'AITA for wearing a white dress to a wedding after the bride requested it?' UPDATED
"AITA for wearing a white dress to a wedding after being specifically requested to by the bride?"
Omg my head is such a jumble right now. Let me try to make sense of all of this. When I [26,F] was five we moved, and our next door neighbors had a girl my age named Bella [27,F]. We immediately connected and grew up thick as thieves. Our families were also close.
I moved a couple of hours away for college while Bella stayed home. She would come visit me frequently, stay with me, and we had great times. I met Barrett [26,M now] in an econ class sophomore year and realized we had a lot of friends in common.
He was a smart, attractive guy so we ended up hooking up a few times after study sessions. It was fun, but there wasn't really long-term chemistry so we remained friends. We never even talked about dating. We weren't close after that, but we were on group text threads together and saw each other frequently at parties.
I introduced Bella to Barrett at a party senior year and it was love at first sight for her. She interrogated me about him and I informed her of our history. She seemed pretty upset about the fact that we had hooked up, but I assured her that there was absolutely nothing romantic there and that she had my blessing to pursue him. She did, and after a few months, they started officially dating. She was over the moon. I was happy she was happy.
I graduated and accepted a job six hours away from home. Shortly afterwards, Bella and Barrett ended up moving in together in my hometown. I visited them frequently at first, but life got busy so we ended up seeing each other annually at holidays.
Last Christmas, my family hosted a Christmas Eve party with our two families at which Barrett proposed to Bella. It was a heartfelt proposal and everybody was thrilled for them. Bella wanted to talk about nothing but wedding planning that holiday and we had tons of fun brainstorming ideas together. There were no signs of what was to come.
Over the next few months, I expected to be formally asked to be Bella's Maid of Honor (she had mentioned this over the holidays), but the ask never came. She started screening my calls. Finally, I received a "Save the Date'" in the mail and still hadn't heard from her about whether I was in the wedding so I got her on the phone and asked her.
She told me that she had thought it through and didn't think that I should be in the wedding at all because I lived so far away. She thought it would make coordinating bridal events too difficult. She was making her cousin (who she doesn't even like) her maid of honor.
I was pretty hurt by this. I was her closest and oldest friend. I introduced her to her fiance and was friends with him too. I told her that I could get the time off work, would buy plane tickets, whatever was required of me, to participate. That I didn't think that it was going to be as challenging as she thought. She shrugged this off.
Instead she directed the conversation to whether I was going to be bringing someone to the wedding. I was a little confused by this question because I just had a bad break-up and she knew all about what went down. I told her that since I wasn't seeing anybody currently, I'd probably be attending solo.
She told me that she would keep my +1 open until the last possible minute and encouraged me to try to find a date so I wouldn't be lonely. I thought this was a nice gesture, but reassured her that with my family present and tons of mutual friends from college and our hometown that I would be fine.
The next few months passed without much incident. I didn't hear a ton from Bella. I probably could have reached out more, but I was still stinging a bit from not being asked to be in her wedding party.
I also saw on social media that she had an engagement party that she had not told me about or invited me to. That also hurt but I didn't say anything. I figured we were just growing apart. It happens.
Then six weeks prior to the wedding, I got a call from Bella. She told me that one of her bridesmaids had dropped out and that she was hoping that I could fill in. I wouldn't be going to any of the events as those were already booked, but I would be in the wedding party. I was thrilled and relieved and accepted immediately.
She told me that she was doing a reverse color pallette for the bridal party where all of the bridesmaids and groomsmen were wearing white, and she and the groom were wearing black. This didn't seem that strange - Bella has always liked to stand out and has unconventional taste.
She apologized for the late notice and asked if I could find a white dress in time. I had a white slip dress already that would work and sent her a picture of it on the call to see if it would work. She verbally approved it and tagged it with a thumbs up on the text chain. (this will be important later).
The wedding was at noon, so we were supposed to meet to do hair and makeup at the venue at 8am. I left my parent's home early and arrived in sweats with my dress in a bag and greeted Bella and the other girls. We had fun drinking champagne and getting ready.
About two hours prior to the ceremony, Bella told everybody to get our dresses on so we could do some pictures. I grabbed my bag and went into the bathroom to change and tweak my makeup. When I re-entered the room, every last bridesmaid was in a blue dress. I was the only one in white.
My stomach dropped. My mind raced back to the conversation I had with Bella. She had said "white" right? I hadn't misheard? No, I was certain. She had called out the reverse color scheme. I had googled it. No, this was a set-up.
Bella was in the middle of the room in a bathrobe with a resigned look on her face. She said to her cousin, "I told you she was going to do something like this." Her cousin approached me and asked what I was wearing. I mumbled that Bella had told me to wear white.
