'WIBTA if I tell my friend her 'bridesmaids' won’t be throwing her an extensive bachelorette party?'
"WIBTA if I tell my friend her 'bridesmaids' won’t be throwing her an extensive bachelorette party?"
So I (27F) am friends with Jane (28F). Jane and her fiancée Brad (29M) recently got engaged. Jane is one of my best friends and we have known each other since college. When talking about our future weddings, Jane has always expressed that she wants me and a handful of our other closest friends to be her bridesmaids and to have a destination wedding.
When I saw Jane and Brad the day they got engaged, one of the first things Jane said to me was how excited she was for me and our other friend to be her bridesmaids, this was about a month ago.
However, now that Jane and Brad have started looking at wedding planning, they have decided to have a tiny destination wedding in Colorado and only immediate family will be invited to save money. They also plan on having a casual party for all of the rest of their family and friends after, but there will be no ceremony or sit down dinner and will be very clearly NOT a second wedding.
Even though I was disappointed and hurt to hear that I would not be invited to the actual wedding, I understand that it is their right to have whatever kind of wedding they want, and if it is not important to her that her best friends be there, that’s her choice.
But what irked me is that Jane still expects a bridal shower, a long weekend trip to an expensive destination for her bachelorette party, and mentioned a registry for wedding gifts.
I find it a bit ridiculous that she still expects to have these things thrown by and (presumably) paid for by people that ARENT EVEN INVITED TO THE ACTUAL WEDDING! She still insists on calling us her “bridesmaids”, but since we will not be present at the wedding and will have no special designation at the party, I don’t see how we actually are.
Our friends are a bit split on what to do about this, some want to confront her about this, some think that would be an asshole move. So, WIBTA for telling Jane that if she’s not having a traditional wedding she can’t expect traditional wedding benefits?
ETA: I think a few people are misunderstanding my point here, I’m not saying I don’t want to celebrate her AT ALL or that she shouldn’t get anything outside of her wedding, what’s bothering me is her stated expectation of a big shower and bachelorette trip (she explicitly said she wants to go to Scottsdale, we are in Tennessee so this requires a flight) without an invitation to the wedding.
She could throw any kind of backyard, courthouse, big, small, whatever WEDDING and I would be happy to do all of the above AS LONG AS I was actually invited.
Here's what people had to say to OP:
NTA. You aren't bridesmaids, you are friends of the bride. That being said, however, if she specifically mentions the reason for the small ceremony is to save money, then it seems to me that she DOES want the big wedding you all talked about, but they can't afford it.
She is probably really disappointed she can't have the wedding of her dreams, and now she's even more disappointed she won't have her dream bachelorette party, either. Why can't you throw her a bridal party just because you love her and want her to have a bridal party?
buckeyebottlerocket OP responded:
Totally understand your point, they did say the reason is to save money, however she and her fiancée both have great jobs, he drives an expensive car, they have a designer dog, they recently bought a home for about 400k, and she is constantly buying expensive clothes.
Also, Brad’s family is rich and she told me his parents offered to pay for at least part of the wedding. So they are choosing this style of wedding because that’s what they want to do, not that they can’t afford to have a slightly larger wedding.
There is also a lot of background but the short version is that a few years ago, Brad had a medical emergency when Jane and I lived together and I (and her other friends) went above and beyond for them during this time (which I was more than happy to do because I love them both), but I think that is contributing to this feeling a bit more like a slap in the face than if it was any other friend/couple.
I do still want to celebrate her and their upcoming marriage, my feelings are stemming from the expectation of an extensive bachelorette trip without an inclusion in the actual wedding.
Yeah I would talk to her and say that you are also trying to save money, so you hope she understands when you tell her you can't do an elaborate trip. Tell her you can plan a nice night out locally, and get her a reasonable gift, but nothing else.
Or you can organize a get away for her and the bridesmaids but she has to pay her own share for lodging and transportation, and you will just pay for the dinner and maybe a night on the town when your there.
NTA. "Bridesmaids" who aren’t invited to the wedding aren't bridesmaids.
Not even guests. Apparently they are just ATM's.
They should plan a destination weekend party for the bride. Then not invite her. It's the brides favorite type of event after all.