy, and no one told me what color to order." Or here again, with the bride, wait and then drop that did not order bombshell. (Why should you stress about the wedding.)

Op the choice is yours, but if it were me, I would just say yeah to what ever, and then plan on not showing up and focusing on something far more important your schooling and passing, to be a far better doctor, than anyone in that wedding party have been.

And after you pass your finals, crack open a beer for me, enjoy it and then make plans for passing and relaxing. Sides what all are they going to do if you do not show up?

(And get a bottle of champaign for either when you do graduate and become a doctor or the divorce that will happen, cause bridezillas never have long marriages, and the gall sounds like she is a bridezilla.)

lonleysituionati8 writes:

Honestly, very petty, but I would have fun with it and have a full breakdown in the group chat. “If you all did not love me and did not want me to come to this wedding just say so instead of making me an emotional mess while I am dealing with finals. I would rather hear you hate and despise me and don’t want me there than to run around trying desperately to be included.

I thought you all loved me like family should but I now see this isn’t the case. I will be at the wedding so as to not cause drama if that is what you want but please just give me the color of the dress so we can get on with our lives instead of acting like children who bully their weird sibling.

I’m sorry to be such a disappointment to you all, I don’t know what I did to deserve this treatment but it must have been truly awful if you’re going to make it clear that I am no longer a part of this family and never will be. Congratulations to the bride and groom.”

bloomin writes:

NTA and it isn't over a bridesmaid dress. It is over lack of communication. I think you call them straight out in the group chat and just peace out of the whole situation. Send a message to the group chat.

"I have repeatedly asked for the color and it is SHOCKING that no one knows what the name of the color of "lavender" this dress is supposed to be. I have endured lectures and threats that I won't be in good standing.

I suspect that this is purposeful because you guys might want one less groomsman at your wedding as there seems to be some homophobia afoot. I have no proof that is the case but you should all be aware it is a theory. Otherwise why would similar f_y be happening to my brother.

Now in order to destress the bride I think it makes sense for me to bow out of the wedding. I will not reward the disrespect that I've had to endure because this group chat refused to tell me what should have taken no time to communicate by jumping through any more hoops. I hope you enjoy your special day."

spakrle7 writes:

I think Mom is the actual power broker here. (Not that she knows that she holds this position, but Bride wants Mom to replace her own mother, and bride is trying to push OP out).

Therefore, get OPs mother to choose the dress color. If the color is wrong, the bride can't get aggressive with her MIL who channels the bride’s mother from heaven.. and the wrong color becomes MILs humorous mistake, not OPs passive aggression.

In the meantime, do absolutely cry to your mother about your family being torn apart. Tell her about what the bride's brother did to your brother. Cry, a lot. Just sad little tears. Not angry, sad.

You need to be careful here bride is trying to wedge your mother, sister and brother against you. She has a head start and the first born on her side. But you have the primal bond and a couple of decades. Being sad is your best weapon here, to bring your mother sympathy back to you, not anger.

You might also work in fear about your grades.. but not too much of that. Your mother cares about her family first, then about your grades. So you have to keep focused on the damage to your nuclear family that this girl is bringing.

So, stick with sorrow about your brother. Think about this, you can make a plan.This is not about the wedding per se, this is about her changing the fundamental dynamics of your family and pushing you and your brother out. The wedding is just her fulcrum.

Unless your mother tells you to skip the wedding, then go to the wedding. Wear what Mom tells you to wear. Get your mother back on your side and your brothers side. You absolutely do care about the dynamics of your nuclear family, and this bride is trying to steal something that is very valuable from you and your brother.

prinepreincess writes:

NTA. Honestly, I wouldn't go and I wouldn't trust them to give you the right color anyway. If you do decide to go, just pick any of the purples and go with it. The same thing happened to me except not on purpose.

My bridesmaid dress for my brother's wedding was different than the others but it wasn't that noticeable because she gave me the wrong number. And other girl dropped out the day of the wedding so it didn't matter any way. Your future SIL doesn't seem to like you.

Otherwise she or her friends would have told you what color dress to buy. And your brother not asking her about the color is suspicious. It is almost like they want to play a game with you and by not going, you are screwing up their plans.

Tell them that your instructors have decided that you have to take the test at the regular time with your class and be done with it. And with the way she is acting, she doesn't like you.

And now, OPs final update:

Thanks to some responses, I called the bridal salon and asked what colors were ordered. Four dresses in the color “flint” one in “mulberry.” The MOH was setting me up to believe “mulberry” was the color of ALL the dresses. So, I ordered one in mulberry and one in flint. I only let the MOH know I purchased a "mulberry" dress.

I caught a red eye to be there for the rehearsal. They had a room to get ready in the morning and wanted all the dresses stored there. I show up with the mulberry dress. The bride begins crying because it’s “too late to fix it!” She asks if I would be upset if asked to drop out because mulberry is for the MOH.

I pretended like I had made such a big mistake! I said, “I know a girl that works at the salon. Let me call her and see if there’s anyway to make it right, and if not I’ll step down because I want you to have the perfect day.”

I show back up the next morning to start getting ready with the correct dress in tow. “My friend looked in the back for me and they JUST had this returned yesterday, what are the odds! Exact style, color and my size, it’s a sign!”

Silence. Then an awkward, “that’s amazing.” Now I’ll be honest, I thought the revenge would be that they had to have me and younger brother in the wedding and photos. I couldn’t have planned the next part.

They had to explain to the makeup artist there was an additional bridesmaid meaning they planned from the beginning that I wouldn't be in this wedding.

The ceremony went fine. We took photos after. Then, there were no place settings for me and little bro with the wedding party at the reception since banked on one less bridesmaid and one less groomsman being present.

The table was almost not long enough, two chairs had to be thrown on the ends. We didn’t get food Initially because we were actually in the seating plan at other tables so our plates were brought to those place settings.

I can tell my brother (groom) seems ticked off at the staff for seemingly not having things set up properly but the bride and best man diverted his attention.

Before he (groom) left he found me and said he asked the MOH why the setting were wrong and he was told I asked to be dropped from the wedding party weeks ago then showed up and demanded to be in the wedding.

I said I didn't ask to be dropped and showed him my phone where she gave me a thumbs up on the dress. He noticed the screenshot was not the dress I was currently wearing so I said I had to last minute switch it out after confusion on the color. He seemed satisfied with that.

They left on their honeymoon, and my brother returned several days early… alone. So, you can guess how that went.

What do YOU make of OP's story? Any advice for her?

Sources: Reddit
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