Bella didn't even blink. She stared back and huffed out a laugh and said something about how of course I would have to make today all about me. The cousin started screaming at me, going off on me about how I was jealous, in love with Barrett, and how completely unhinged I was.
Honestly, I froze in that moment. I was so spun around by how fast everything went from great to sh^t, I couldn't even find the words to defend myself. Eventually I stammered out that I had another dress at my parent's house and could go home and change. Bella said something like "I think we both know that this is the end of our friendship. I've given you too many chances. It's time for you to go."
I started to cry. I didn't really know what was happening or what she was talking about, but I knew that whatever was going down was really bad. Finally my legs started to work again and I fled. I left all of my things at the venue and just ran to my car and went home, sobbing in the white dress.
About a half hour later, my phone blew up. Texts from nearly everyone in my life, telling me that I was bitter, that I needed to grow up and get over my jealousy, asking how I could do that to Bella.
Even my mother sent me a text telling me how disappointed she was in me and that we'd talk when they got home. I did what any rational person would do in the situation. I broke into my parent's liquor cabinet and got drunk.
As a result, the conversation when my parents finally arrived home was somewhat confused. My dad wouldn't even look at me and my mom and I kept talking past each other.
She outright didn't believe that I had been told to wear white and I didn't understand why. Then finally she said something like "Because of everything else that happened," and I was like "What are you talking about? What does that mean?" And she said "You know, your ultimatums to Bella."
The next few hours revealed the truth: over the last several months, Bella has been building a fiction with nearly everyone in my life that I am mentally unstable and madly in love with Barrett. She has concocted a web of outlandish tales and systematically poisoned my family and friends against me.
My boyfriend apparently dumped me because of my feelings for Barrett (Lie. He cheated and I dumped him). I told Bella that she needs to choose between me and Barrett (never happened).
I told Bella that I couldn't be in the wedding party because I couldn't support her marriage given that Barrett was meant for me (lie). I had a major meltdown before the engagement party and that's why I wasn't there...on and on, lies on top of lies.
In all of these stories, Bella has painted herself as the patient, long-suffering friend trying to deal with a friend clearly going through a tough time. She expressed understanding for my unrequited love for Barrett and empathized with how hard it must be for me to see her marry the love of my life. And has made great efforts to try to sustain our friendship despite how "complicated" the situation is.
The lie has been going on so long, my mom literally did not believe me. Finally I grabbed my phone and handed it to her and told her to go through my text messages with Bella.
Asked her to show me any evidence of any of that happening. It was when she was scrolling through reading our messages that she saw the picture of the white dress I had sent Bella with her thumbs up on it. I had completely forgotten about it.
The absence of any ultimatums or Barrett drama in our texts and the picture of the approved dress flipped my mom. She finally believed me. She was horrified that she had bought into a false narrative.
She called my dad into the room and explained what was what. My dad isn't the type of person you want to piss off. We had to spend significant energy trying to calm him down so he didn't walk next door and rip the house from the foundation.
My mom still says that I'm a bit of an ahole because I should never have assumed that I could wear white to someone's wedding. I should have confirmed with the other bridesmaids about what they were wearing, and that was part of my job as a member of the bridal party.
Fine, I own that. But it doesn't change the fact that I never meant to hurt Bella, and she has been setting me up for this epic fall for MONTHS.
The next day, hungover on multiple levels, I sent screencaps of my call history with Bella and the photo of the approved dress text to multiple people. Unfortunately this is where my occupation works against me.
I am a graphic designer, and people believe that I photoshopped the image. Trust me, if I was going to photoshop some proof it would have been a hell of a lot more compelling than somebody liking an image.
So pretty much nobody believes me except my mom, dad and ONE of the other bridesmaids (one of Bella's friends from college I don't know well). She was there during the dress incident and she found me on social media and DM'd me that she could tell from the stunned look on my face that I was telling the truth.
She said that Bella was pretty sick at the beginning of the year, and ever since then had changed as a person, becoming cruel and self-absorbed. She said the wedding events had been horrific and Bella was a monster and she was planning on going no contact now that it was done.
So that's three people out of hundreds that don't think I'm an ahole. Everybody else does. My reputation destroyed. My life in tatters. I don't think I'm the AH, but I submit myself to judgment.
Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:
italian_pasta_salad said:
NTA. I mean what the f is she thinking??? I mean... WTF?! Can't believe what I just read.
Inevitable-Pick-7866 said:
NTA...I feel sorry for Barrett. Give that two years! She planned this whole thing. Just hold your head high and let go of those that don't believe you. And know, one day, the truth will come out. She will be so thrilled at how well her ruse worked that she will slip up and tell someone. People like her always do that...
londomollaribab5 said:
OP I don’t agree with your Mother. Who could possibly think that they should check with the other bridesmaids on what they were wearing? Why in the world would you think that would be necessary? NTA.
bubbles1684 said:
Confused as to how if your parents were at the engagement party you didn’t mention to them you were never invited.
Delicious-Baker-8335 said:
NTA . First off I'm so sorry you're dealing with this like wtf? I would ask your mom to take a video of you scrolling through your phone.
Make sure your moms in the video and show her going over to you, you grabbing your phone, opening your texts with Bella ( show the number) and scroll on video through your messages with Bella and show the conversation of her approving the dress and send that to Barrett or better yet , do it live on Facebook and tag everyone in it.
People need to know the lengths she would go to lie. That's absolutely horrible and doesn't make sense at all she must be on drugs or something to be THAT delusional. BTW your mother's wrong , if the bride told you it was OK to wear white because of the color pallet that's not on you to go around asking if it's true. Nothing here is your fault
OP responded to the question above here:
My parents were not at the engagement party. My understanding was that it was more of a friends engagement party than a familial one. But they did know that it happened, and I do think they expected me to come home for it.
There was a lot of miscommunication between my mom and I. My parents are pretty low EQ and uncomfortable with emotions and drama, so they didn't pry too deeply. My mom would ask me questions like "So Bella told me a little bit about what is going on...are you ok?" And I would assume she was talking about my cheating ex where my mom was actually talking about my "unrequited love" for Barrett.
And I would respond with something like "I'm struggling a little but I'm getting through it. I'll be ok, thanks mom." And like that we kept talking past each other. Looking back there were a few things my mom said that confused me, but I didn't seek clarity at the time.
UPDATE:
I've gone back and forth about updating. Before I get started, I want to address a question a lot of commenters had about my parents. A lot of people were questioning why my mom would hear all of that stuff about me and not check in on me or confront me. It's because I'm an apostate.
Last year I left the religion my parents raised me in (which Bella is still involved in so she has superior credibility). My politics differ also. From where mom and dad sat, I was a sinner capable of any act of evil because I turned my back on Biblical principles. Assume that the broader religious community in this town believes the same of me.
Despite this, I tried to have a relationship with my parents. I am an only child. They are my only family. But there was strain and distance there. For example, I did not tell my parents a lot about my breakup because the circumstances of that would reinforce some of my parents' worst beliefs about me. It's also the reason I haven't been home in the last year.
It's also one of the reasons I assumed things were strained between Bella and I in the last year. I didn't bring it up because as EVERYBODY wanted to point out, my post was already too damn long (And this one will be too. Sorry.).
I would have guessed that the events of the wedding would strain my relationship with my parents further but unexpectedly it has brought us closer.
I think many of my parents' strong opinions of me were more about how they felt my leaving the church would ultimately reflect on them in the community. But now that the community has rallied against me and the worst has happened, they've circled the herd.
They've waged holy war in their church on my behalf in the last couple of months. It's weirdly cemented that my parents actually do care about me, despite our differences as people. So in that regard, this awful event has been a blessing.
A lot of the awkwardness between us from the last year has faded and it really feels like they've chosen a side and that side is me. We had a great holiday together. So in that way, I'm glad this happened.
On to the update. In the immediate aftermath of the wedding and post, I did as people suggested and sent out a screen recording of my text messages with Bella (all of them going back months, to counter her narrative that I was unstable) and explaining my side of the story. There were three camps that emerged as a result.
First were my high school friends. Most of them are religious and had been extensively brainwashed by Bella. None took my side, except for the one bridesmaid who had already contacted me.
Next were the college friends closer to me. None of them had heard Bella's whisper campaign and accepted the evidence immediately. Several of them told me that they had never really liked Bella and that she had sh$t talked me behind my back. This was news to me, but also a relief because these are the relationships I most don't want to lose. And it looks like I won't.
The college friends who were closer to Barrett just didn't really care. A lot of these guys are classic dudebros that are drama-adverse, so I'm not shocked they aren't relishing the chance to wade through and litigate the evidence. No hostility coming from these people anymore, but no support either. I can live with that.
Bella's nuclear and extended family I have given up on. When I was back for Christmas I tried to go over to speak to Bella's parents (who were like parents to me also), and they refused to even open the door. I left a letter in their mailbox. It went unacknowledged.
In general, things settled down into a new normal and I just focused on my life and my work and trying to move forward. I went home for the holidays and just hung out with my parents. Life was ok.
THEN. January 1st, I signed into an older email account that I haven't used in a while to reset a password. In the spirit of new year digital housekeeping, I started going through old messages, intending to close this account for good, when I saw an e-mail from my ex with the subject line "I WIN".
I cannot describe the gut punch that I felt when I saw that mail. I freeze up now just writing about it. My ex -- let's call him Matthew -- was the perfect boyfriend. Until he wasn't. He became extremely controlling after our first year of dating.
He wanted to control what I wore, what I ate, who I talked to, who I connected with and what I posted on social media, etc. He was very cunning and nuanced with the way he tore me down slowly over time. But then he slipped up, I found out he was cheating, and I woke up enough to get out of there.
The break-up was a living nightmare. He refused to "allow" me to break up with him. We were living together. He installed tracking software on my phone and bugged my car. He had people at my job reporting to him on my movements.
I couldn't get away from him. I couldn't hide. He kept showing up. He held my dog hostage. The police were useless because he was never physically violent and was careful not to write his threats down. I was in absolute hell for months, living under the terror that he would show up again.
I had changed my job, my number, my address, my email account, my social media profiles were private -- this was the one place I forgot to block him. The "I WIN" email was sent the day after the wedding. He said that he had become close with Bella after we broke up.
He called himself the "architect of my demise". He said he had fed Bella's paranoia about me and Barrett and that together they had planned my 'punishment'. He said losing everyone important in my life was what I deserved. And then he said WE SHOULD GET BACK TOGETHER. Unless I wanted more 'unfortunate' things like this to keep happening. (Yes, he a delusional prick.)
It took me a while to collect myself and get my shit together after reading that. I fell apart for a few days. My mom helped pull me back together and now knows the details about what happened with Matthew. She connected me with a family friend, an attorney, that is currently helping me file for a restraining order against Matthew. I tried during the stalking period, but couldn't afford an attorney and was denied.
I think with the email evidence and the attorney saying things the right way, it will be granted this time but the hearing is not for another couple of weeks. It is on zoom and Matthew will get a chance to be there. I am terrified to see him, even just on a screen.
Once I had dealt with my own safety, I had the realization that I was in possession of absolute proof that the wedding incident was a setup. I considered blasting it out everywhere, but I still have so much shame about being in an abusive relationship and cannot bring myself to do it. So I decided to just forward it to Barrett with a small amount of explanation.
Barrett did not respond to the email. I do not know what happened in Bella and Barrett's household after that, but what I do know is that two nights later, Bella drunk drove her car to my parent's house. While attempting to park in their driveway, she ran over their mailbox.
When my parents answered the door, she started screaming about how I'm a homewrecker. In her drunken ramblings, my parents were able to figure out that Barrett had left her. Her parents were called over from next door to collect their drunk daughter. My dad said they seemed extremely embarrassed.
I know a lot of people here will probably be fist pumping the air that Bella met with some karma. I'm not one of them. Matthew is a monster, and I know firsthand how charming and convincing he is. Bella, much like I did, fell for his act. Her happiness has been destroyed by Matthew too. And I have a really hard time blaming her now that I know that he was pulling the strings.
But she also made her choices. I'm not dumb enough to reconcile with her either. My #1 priority is my safety and anybody who has ties to Matthew is somebody I need to stay far away from. Bella will have to find her own path back to good.
There is a role that opened on my team in another country. It's a manager position, which would be a promotion for me and my boss thinks I should apply. While it would be harder having even more distance from my folks, I think being in an entirely new country might help cultivate a feeling of safety for me.
One that I'm not sure I can get in this city now. So that might be what's next for me. I don't really know how to end this properly. I'm just tired. Thanks for the support. I probably won't sign into this account again.
Here's what top commenters had to say about the update:
captain_borgue said:
Sounds to me like Bella was a piece of sh$t from the start, and Barrett finally got to see the mask slip. OOP needs to stop letting herself feel shame about being abused. There's nothing to be ashamed of- she didn't do anything wrong. Therapy. All the therapy.
addangel said:
We can all agree that Matthew is unhinged, but I cannot get over the amount of jealousy, insecurity and pettiness a woman can have about one of her friends briefly dating her husband before she even met him. like wtf.
depressed_popoto said:
I think Bella was vindictive from the start. It only took Mathew to light that match.
theficklemermaid said:
This is insane. “Architect of my demise?” If it’s accurate, she needs to cut everyone involved out. I can’t believe she is sympathetic towards her former friend, although her ex was manipulative her friend still willingly took part in it.
quemabocha said:
OP needs to have this made into a movie. I would watch the hell out of it. The shunning, the cheating, the abuse, the strained friendship, the climax at the wedding and the downfall, the new found family love, the clearing of the name, the return of the ex, the karma and the beautiful ending, getting a promotion to work (in Italy, for cinematic purposes).